


He's the Tear in My Heart

by Blurrycake



Series: He's the Tear in My Heart [1]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anti-Depressants, Depression, Drinking, Drunk Driving, F/M, Happy Ending, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, IT'S FINALLY DONE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Medical Trauma, Minor Character Death, Self-Harm, Smut, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-16 04:48:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 46,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5814868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blurrycake/pseuds/Blurrycake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Well, Josh was also asleep in the backseat."</p><p>It came out like a joke, like all of the comments that he made about he and Josh's relationship. Everyone assumed Tear in My Heart was about Jenna, but it wasn't. No one, not even Jenna or Josh, knew that he wrote that song about his best friend and band mate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. This is Not What I Had Planned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well, Josh was also asleep in the backseat."
> 
> It came out like a joke, like all of the comments that he made about he and Josh's relationship. Everyone assumed Tear in My Heart was about Jenna, but it wasn't. No one, not even Jenna or Josh, knew that he wrote that song about his best friend and band mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first fic, but it's an idea that has been in my head for a while now. I hope it's not too bad. Also, I LOVE JENNA IRL. She's very sweet and awesome. This fic in no way depicts how I feel about her. Also trigger warning. Self harm.
> 
> Stay alive, friends |-/

There was a weird and catchy line in Tear in My Heart that Tyler always got asked about. It just seemed so random.

"You fell asleep in my car I drove the whole time  
But that's okay I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine  
I'm driving here I sit cursing my government  
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement."

In an interview, he was asked what that line was about. He explained that it happened when he was driving, Jenna was sitting next to him, and she fell asleep. Ohio is famous for potholes. It should be part of the dang state motto for crying out loud. Potholes everywhere. So of course he had to try to avoid the potholes so he wouldn't jar anyone awake. 

"Awwww!" everyone cried out.

"Well, Josh was also asleep in the backseat."

It came out like a joke, like all of the comments that he made about he and Josh's relationship. Everyone assumed Tear in My Heart was about Jenna, but it wasn't. No one, not even Jenna or Josh, knew that he wrote that song about his best friend and band mate. 

Everyone laughed, and Tyler smiled. On the inside, he was dying. Josh really was the tear in his heart. Loving Josh hurt. It burned like fire, threatened to consume him every second.

It wasn't the only song written with Josh in mind. 

"I don't care what's in your hair  
I just wanna know what's on your mind  
I used to say I wanna die before I'm old  
But because of you I might think twice."

He wasn't really sure when he fell for Josh. He had always felt closer to him than to any other living soul. Of course he DID love Jenna. He hadn't married her just for show. She was breathtakingly beautiful, gentle and kind. But nothing would compare to the love he felt for Josh. It all felt so wrong and Tyler hated himself for it. 

And now, the Blurryface tour is finally over. He and Josh get to spend the holidays with their families, and finally get their first real break after years of touring. Tyler and Jenna have a new house in Columbus, Josh is staying with his parents in his old room. Most days Josh comes over to visit, and it always feels empty and lonely when he leaves. 

"Ty, you okay?" Jenna asks one evening in bed.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I'm just not used to being home. It feels weird being here, you know?"

"Yeah, I get that. Anything I can do to help you... adjust?" she asks coyly, sliding her hand down his chest, going lower, and lower...

Tyler feels his breath hitch in his chest. An image of Josh getting out of the shower with his towel around his waist, hair and body still dripping wet, flicks through his mind and he is instantly hard. Jenna grips him over his boxers with her hand, a sound of pleasant surprise emitting from her. 

"Babe, maybe we shouldn't-" Tyler says, embarrassed.

Jenna sticks out her bottom lip in a pout, hand still resting on his boxers. "Why not?"

"I just, I-I... I can't, I'm sorry." Tyler kisses her forehead softly, then rolls over onto his side away from her. She's too stunned for words, and slowly sinks back down onto the bed.

Eventually she falls asleep. Once Tyler hears her slow, even breathing, he sneaks out of bed and into the bathroom. He can't help himself. He's still hard as a rock, and he can't stop picturing Josh in nothing but a towel, beads of water rolling down his broad chest and muscular abs. His hand flies on its own, jerking up and down the length of his shaft. He's cumming in minutes. Immediately after, the tears start. They don't stop. He looks at himself in the mirror, feeling nothing but disgust with himself and what he's just done. 

_What is wrong with me?_

He stares at himself in the mirror for a long time. Tyler doesn't sleep that night.

The next day, they head over to Tyler's parents' house for a family dinner. Of course the Duns are also invited to this, and of course Josh is already there when they arrive. Tyler suddenly remembers the night before, and avoids meeting Josh's gaze.

"Ty! Jenna! My two favorite people!" They hear as Josh bounds over to them. He quickly embraces them both. "Your mom is cooking something, and whatever it is smells awesome."

"Yeah... I think I'll go see if she needs any help!" Tyler quickly ducks out, leaving Jenna and Josh to exchange some confused looks.

In the kitchen, Tyler sees his mom, Kelly, stirring garlic butter into mashed red potatoes. There's a roast in the oven giving off a heavenly smell.

"Hey, mom!" He rushes over and hugs her tightly.

"Oh! H-hi!" She gasps, taken off guard, spoon still in hand. "Something wrong, sweetheart?"

"Not at all. I just missed you." He gives her a tight squeeze before finally letting her go. "Do you want any help with anything?"

She quickly sets him to work with something relatively easy- buttering dinner rolls. She knows as well as anyone else that he is completely incapable of doing any real cooking. After some time, he begins to set the table in the dining room, ignoring the increasing volume coming from the living room. They were all gathered around the tv watching some game. Normally he would be in there with them, cheering on whoever, but not today. He couldn't bring himself to be close to Josh. Eventually, dinner was ready, and they all sat down at the table. Tyler is abnormally quiet, lost in his own head space. Josh keeps shooting concerned looks in his direction, but ultimately leaves him alone.

"What do you think, Tyler?" The sudden question from Maddy pulling him back to reality.

"Huh?" Tyler looks around at the faces staring at him expectantly, confused. "Sorry, I wasn't listening. What'd you say?"

Maddy sighs. "We've been talking about basketball for the past twenty minutes, I thought you'd be paying the most attention! Who do you think has a shot at the finals this year?"

"Oh, um, I don't know. Haven't really been following any sports lately, haven't really had time to keep up with it all..."

"Well I think..." but Tyler's attention was already gone.

At the end of the night, everyone was hugging and kissing, saying their goodbyes. Josh pulled Tyler aside in the commotion.

"Dude, are you okay? You've been acting really weird all night." Asked Josh, eyebrows knitted together with concern.

"Yeah, just a bit tired. Rough night last night." Tyler faked a yawn to sell his story. "I promise, I'm okay!" He added, because Josh didn't look convinced.

"Okay... If you say so. Anyway, is it cool if I come over tomorrow? I picked up this really cool Japanese version of Mario Kart 64. I'm pretty sure everything is the same, just everything is in Japanese."

"Yeah, sounds sick! Anyway, I gotta get going. I'm sure Jenna is waiting to go to bed." Tyler said, hugging Josh briefly. He caught a wiff of Josh's hair, and it dazed him for a moment.

But Jenna wasn't anxious to get to bed. As soon as they got in the car, the questions started.

"What's going on? Are you alright? Why were you acting so weird at dinner? And what happened last night?"

"Can we at least wait until we get home?" Tyler asked.

"Fine." She dropped it, but the drive home was uncomfortable and tense. 

Once they're home, the silence becomes unbearable as they both sit opposite each other in the dining room. Finally, Jenna breaks the silence.

"Well? What's going on? You're starting to worry me. You've been acting strange ever since the tour ended."

"... Jenna, I... I-I can't tell you. I don't know. There's something really wrong with me. I hate it. I don't know what to do. I-" Tears are streaming down Tyler's face and his voice cracks. 

Jenna rushes to his side and pulls him in close to comfort him. "Shhhh, baby, it's okay. We'll get through it, whatever it is." He sobs uncontrollably, and the words seem to come from nowhere.

"I-I love Josh." And he instantly regrets it.

Jenna giggles, "what? Um, yeah, he's your best friend, I know you love him, silly."

He cried harder. "No... no. That's not what I meant. I love Josh. I'm _in love with_ Josh."

Jenna stiffens. The silence is deafening, pounding inside Tyler's ears. His heart is racing and he begins to panic.

"I love you, too! I have always loved you, and loving Josh doesn't take away from that. I don't know why. I don't- I don't know what to do, Jenna. I love him and you and I don't know what to do."

She pulls away from him, her face blank from shock. He watches her with caution, waiting for her reaction. Slowly, ever so slowly, her expression turns to one of disgust.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jenna spat, and Tyler flinched. He had never heard her curse before. "You're in love with _Josh?_ That's disgusting, Tyler. Is this real?"

He nodded, slowly, gulping. He couldn't speak. He didn't know what reaction he expected, but certainly not this one. Tears escaped down his cheeks and off his chin.

Jenna was crying now, too, but she seemed more angry than sad. "I can't even fucking look at you right now. I have to go. I can't- what the fuck. I have to go. Somewhere. I can't deal with this shit right now."

With that, she grabbed the car keys and stormed out. Tyler just stared after her, mouth open in shock. He heard the tires squealing out of the driveway. She was gone. He finally told her his secret after all these years, and she left. He felt sick. He stumbled his way over to the bathroom, pausing to look at himself. His eyes were completely bloodshot and puffed up. His cheeks were stained with tears, his lips were dry and cracked. His skin was paler than it had ever looked. He leaned over the toilet and puked his guts out. He puked until he had nothing left but bile, and puked some of that up, too. He sat with his back up against the bathtub for a long time. At some point, fully clothed, he stepped into the shower and turned it on. Something about the water hitting his face was soothing. He put his hands on either side of the shower head and leaned into it.

"Ouch!" he cried out, as he examined his bleeding hand. He looked and saw that where he had put his hand, there was a razor that was suction cupped to the wall. He grabbed the razor and sunk down in the tub. His clothes were heavy and completely soaked through. He felt like he was being pulled toward the drain. His fingers were not adept enough to pull the individual razor blades out of the head of the razor. At this point, there was some light shining through the window to the bathroom. Dawn. He stared at the light, contemplating it as water ran down his face. At long last, he took ahold of the razor firmly and pressed the blades as hard as he could into his wrist. He inhaled sharply from the pain. He dragged it down with force, repeating the action over and over on both wrists until his hands were covered in a river of red. 

He lay there, with his hands at his sides, for what seemed like days. His hands started to go numb. The pain was gone. He could barely hear anything anymore, his consciousness fading slowly. Even the water from the shower sounded like it was coming from a badly tuned radio. Red swiveled in the water around him, pulling him down further and further. His vision was blurry. There was a vague outline of someone pushing the shower door open.

"TYLER! HELP, SOMEONE PLEASE!" He heard Josh's voice screaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise my writing gets better the further along you read. It started out rough, but it's good now, I promise.
> 
> Follow me on twitter! @blurry_cake


	2. I'll Be Holding Onto You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "... Ty?" Josh's voice was hushed.
> 
> "Yeah?"
> 
> "I really thought I'd lost you. Please... I mean, this is really selfish of me, but... I can't bear to lose you, either. I don't know what I would do. Don't go away."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, I am acquainted with the inside of the rooms in the psych ward. I'm sorry this is short, I promise the next chapter will be better.

Before opening his eyes, Tyler could hear a faint beeping coming from somewhere. He felt a burning pain in both arms. His eyes slowly fluttered open, and it took him a moment to realize where he was. He was lying in a very stiff bed, and his arms were bound on each side, strapped down to the bed. There was gauze on his wrists, and as he flexed his hands, he could feel the stitches pulling the skin. Looking up, he saw the heart monitor, the source of the beeping, which was louder now that he was coming to. Looking around the room, he could see the room was plain. No windows, just a door. A locked door. Plain white walls. No television. In the upper right-hand corner of the room, he saw a security camera pointing directly at his bed. The bed was cold, and it felt like a gym mat. He had no pillow, and only a thin white sheet covering most of his lower body. He shivered involuntarily.

"Hello?" he called out tentatively.

It wasn't until then that he realized someone was in the room, standing behind the bed. Josh rushed up to the side of the bed.

"Tyler! You're awake. Thank God you're awake. I was so scared." Josh looked as though he hadn't slept in days. His eyes were bloodshot, the bags under his eyes were heavily indented and dark. His hair was unkempt, more than usual, and his clothes were ruffled and wrinkled.

"Josh...? What... where am I?" 

"After I... After I found you, you know, I called 911. I tried to stop the bleeding myself, but... Tyler, what happened?"

Tyler was silent for a moment while he chewed over his response. He looked up at Josh's face and his heart shattered right then and there. Josh was crying. He had only seen Josh cry once before- when his grandfather died. His voice faltered in his throat. At that moment, they heard a few beeps and the door unlatched. A nurse walked in carrying a chart.

"You gave us quite a scare, Mr. Joseph. My name is Greg, I'm just going to be taking your vital signs, okay?" The nurse silently moved around Tyler. After a moment, he gestured to the restraints holding Tyler down. "Now, we have these in place for your safety and ours. Can you promise that if we remove these restraints, you won't resist treatment and you'll let us help you?" Tyler nodded. "Okay, good."

Once he was free of his restraints, Tyler stretched his arms out, only to yelp in pain from the stitches pulling.

"Be careful! We don't want you to tear your stitches." Greg warned. "Now, Mr. Joseph, we have a Mrs. Jenna Elizabeth Joseph listed as your spouse. We have tried to contact her with the phone number listed, but it went straight to voicemail. We can continue to try to reach her, if you'd like."

"No, no... She's... gone." Tyler's voice cracked, and he saw Josh's jaw drop out of the corner of his eye. He was staring at Tyler, but Tyler just looked down at his hands.

"Ah... Okay. Well, the doctor will be in with you shortly to discuss your situation. The door is secured, so you won't be able to get out on your own. If you need to use the restroom, you will need to alert someone, okay?" And with that, Greg left.

Josh rounded on Tyler. 

"What the hell is going on? Where is Jenna? Tyler, _please!_ Tell me what happened! Let me help you!"

"I... I can't, Josh. I can't tell you. I lost her. I lost her and I can't lose you, too. I wouldn't survive losing you." Tyler choked out. Suddenly, Josh's arms were around him, pulling him into a tight hug. It was the first time Tyler realized that Josh was shaking.

Josh's voice was thick and raspy as he said, "you will _never_ lose me. Do you hear me? Never." Too soon, he released Tyler from his grip, and turned away to wipe his eyes.

The silence filled up the room. It was suffocating and deafening. Josh walked out of Tyler's line of sight, behind the bed.

"... Ty?" Josh's voice was hushed.

"Yeah?"

"I really thought I'd lost you. Please... I mean, this is really selfish of me, but... I can't bear to lose you, either. I don't know what I would do. Don't go away." 

"I'm sorry, Josh. I'm sorry I did that to you."

Finally, the doctor came in and explained to Tyler what was going to happen. They were going to keep him for 72 hours to monitor him and make sure that he was no longer a threat to himself or others before they let him go home. He asked questions about Tyler's motives, but the answers given were vague. The doctor pushed and prodded, but to no avail. He did some physical tests, then left the room. It was then that Tyler broke apart. His head in his hands, he began sobbing uncontrollably. His face contorted and his breath was coming out in heaves. Josh came to him and held him close to his chest. "Shhhh, it's okay. I'm here. I got you." he comforted as he kissed Tyler's forehead. He sat on the edge of the bed with Tyler for hours, not once breaking their embrace. Long after the silence came, they were still huddled up together as if it were the only thing holding either of them up. Silent tears stained Josh's cheeks. He stroked Tyler's hair gently.

"Josh?"

"Yeah, Ty?"

"Will you stay with me?"

"Of course. I'm not leaving your side."


	3. Help Me Polarize

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He started to undress slowly, first taking his shirt off, then his pants. He removed his socks, but paused at his boxers. "This is humiliating." he mumbled. With a large sigh, he pushed them down and kicked them off. He balled up his clothes and stuck them in the bag. He sat on the bed and put his knees up to try and hide his nakedness. He didn't even have a blanket to cover up with. Josh cleared his throat.
> 
> "I'm going to go to the bathroom, okay Ty-guy? I'll be right back." Tyler looked up as Josh turned away, catching that Josh's face was curiously bright red. Josh knocked on the door and someone let him out.
> 
> Tyler stared after him, a puzzled expression playing across his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: homophobic slur used (once) in this chapter.

The next day started slow. Tyler soon realized that he couldn't have any of his possessions with him, not even his phone. The worst part was in the morning, after he woke up. His head hurt and his mouth was dry. A different nurse came in to check on him after a while, and informed him that he would need to take off all of his clothes. 

"Um. Excuse me, what?" he stared at the nurse with a dumbfounded expression.

"You will need to strip down completely, we'll bring you some hospital clothes to wear. You can place your clothes into this bag," she said as she placed in front of him a white plastic bag with the words "PATIENT'S BELONGINGS" stamped on the front. "What size clothes do you wear?"

"Uh, medium." he choked out.

He looked at Josh nervously. Josh had a look of compassion on his face.

"Ty, do you want me to leave the room?"

"No, that's okay. I mean, we've undressed in front of each other before, right?"

"Well... undressed down to boxers, yeah."

"Wait, I have to take my boxers off?!" Tyler said too loudly, looking at the nurse, who nodded. Tyler gulped.

"Alright, I'll be right back with your new clothes." The nurse said as she stepped out of the room.

He started to undress slowly, first taking his shirt off, then his pants. He removed his socks, but paused at his boxers. "This is humiliating." he mumbled. With a large sigh, he pushed them down and kicked them off. He balled up his clothes and stuck them in the bag. He sat on the bed and put his knees up to try and hide his nakedness. He didn't even have a blanket to cover up with. Josh cleared his throat.

"I'm going to go to the bathroom, okay Ty-guy? I'll be right back." Tyler looked up as Josh turned away, catching that Josh's face was curiously bright red. Josh knocked on the door and someone let him out.

Tyler stared after him, a puzzled expression playing across his face. He pulled his knees tighter to his chest, rocking himself slightly. His hands were shaking. The nurse came back with green pants and a shirt. He pulled them on with some trouble- his hands wouldn't stop shaking. He laid down on the bed and curled himself into a ball. It wasn't until then that he realized how tired he was. He fell asleep within moments.

\----____----

Jenna was in front of him, wearing a robe and bunny slippers. Her hair was down and mussed in some spots, she hadn't yet combed it after waking up. They were standing in their kitchen, she was cooking bacon on the stove top. The grease sizzled and popped, and she jumped back in surprise. She was laughing at some joke he had told, her hair falling over her face and her shoulders shaking. She was talking about something, but Tyler couldn't understand her. It was like her voice was far away, even though she was standing right there. She was smiling and telling a seemingly very exciting story. Suddenly, she stopped and looked him dead in the eye.

"You're disgusting!" Jenna shouted at him. The sound echoed around them as if it were bouncing off the walls a million times over, getting more and more amplified each time. She backed him into a corner, her blue eyes shining with malice and hate. "Disgusting." she whispered, but the voice wasn't hers. It was deep and distorted. He cowered in the corner, and she leaned over him, her hair flying around her. She put her hands on his shoulders and shook him as she screamed.

Slowly, she crouched down, but as she did, her features changed. Her lips grew fuller, her eyes smaller and upturned on the outsides. Her nose flattened and widened with a silver hoop on the left side, her hair inching shorter. Her shoulders broadened and her arms doubled in size with muscle. Her hair was cherry red and an inch long. Josh was kneeling before Tyler. "You. are. disgusting!" he spat. His lips curled into a sneer and his eyes were black as coal. His face started to contort as if he had smelled something awful.

"How could I be friends with you? You're nothing but a disgusting _faggot._ "

"No! JOSH THIS ISN'T YOU! NO-"

"TYLER! Tyler, wake up!" Josh was shaking him awake. Tyler's eyes snapped open, and he realized he had fallen on the floor. His whole body was trembling and his face was wet with tears. He looked at Josh and threw himself into his lap, arms around Josh's waist. He crumpled and sobbed uncontrollably. Josh rubbed his back and held him there until the tears slowed down. Tyler gasped for air like he was drowning, and took deep breaths to calm himself.

"It was only a dream." he croaked out after a while.

"That's right, buddy. It was just a dream, nothing is going to hurt you." Josh ran his hand up and down Tyler's back soothingly. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Tyler was silent for a moment, his head still in Josh's lap. "It was Jenna," he said finally, "she was yelling at me- horrible things and... It was terrible."

"Jenna?" Josh shifted, and pulled Tyler up to a sitting position. "Ty, what's going on? Jenna loves you."

Before Tyler could respond, a doctor came in and said he needed to ask Tyler some questions. Josh helped Tyler back onto the bed, gave him a quick one arm squeeze, then left the room. Tyler didn't want him to leave, but he also knew he couldn't be completely truthful with the doctor with Josh there. He shifted on the uncomfortable bed, crossing his legs in front of him. He couldn't stop fidgeting, he knew what was coming.

"Mr. Joseph, I know this is hard. Can you tell me why you hurt yourself?" the doctor asked. Tyler could hear the compassion in his voice.

This is it. "I... I don't know if I can say it. Saying it out loud just makes it real."

"It already is real. Saying it doesn't change anything. I know this is scary. I'm not here to judge you, I'm only here to help you. But you have to _want_ help, son."

Tyler chewed on the inside of his cheek for a moment. He stared at his trembling hands and tried, in vain, to steady them. He looked up at the tiny window in the door and tried to imagine he was somewhere else, anywhere else. The silence only grew louder until his heart was pounding in his ears.

"My... my wife left me. She just left. And it was because... because I-" he choked on his words as a sob escaped. "I'm in love with my best friend." he whispered, hoping the doctor couldn't hear, but he did. The doctor placed a hand on Tyler's knee to comfort him. Tyler looked at the doctor, really saw him for the first time. He was older, probably in his sixties, his white hair a dead giveaway. He wore thick wire-rimmed glasses, and his eyes were pale blue. His eyes showed nothing but compassion. Tyler read the badge he was wearing, and saw that his name was Dr. Reed.

"It's okay, son." Dr. Reed said calmly. Something about this man was very calming. Tyler felt a wave of relief wash over him. "There's nothing wrong with you. I promise." After a few more questions and a quick examination of Tyler's wounds, Dr. Reed left, and Josh traded places with him.

"You okay, Ty-guy?" Josh smiled his perfect smile, with his perfect teeth, and his eyes crinkling at the corners.

"I think so." Tyler said, blowing out a big puff of air. "I'm ready to get out of here, honestly. I'm going a little stir crazy."

"Hmmm. Maybe we can think of something to pass the time a little easier. Maybe a game? I know, let's play I spy. I'll go first, I spy with my little eye, something white!" Josh laughed at his own joke. Tyler joined in, scoffing at the lame attempt at humor. It felt good to laugh after everything that had happened.

"Joshie?" Tyler said after they quieted down.

Josh smiled at the familiar use of the nickname. "Yeah?"

"Will you lay with me?"

"Of course I will, Ty. Scoot over." Tyler made some room for Josh, although admittedly there wasn't much on the small bed. Josh lay down next to him, and Tyler looked him in the eyes.

"Thank you."

"For what?" Josh cocked his head to the side.

"For being here. For staying with me."

"You don't need to thank me. I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Come here." Josh opened his arms up to Tyler, who moved over and rested his head on Josh's chest. He could hear Josh's heart beat, slow and even. He could feel his chest rise and fall with each breath. This was what home feels like. Tyler snuck an arm around Josh's waist and squeezed. He never wanted to be anywhere else but here. He sighed happily, and Josh chuckled. The vibration went through his whole chest. Tyler didn't think he could find peace or happiness in the psyche ward, but somehow here, with Joshua William Dun, he did. He listened as Josh's breathing became slow and even, and realized for the first time that Josh hadn't slept at all since they got here.

"I love you." Tyler whispered.

"Mmmm." Josh replied in his sleep.


	4. We're Broken People

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "OH f..fuuck... Josh!" This time there was definitely no mistaking it. Hearing Tyler say his name in such a way was doing things to Josh that he didn't quite understand. He was somewhat shocked to hear Tyler curse- he had never heard that word come out of his mouth before, and something about it seemed so taboo and exciting. He should feel uncomfortable right now. He should want to wake Tyler up so he doesn't hear any more of this. And he definitely should not have an erection right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanted to do a little bit from Josh's perspective this chapter, also tried to move the story along a little bit since the past few chapters have been stagnant and background based.

It was the end of the 72 hours. Tyler was being discharged from the hospital, but only because Josh promised the doctors that he was going to be staying with Tyler to keep an eye on him. Tyler rubbed his still sore wrists. They had taken the stitches out, and it was clear that there would be major scarring. The nurses brought him his clothes, and even though he wanted nothing more than to burn them, he gave back the itchy and uncomfortable hospital clothes. Josh held his hand as they walked out of the hospital and to his car. It was a quiet drive to his house, with the radio too low to make out anything other than a low hum. As they pulled up to Tyler's house, his breathing picked up in pace. Josh pulled to a stop in the driveway, but Tyler couldn't move. He couldn't get out of the car or do anything other than stare wide-eyed out the front windshield. He was on the verge of hyperventilation.

"Hey, hey, it's okay Ty-guy!" Josh rubbed his arm to try to comfort him. "You're safe, I'm here with you."

But Tyler didn't hear anything he said. He barely registered Josh touching his arm, he just stared at the house with his mind numb, growing dizzier by the minute. His jaw clenched and his hands wouldn't stop violently shaking. It wasn't until Josh grabbed his chin and jerked it so that they were face to face that he was jarred out of his panic attack.

" **Hey.** Look at me. I'm right here with you, okay? Breathe with me. That's it. In through the nose, out through the mouth," Josh said as he exhaled. His eyes probed Tyler's cautiously. "I will do whatever you need me to, Ty. And look, your parents are going to come over later. Everyone cares about you so much. We're going to get through this."

Slowly, Tyler came back down to earth. He just then realized that he had grabbed Josh's hand in an attempt to steady his own- he was gripping so hard that his knuckles were white and poor Josh's skin was red. He let go, blushing slightly, and mumbled, "sorry."

A few hours later, Tyler's parents and siblings came over, and everyone tried their best to make things seem normal. No one talked about the hospital visit, but everyone could feel it like an elephant in the room. After a while, the tension started to slip away and a few jokes were cracked. He even challenged Zack to a few rounds of Mario Kart, which he of course went on to win. They were shoving each other and laughing, like nothing at all was wrong in the world. Before long, it was time for them to get going.

As they exchanged hugs and goodbyes, Tyler's mom Kelly pulled Josh aside.

"Has he said anything to you about what happened? Where's Jenna?" she asked, trying to stem the tears welling up in her eyes.

"He hasn't. I don't know where Jenna is, I tried to call her. The number seems to be disconnected or something, but I can't even leave her a voicemail." Josh replied as he pulled her into a tight hug.

"You don't think that's why he...?" she trailed off, looking over at Tyler who was having his hair ruffled by his father. Everyone was smiling.

"I... I can't say. I hope not. But listen," he said as he put his hands on her shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes, "I'm not going anywhere. I will make sure that he is safe. No matter what."

Kelly kissed him on the cheek and brushed off a few small tears. She went over to everyone else and hugged her son as tight as she could, causing him to complain that she was cutting off his air supply, and then everyone was gone. Josh leaned against the wall with his arms crossed, and looked over at Tyler, who had a look that was somewhere between confused and scared. 

"Hey, Ty. It's pretty late, you want to head to bed?" Tyler nodded and turned toward the bedroom without saying anything.

Josh began to walk to the guest bedroom when he saw Tyler stop at the entrance to his bedroom. "What's up?" he asked, looking at Tyler expectantly.

"Uh, nothing, it's just... um... would you, you know, you don't have to if you don't want to obviously, but I would just really like it if you would- um, come sleep in my bed with me?" Tyler said as he looked at the ground, cheeks turning faintly red.

Josh smiled, his usual warm eye-crinkling smile. "Don't be silly. Of course I'll stay with you." Tyler smiled, and Josh felt as if he hadn't seen that boy's smile in years. It made a feeling of warmth wash over him.

They soon settled into bed, and it was clear to Josh that Tyler was exhausted. He soon heard his slow and steady breathing, signaling that he had fallen asleep. Josh, however, couldn't sleep. He hadn't slept more than a few hours at a time this whole three days. He was exhausted, but he couldn't stop worrying about his best friend. He watched Tyler sleep. He seemed relaxed now, no nightmare imminent. The lines on his face were relaxed, and his mouth was hanging slightly open. For a while, Josh just watched as he slept, every now and then a slight smile playing on Tyler's adorable face. He looked at the boy's sleeping form, he was half on his side and half on his back. Josh looked at his wrists. He picked up his hands ever so gently, and saw up-close the damage his friend had done. Instantly, tears sprang into his eyes. He gently kissed each wrist, swearing to himself that he would never let anything like this happen again. _Where the hell is Jenna? What did she do?_

Just as Josh was starting to drift off to sleep, he heard Tyler grunting in his sleep. He sat up, afraid that Tyler was having another nightmare. His breathing seemed labored, and his face was scrunched up tight. Josh thought momentarily about waking him up, when he heard Tyler say something.

"Jo...sh..." It sounded like a moan. But hang on, that couldn't be right. Tyler was squirming slightly, for a moment Josh worried that he was uncomfortable, until he saw it. Tyler's pajama pants were tented. He was having a wet dream. Josh felt his face heating up as he tried to look away. Tyler couldn't be dreaming about him, he must have misunderstood when he thought Tyler said his name. Suddenly, Tyler was gripping the sheets and moaning. Josh felt guilty for watching, so he tried to roll over and go to sleep.

"OH f..fuuck... Josh!" This time there was definitely no mistaking it. Hearing Tyler say his name in such a way was doing things to Josh that he didn't quite understand. He was somewhat shocked to hear Tyler curse- he had never heard that word come out of his mouth before, and something about it seemed so taboo and exciting. He should feel uncomfortable right now. He should want to wake Tyler up so he doesn't hear any more of this. And he definitely should not have an erection right now. The moaning started to get louder and more urgent, and Josh knew that Tyler would be embarrassed if he knew his best friend had heard this.

He tried to conceal his erection as he shook Tyler awake. "Tyler, wake up! Tyler!" Tyler looked very confused and out of it. 

"Wha...?" Tyler asked with sleep still thick in his voice.

"You... It sounded like you were having a nightmare! I just, you know, thought it would be best to wake you up." Josh knew the story didn't sound convincing, but he couldn't tell Tyler what he heard.

"Oh... uh, okay..." Tyler was waking up more, and realizing that he knew _exactly_ what he had been dreaming about, and it _definitely_ wasn't a nightmare. "S-sorry about that... th-thanks for waking me up."

The moonlight was streaked across Tyler's face, revealing a slow blush which told Josh that he remembered what his dream was about. Josh opened his mouth to ask, but the words died in his throat. Instead, he opted to roll over and attempt to sleep, his raging erection still at the forefront of his mind. Somehow, he was able to drift off.

When he awoke, he rolled over to see a still-sleeping Tyler. Seeing the sun softly glowing against the boy's tan skin with such a relaxed look on his face made Josh feel a surge of affection. Not thinking, he leaned down and kissed Tyler on the cheek. He had done the before, of course, but this time felt different. He wasn't sure if it was because of Tyler's dream, or because something had changed inside of him. The kiss was tender and soft, and Tyler's eyelids slowly fluttered open as he felt it. When he registered whose lips were on his cheek, a deep blush crept across it. He looked up at a smiling Josh, and smiled right back.

"Breakfast?" Josh quirked his head to the side as he asked it.

"Sure! What are you making for me?" Tyler chuckled.

"Making your favorite. You stay here and rest. I'll be back in about twenty minutes, okay?" And with that, Josh bounded out of bed. He stretched and Tyler watched as the muscles in his back rolled and tightened, all the way down to his spine. He shivered at the magnificent sight.

 

Tyler had unknowingly drifted off to sleep, and was awoken to the smell of bacon. He looked up and saw Josh balancing food on a tray, hair still disheveled from sleep. Tyler ran a hand through his own hair, fluffing it up on the top. His eyes widened with excitement when he saw what was on the tray. There was bacon, yes, but more importantly Josh had made eggs benedict, his favorite. And of course, no meal would be completely without red bull. 

"Jishwa! You really went all out! Thank you so much, it looks frigging delicious." 

Josh smiled and ruffled Tyler's hair.

"So," Josh started, "What do you want to do today? We can do whatever you want. The one condition is that it has to be something that gets you out of the house. Today, consider me your own personal genie. Except you don't have to stop at three wishes." Tyler laughed, and the sound was whatever Josh imagined he would hear when he went to heaven.

"Hmmm." Tyler mulled it over as he chewed his food slowly and carefully. "I would really like to go ice skating. I haven't been in so long, and I think it would help take my mind off of things. And then we can just wing the rest of the day."

They were both hunched over the low wall of the skating rink, huffing loudly and trying to catch their breath. They had decided to race each other once around the rink, and were practically sprinting on their toes the entire time, rather than actually skating. They couldn't agree on who won though- it was a true photo finish, with no third party around to determine it for them. But of course each of them thought they were the winner.

"Dude, I totally beat you! Admit it!" The two were now sitting outside the rink, taking their skates off.

"No way, man. You just don't want to lose face in front of all the pretty girls around." Josh blushed deeply when Tyler's statement caused him to look around. There were a lot of girls who seemed to be looking at him and giggling among their friends. He looked down at the ground and fiddled with his hands. He had always been uncomfortable with attention. It was the reason why he didn't ever sing back up vocals at live shows or even have a mic. Even getting out into the crowd to drum was difficult for him. Tyler noticed, and playfully shoved him. The two laughed, and started to walk toward the counter to return their skates. Josh shoved Tyler, causing him to lose his balance. Tyler grabbed Josh's shirt to try to save himself, instead causing both boys to go down. Josh landed on top of Tyler, and they both laughed until their eyes met. They stared with intensity growing, blushes spreading on both faces.

Josh cleared his throat and swiftly rolled off of Tyler, jumping up and then offering a hand to the other boy. He pulled Tyler up an suddenly their faces were too close, each could feel the other's breath on his face. Josh searched Tyler's eyes for a moment, not knowing what to do, but he felt certain his heart was pumping so loud that everyone could hear it. He didn't know what was happening or what feeling was stirring inside of him, but he quickly released Tyler's hand and walked away. Tyler stood there for a moment, looking after Josh in a daze.

 

The rest of the day passed with many awkward silences between them. It was fun enough, but something was different and neither of them wanted to discuss what was happening between them. When they got home, neither of them spoke and Tyler said he felt tired and wanted to go lay down. Josh figured it was best to just leave him alone, and so he decided to go take out his feelings by practicing on his drum pads. He turned on some music and drum along to the beat. After a while, he decided to get some water from the kitchen. As he passed the hallway leading to the bedrooms, he saw Tyler's bedroom door ajar.

Tyler sat on the edge of the bed. He hadn't felt tired at all, he just needed some space to clear his head. He couldn't stop thinking about how good it felt when Josh had been on top of him, or how much he wanted to kiss him when their faces were just inches apart- and _damn_ did he want to kiss him. But he couldn't think like that. Josh was his best friend, and he couldn't lose him, not right now. Not ever. 

_Why would he want you, anyway? He could do so much better, and you know it._

Tyler shook his head frantically, trying to shut up the voice inside his head. He grabbed fistfulls of his own hair and rocked back and forth on the bed, his knees pulled up to his chest. He shut his eyes tightly, and tried to focus on something, anything, else. He took slow, even breaths, trying not to think about how soft Josh's skin was, how caring and deep his eyes were, how full his lips were. 

"Stop it, stop it, stop it!" Tyler didn't realize how loud he'd said that until he felt hands on his shoulders. He opened his eyes and saw Josh's eyes staring deep into his soul. 

"Ty? You okay?" 

Tyler's brain had gone silent. He didn't think. He just acted. Before he could even process anything, his lips were on Josh's, and _God_ , it was everything he dreamed it would be. Josh's lips were so soft and inviting. Josh reacted as his mind went blank. He was kissing back, his lips parting just slightly, and he felt Tyler's tongue on his lips. When he came to his senses, he pushed away from the kiss, and both boys stared at each other, panting. Tyler's eyes grew wide with fear as he realized what he'd just done.

"Oh my God, Joshie, I'm so sorry, I don't know what that was, I just saw you there and I wasn't even thinking and-" Josh put a hand over his mouth to cut him off.

"Dude. Breathe. I'm not mad, just... confused, okay? I don't understand what's going on. You're married. To Jenna. What the heck is going on here?" Josh asked as he sat down next to Tyler on the bed.

Tyler bit his lower lip, not knowing how to start. He inhaled sharply. "Jenna left. I don't think she's coming back, man. I... I d-don't blame here either." Tyler choked on the last sentence as it came out in a sob.

"Why? Why did she leave? I need to know, Tyler. I need to know so I can help you. Okay?" Tyler nodded sadly.

"I told her something about me that I had never told anyone before. And... Josh, you have to know that I really did- do, love her. She's amazing and I love her so much, but... I, there's someone else, that I also love. That I love more, actually."

"W-what? You love someone... else?" Josh wracked his brain and for the life of him couldn't think of anyone else in Tyler's life that he could love that much. They didn't get to spend much time with other people, after all. It's not like Tyler had time to be seeing someone on the side. "Did you cheat?"

"N-no! Of course not! I just, you know, I had to tell her because it was eating me up inside, you know? I felt like I was dying a little more every day with this giant secret devouring me from the inside."

"Who? I mean, I know it's none of my business, but..." Josh pulled Tyler into a one-armed side hug on the bed. "I'm always here to support you, dude. Always."

Tyler sighed and pressed his head into Josh's shoulder. He inhaled deeply, the sweet smell of him filling his nostrils.

"It's you, Josh. Of course it's you. It's always been you."


	5. I Need You to Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I just read the fanfic Twist and Shout (Supernatural Destiel fanfic), and I needed something happy in my life. So here's a happy thing.
> 
> Sorry it took so long to update! Had some serious writer's block.

Josh blinked slowly. Tyler looked at him, his face a mask of calm. On the inside, Tyler's thoughts were racing and he was about two seconds away from falling apart at the seams. 

"Ty... I-"

"Josh, it's okay. You don't have to say anything. I know you don't feel the same way, and that's okay. You're my best friend, and I don't want to lose you as that. I love you, and that doesn't have to change anything, because I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I mean, it's crazy to think that you could feel the same wa-"

Tyler's rambling was cut off by lips pressing against his. Josh didn't know what he was doing, but he knew he had to do something. This felt right. He grabbed Tyler's shoulders to hold him in place and kissed him tightly. Tyler stiffened, frozen from the shock of what was happening. After a moment, Josh released him, panting. Tyler touched his lips lightly, feeling them tingle. Tyler stared at Josh with his mouth hanging open slightly. He was completely dumbfounded.

"What... what just happened?" He squeaked out after a moment.

"Look, I don't know... I don't know what this is or whatever, and I'm confused as hell. I just know that kissing you feels right, you know?" Josh blushed. He stared at his hands for a moment. When he looked up, he saw that Tyler was crying. "Dude, what's wrong? Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, I just-"

"No, Josh, n-no. Y-you didn't do anything wr-wrong. I was just so w-worried that you would think th-that I was disgusting and throw me away like J-Jenna did."

Josh embraced Tyler tightly, as Tyler sobbed against his shoulder. 

"Shhhh, it's okay, Ty. It's okay. I'm here, I'm not going anywhere." They fell back onto the bed, Josh never releasing Tyler. He felt a mixture of sorrow and rage, rage at Jenna for what she did to his friend. He didn't think he would ever forgive her for what she did. Eventually, he heard Tyler's breathing calm and slow, and after a while he heard soft snores. He kissed the top of the other boy's head. He squeezed tightly and closed his eyes.

 

The next few days went by quickly. Not much happened. Touches lingered a little longer than normal or necessary, and the tension between them when they weren't touching was palpable. Every night they fell asleep embracing each other, and every morning they woke as a tangle of legs and arms. They hadn't kissed since that night, though, and it was killing Tyler. He wanted so badly to ask Josh how he felt, but he didn't want to push the issue and scare him off. One night, while they were laying in bed, Tyler was just about to fall asleep when Josh asked a question that had him wide awake.

"Hey, would you want to maybe, like, go get some dinner tomorrow? There's a little diner in Worthington that's kind of secluded."

"Joshua William Dun. Are you asking me out on a date?" Tyler lifted his head to look at Josh's face, and saw the blush creeping up his cheeks.

"Well, uh, I mean, uh, you could call it that if you want to, it could just be us hanging out and being like manly and stuff." Josh mumbled out.

Tyler giggled. "Dude, stop. I'd love to. Now go to sleep." But both found it extremely difficult to sleep as excitement seared through them. They lay there in silence contentedly for what seemed like hours, just feeling one another's bodies against them.

 

The next day seemed to go by very slowly as Josh went out and was gone for the afternoon. He told Tyler he was going out to run errands, and Tyler wandered idly throughout the house, trying to keep himself busy. At one point, he ended up in the basement, which was essentially the music room. He was strumming his ukulele, and plunking keys on his piano absentmindedly when he felt his phone buzz.

 **Jishwa** : _one (1) new message_

Jishwa: get ready to go. dress up nice. i'll be there to pick you up in 45 minutes.

Tyler's heart did a little dance in his chest and his stomach was flip-flopping as he bounded up the stairs to get ready. He didn't know _how_ nice Josh wanted him to dress, so he went with semi-formal. He threw on some black slacks with a black t-shirt, and his floral kimono on over it. He styled his hair to give it a slightly tousled but neat look, and just as he was looking at himself in the mirror to assess, he heard a knock on the door. His excitement was such that he took the stairs two at a time, and threw open the door. His jaw dropped at the sight in front of him. There was Josh, in a tuxedo, holding a bouquet of forget-me-nots. Tyler just stared at him slack-jawed.

Josh beamed widely, and thrust the bouquet into Tyler's hands. "You ready?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow. Tyler simply nodded, as he still couldn't speak. 

They drove for what seemed like at least an hour. Tyler was getting antsy, his leg jigging up and down on its own. The radio was playing in the background.

**DJ: Here's a hometown favorite. These two boys from Columbus sure are making a lot of noise all around the world. With 'Tear in My Heart', here is Twenty One Pilots.**

_Tear in My Heart starts to play._

Josh and Tyler look at each other and immediately burst into laughter. They came to a red light, and Josh turned the volume on full blast, air drumming and head banging. Tyler fell over in his seat laughing at the boy next to him, before bursting into song himself. As the song ended, they collapsed into fits of giggles. Josh looked over the top of Tyler's head and pointed at the car next to him, where two girls were laughing and filming. Tyler found himself sinking into his seat, a bright red blush creeping up his cheeks. Josh shoved him playfully as they sped away from the intersection. Things were quiet for a moment as Tyler chewed on his bottom lip thoughtfully.

"Hey Josh?"

"What's up?"

"... You know, I... I wrote that song about you."

"..."

"I had to change the pronouns so that everyone would think it was about Jenna, but, really, it's about you."

"Ty, I... I don't know what to say." it came out as a squeak. Josh was having a hard time getting the lump in his throat to go away.

Tyler just looked at his hands fidgeting in his lap, unsure of what to say next. Before he knew it, Josh was pulling his hand away and threading theirs together as they continued to drive in silence. Josh gave his hand a tight squeeze, still looking at the road. Tyler smiled contentedly, gazing over at the bright red haired boy in adoration.

They pull up to a restaurant. It's nothing fancy, just a small family diner. It's a pit stop along a highway, with nothing surrounding it but rolling hills and dead grass. The sun is just starting to set, and the pinkish-orange light is creeping through the windows as they walk inside. There is only one other patron in there, an old man nursing a coffee at the counter. Tyler sees what looks like the silver of a flask pouring over the top of the coffee, but the waitress isn't paying attention to him. She was bent over what looked like math homework, chewing on the eraser of her pencil as she concentrated. Her brown hair was tied in a tight bun on the top of her head, and she wore a pink visor with a matching pink uniform dress, which matched the pink poodle skirt theme that the diner had going on. She perked up as the two of them walk in, her eyes flicking from Josh's red hair, his nose ring, to Tyler's multiple arm tattoos. Clearly she's never seen anyone like them walk into the diner before. She stared at them in a daze, her mouth hanging open just slightly.

Tyler waved a hand in front of her face. "Uh... Hi!"

She shook her head and jumped back slightly as she came around.

"Sorry! Um, welcome to Debby's. My name is Ashley, do you fellas want a booth or a table?" They agreed on a booth. "Alright, as you can see, the place is packed with all of these customers-" she waved her hands around at all the empty tables, "-but I think we can find somewhere for you to sit." She smiled and seated them as she handed them menus.

As the night wore on, the food was barely touched as the boys talked for hours. They had been best friends for so long, and they knew everything there was to know about the other, but for some reason, tonight seemed different. Tyler kept catching Josh staring at his lips, and Josh kept coming up with excuses to lightly brush Tyler's arms and hands with his own. The small touches sent electricity coursing through their veins, like they'd just received a shot of adrenaline. Tyler's stomach was so full of butterflies that he found himself unable to do much more than push his food around the plate. When it came time to leave, Josh went to the counter to pay for their meal. The old man was slumped against the counter, snoring loudly.

"Henry!" Ashley shouted. The old man woke with a jolt, his eyes looking bloodshot and bleary. "Go home! This ain't a hotel!" He grumbled something about "paying customers," but stumbled his way out of the diner, into the frigid cold outside.

Josh laughed loudly as he went to pay. Tyler was using the bathroom. As the waitress took his card from him, she smiled genuinely at him and swiped his card. 

"This will probably take a minute. This machine is probably as old as I am." she said as she gestured to the card reader on the cash register. Both machines looked like they were the first generation of the digital age. "You look like you really love each other."

Josh blushed and rubbed the back of neck as he looked away. "You think so?" Ashley winked at him.

"I know I'm only 17, but I know love when I see it. My parents have been married for 20 years, and you look at each other the way they do." he could only smile and blush. She handed him back his card, and as Tyler came back from the bathroom, he threaded their fingers together. He pulled the brunette out the door, and they both bristled at the cold. They held hands over the center console the whole way home, exchanging silent glances and smiles.

They pulled into the driveway, and Tyler had fallen asleep in the passenger's seat. His fingers were still loosely intertwined with Josh's, and Josh took the opportunity to admire the sleeping boy's features. With a sigh, he pulled their hands apart, got out of the car and walked over to the other side, pulling Tyler out gently and carrying him inside the house. Tyler stirred only enough to curl into Josh's chest and lightly grip his shirt, his eyes never opening. Josh slowly lowered Tyler onto the bed, rolling him gently onto his side. He quickly stripped out of his nice clothes to change into his PJs. 

"Josh...? Wha...?" Josh froze in the middle of pulling up his pajama bottoms, with no boxers on. He turned to see a half asleep Tyler sitting up, his hair sticking out in different directions. Tyler rubbed the sleep from his eyes, then froze when he saw Josh.

"Woah! Uh, sorry dude, uh, I'll just, uh uh, I'll just cover my eyes. Sorry-sorry!" Tyler rushed out as he threw his head into a pillow. Josh pulled his pants the rest of the way on and cautiously got into bed.

 

"..."

 

"... Ty, you can look now." Tyler slowly peeked his head up to reveal a tomato red face. "Hi... sorry about that."

"Dude. Jishwa. Commando? Really?"

It was Josh's turn to blush. "Um, I just, I don't know, I don't like it. It's uncomfortable. Feels constricting when I'm laying down, you know? I..." he faltered and looked down.

Tyler burst into a fit of giggles, half from sleep deprivation, half from nervous laughter. Josh joined in, and soon they were wiping tears from their eyes. They looked up and locked eyes for a few seconds, though it seemed like a million years. Tyler's heart skipped several beats, and Josh's Adam's apple bobbed up and down a few times. They don't know which one initiated it, but before they knew it, their lips were touching, and parting to make way for tongues and teeth. Their tongues swirled and their bodies pressed closer together. Tyler wrapped his hand around the back of Josh's head, gripping his hair. Josh sucked Tyler's bottom lip between his teeth and pulled lightly, eliciting a growl from the other. His hands felt Tyler's face, down to his chin, to his neck, sliding over his shoulders and chest. They paused only to gasp for breath before tearing back into each other with a renewed hunger.

Tyler pulled off as he felt a buzzing in his pocket. His phone. He turned on the screen to see what it said.

 **Dime piece wife** : _one (1) new message_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment and let me know what you think! I'm always looking to improve, and confidence boosts never hurt.


	6. Someone Else Has Your Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jenna.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost 4,000 words, sorry it's so freaking long. Enjoy.
> 
> Bonus points if you catch the two very sly references I make- one is tøp and one isn't.

**Dime piece wife <3**: _one(1) new message_

Tyler had been staring at the notification for hours. The time read 3:02 a.m. Josh was snoring loudly beside him in bed. 

 

_"What's up?" Josh cocked his head to the side._

_Tyler was staring at the screen, his breath caught in his chest. His eyes started to glass over with threatening tears. His heart stuttered in his chest. Josh cleared his throat. Tyler's head snapped up as he came back to reality, and he quickly put his phone down._

_"Ty?"_

_"S-sorry! It's nothing. Um, I'm really tired Jish."_

_Josh didn't believe the fake yawn that followed, but he thought it best not to push. He kissed the top of Tyler's head and rolled over on his side to sleep._

 

As soon as he was sure Josh was asleep, Tyler picked his phone back up and let his anxiety wash over him. What could she want? He hadn't heard from her in weeks, and the last time he saw her she called him disgusting and stormed out. She basically ripped his heart out and ripped it apart with her teeth, laughing as the blood dribbled down her chin. He shuddered at his over active imagination. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, as if willing the notification to go away. He huffed out a breath as he opened his eyes and saw it again on his screen. He felt a burst of anger as he slammed the phone face down on his bedside table, flopping into bed and attempting to sleep. It was no use. The message was practically calling to him. With a frustrated sigh, he sat up abruptly and grabbed the stupid phone again.

Here goes.

With a shaking hand, he swiped the screen and the message opened.

 **Dime piece wife <3**: Meet me at the starbucks in the mall @ noon tomorrow. we need to talk its important.

Tyler didn't sleep that night.

 

"Woah, are you okay?" Josh spotted Tyler as he stumbled sleepily into the kitchen. Tyler's eyes were completely bloodshot. His hands shook as he pushed some cereal around a bowl.

"Uh..." Tyler didn't know whether he should tell Josh about the text or not. He decided against it, because he didn't think Josh would let him go if he knew. "I just couldn't sleep. Lots going on, you know?" Josh nodded, and he didn't press any further.

 

It was a very dreary day in Columbus, but that wasn't really surprising. Tyler stared out the windshield of his car and looked at the clouds twisting and forming above. He'd arrived the mall early. He glanced at the screen on his phone and read the time as 11:52 a.m. His hands gripped the steering wheel, and he just couldn't will himself to get out. He hadn't even unbuckled his seat belt, because that would mean he was really committing to getting out of the car and going inside. 

Inside his head it was like a hurricane of emotion and turmoil. He'd lied to Josh, saying that he was going to visit his mom for a few hours. Josh wouldn't have let him leave the house alone if he was going to see anyone other than his family. Tyler hated lying to Josh. It made him feel physically ill. Jaw clenched, he unbuckled his seat belt and got out of the car so quickly that he almost fell over. He had a hoodie on pulled over his head, hoping no one would recognize him. He loved meeting fans normally, but not today. As he walked into the coffee shop, he felt his knees almost buckle under him when he spotted his wife. Jenna was so beautiful, and he'd forgotten how much he missed her. But with that longing came a pang of guilt. What about Josh? He sighed and pushed the thought from his mind as he forced himself to walk forward.

She noticed Tyler as soon as he had walked in, and she watched him as he approached. Tyler noticed that her hair was disheveled, and she wasn't wearing any makeup. Not that she needed to, but it was out of character for her. Her eyes were puffy and lined with red around the edged. Had she been crying? What in the world was going on?

"Hi." Tyler just stood awkwardly by the table, not sure if he should sit down.

"Hey, Ty... I'm glad you came." Jenna smiled weakly up at him, but it didn't reach her eyes. It looked almost like a grimace, like she was in pain. She had a slice of banana bread in front of her, but nothing else. She picked at it some, but couldn't seem to bring herself to eat it.

"Yeah." was all he could think to say as he decided to take a seat. "So..." he looked around for a moment, searching for the words.

"I asked for you to meet me because... there's something I need to tell you." she bit her lip as it quivered. Tyler just sat there fiddling with his hands, and waited for her to speak again. "Tyler, I... I really don't know how to say this." She rummaged around in her purse for a moment and withdrew a small picture. "Here." She slid it across the table to him.

Tyler picked it up cautiously, not knowing what to think. He flipped it over, and his brow furrowed. He didn't understand. The picture was mostly black, with spots of whitish blue, and a small blob toward the bottom. Then he registered that there was an arrow pointing to the blob, with a word typed.

"Baby?" he whispered in disbelief. He looked up at Jenna with wide eyes, to find that she was nodding and tears were rolling down her cheeks. He stared at the sonogram, he couldn't feel anything but shock which was freezing him to the spot. His mind had gone completely blank.

"I-I don't know what to do. I thought about, about- you know, getting rid of it-"

"No." Tyler's head snapped up. Jenna shook her head.

"No, no, I couldn't, but I j-just don't know, Tyler." He stood and walked over to her side of the table. Crouching down, he put his hands on her knees and rubbed gently.

"Hey. You know, we can figure things out, you know? It'll be okay, somehow."

"Do you... Do you still think you love Josh?" she asked in barely more than a whisper. Tyler bit his lip, and gave a small nod.

Jenna met his eyes, and they hardened. "Don't touch me." Tyler flinched and pulled his hands away like he had just touched a hot stove. "I'm sorry Tyler, but we have nothing to figure out."

Tyler stood slowly, and sank into his seat. "W-what? What do you mean?"

"Tyler. Tyler, I love you, I do. But you're a sinner. And I can't raise a baby around that kind of filth."

Tyler stepped back and stared at her with his mouth slightly open. He wanted to say something, but his voice died in his throat. 

"I... I talked to my parents about this. We prayed and looked for answers anywhere we could." She bent down and reached for her purse, and pulled out what looked like a pamphlet. She handed it to him. "This, this is a place that can help you. If you go there, they'll cure you, I know it! And then... Then we can be a family."

"Jenna, wha...?" Tyler read the front of the pamphlet, running his fingers over each letter, as if it would help him better understand what it said. "Life Blood Ministries... is this gay camp?”

"It's a program to heal you, Tyler! You're sick, and they can help you! When you're healed, we can raise this baby together, the right way." She had a manic look about her. She really believed what she was saying. 

Tyler reeled from her words. He stumbled and sank back into the first chair his legs hit. He honestly felt like he might vomit.

“So... if I don't go?”

“Then you'll never see me or this child ever again.”

The room started to spin. After what seemed like both hours and seconds, Jenna stood, squeezed his shoulder, and said something about giving him a few days. Tyler wasn't really listening. He didn't look up at her, and he barely registered her leaving. There was too much. A million thoughts were running through his head, but his mind was numb and he couldn't concentrate on just one thing. He vaguely felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, but he continued to stare at the pamphlet in his hands. He opened it and tried to read the words inside, mostly testimonials, but all the letters jumbled together and made little sense to his brain.

 

“Tyler, what the heck?! Where have you been? Your mom called earlier asking about you, and she told me you hadn't gone over there! Where did you go?” Josh looked at Tyler with his eyes narrowed, but worry was practically stamped on his forehead. 

Tyler looked at him, eyes as wide as a lost puppy's, and mouthed wordlessly. He didn't realize he was shaking, and his legs started to give out as he was standing there.

“Ty!” Josh rushed forward to catch him before he hit the ground. He pulled Tyler close, carried him over to the tan couch in the living room and laid him down. Tyler grabbed the front of Josh's shirt and refused to let go, even as Josh tried to pull away to sit in the matching tan chair opposite him. Instead, he settled for kneeling on the black and white rug in front of the couch.

“Baby.” Was the only word that came out of Tyler's mouth as he lay there. Josh tilted his head, confused. Maybe it was his attempt at some sort of endearment? But that didn't make sense. He had the sense that he shouldn't push, though, so he just stayed there while Tyler clung to him and didn't say anything.

Not knowing what to do, Josh pulled Tyler's head against his chest, to which Tyler responded by wrapping his arms around Josh's shoulders and gripping his back as if he was the only thing keeping him anchored to the earth. After what seemed like hours of being in that position, the shock finally started to wear off and Tyler loosened his hold. Josh pulled back, and searched the brunet's eyes for answers. 

“Hey, uh,” Josh started, searching for some way to ease whatever was happening inside Tyler's head, “you hungry? I'm not a great cook with anything other than breakfast, but I think I saw a frozen pizza in the freezer.”

After a moment, Tyler finally found his voice, though it came out raw, “Um. Y-yeah. That sounds nice.” Josh nodded slowly and stood, Tyler allowing his arms to drop off. The boy with the florescent red hair winked at him and made his way to the kitchen.

Tyler lay there for a few minutes until he heard Josh rustling around in the kitchen, ensuring that he wasn't going to be walking back in the room. He cautiously pulled the sonogram out of his pocket and stared at the image. In a way, it really just looked like a blob to him, but it stirred an emotional response in him. This is _his_ child. Was he willing to go to some messed up conversion therapy just to be a good father? He didn't know. He couldn't deny that he loved Josh. He studied the pamphlet. On the front was just a group of stick figures. A man and a man, a woman and a woman, and a man and woman, with the first two crossed out and the last one circled. He was interrupted by the sound of Josh's voice calling out to him, and he hurriedly stuffed both things in the corner of the couch. 

He walked into the kitchen to find Josh had taken his shirt off. The kitchen was stuffy and the vent didn't work properly, so the oven being on just made it worse. Josh had his back to Tyler, and he was reaching for to pull a glass out of the cupboard. Tyler couldn't stop himself from admiring the way the muscles in Josh's lower back and shoulders shifted and tensed in the action. 

“Hey, I know you're not a huge drinker, but I figured you could use some wine or something to help you relax a little bit.” Josh offered a smile and gestured to the bottle of Merlot next to him. Tyler and Jenna had gotten it as a wedding present, but only Jenna had drank from it, and very little. Tyler didn't really like drinking much, but tonight it seemed like a good idea. A glass or two couldn't hurt, right?

“Sure. Sounds great, thanks Jish.” Tyler tried his best to smile at his best friend, but it didn't reach his eyes and Josh could tell it was forced.

 

The next thing Tyler knew, they were sitting next to each other on the couch, pizza long finished, and the wine bottle was near empty. His face felt hot with the flush caused by the alcohol. They were watching some stupid thing on TV, and laughing at some stupid jokes, when Tyler felt Josh's hand on his knee. It was innocent, and Josh didn't seem to know where his hand was, but Tyler's heart started to race. He stared at the hand for what seemed like years, but was really only a second frozen in time. He looked up at Josh, who seemed completely oblivious, and took in his gorgeous smiling face, and the laugh that was Tyler's favorite sound.

It happened suddenly. Josh finally glanced over at Tyler and their eyes locked. Josh's laugh died in his throat and his breath caught. Tyler didn't know if it was the alcohol that was intensifying the emotions, or if it had just lowered his inhibitions enough to go for it. Either way, he wasn't complaining. They both moved in sync, and their lips were crashing against each others. It was unlike the other kisses that they'd shared. This was not a kiss of discovery, it was urgent and desperate, seeking something. Their lips parted and tongues swirled around. Every move they made was like a perfectly choreographed dance. Josh grabbed Tyler's hips in the same instance that Tyler swung his leg around to the other side of Josh's lap, straddling the still shirtless man. 

Not breaking the kiss, Tyler let his shaking hands travel over the other man's shoulders, back and chest. He wanted to memorize every muscle, every other freckle, every hair. Josh dug his fingers into Tyler's hips, holding him in place. Tyler's hands ran down Josh's chest, and definitely didn't miss the sharp intake of breath when his fingers ghosted over his nipples. His fingers stopped, and he cautiously rolled one nipple between his thumb and forefinger, causing Josh to moan into Tyler's mouth. The sound caused a shiver to course through the brunet's spine. He pulled back from the kiss, pulling the other's bottom lip between his teeth and nipping lightly. Both opened their eyes, and the look they shared was electric. 

Cupping his hands on the insides of Tyler's thighs, Josh lifted both of them off of the couch and carried the man into the bedroom. Tyler wound his fingers through Josh's hair and pulled Josh into another deep kiss as they fell back onto the bed. He pulled lightly, which elicited an almost feral growl from Josh.

He felt Josh's hands slide up his chest and his shirt being pulled off and thrown somewhere in the room. Tyler was too gone to care where it went. Josh was rolling his hips up while holding Tyler in place, the friction alone almost causing them to lose it right there. Tyler's nimble fingers were unbuttoning and pulling at Josh's pants, as he slid off the bed to pull them all the way off. He paused to admire the way that Josh's boxers were tented, but couldn't resist practically ripping those off, too. His breath caught as he admired Josh in all his glory. His whole body, he'd never seen his best friend this way before. His eyes raked up his body slowly, taking in every inch of him, memorizing this moment. Their eyes met yet again, and Tyler couldn't stop himself from lunging at Josh again, pushing him back onto the bed as he knelt over him, pressing their lips together urgently. He felt his pants being unbuttoned and pushed off, and he didn't fight it. His boxers followed suit.

Josh pushed him off for a moment, as it was his turn to admire. His hands roamed on their own, cupping the side of Tyler's face, feeling down his throat, over the curves of his shoulders, feeling his pecs, sliding down his abs, and around to his lower back. He lightly cupped his cheeks, then moved one hand to the front and tracing a finger up Tyler's length, causing a whimper to pass through the man's lips. With more confidence, Josh gripped Tyler at the base and slowly pulled up.

“Ahhhh-” the long drawn out sound came as Tyler tossed his head back and involuntarily bucked his hips forward. His head clears for just a moment, and he dips his head down and takes one of Josh's nipples in his mouth. It's Josh's turn to moan and his grip becomes tighter, almost painful, around Tyler. Tyler's grinding his hips down, and Josh thrusts up in the same moment, causing their lengths to rub. The connection sends a shock through both of them, but neither of them pause. Josh is quickly wrapping his hands around both of them, his hand barely fitting around, as Tyler thrusts mercilessly. The friction is almost too much, but the precum that is leaking from both of them serves as lubricant. 

Their moans fill the room, and they are both too far gone to even care that they're being so loud that someone walking down the street could probably hear them. All they can register is that this is the greatest sexual pleasure that either of them has received. Tyler still has one hand working circles on a nipple, and the other entangled in Josh's hair. Meanwhile Josh is still gripping the both of them, the other hand digging into Tyler's hip as they both thrust in the same rhythm.

“Ohh-hh Ty-” Josh stutters out, and he can feel the buildup in his groin, signaling that his orgasm is close. “I'm-I'm- ahh-” he's too far gone to complete the statement, but Tyler understands. He feels his orgasm approaching as well, as his grip in Josh's hair tightens and he pulls at a nipple roughly. That's what sends Josh over the edge, and his hips stutter as his vision goes fuzzy around the edges. He feels the warm, gooey liquid splash against his stomach, and he's vaguely aware of the sounds coming out of his mouth.

Tyler is not too far behind, as seeing Josh's cum is too much for him to be able to hold out. Their juices pool together and Tyler's arms give out as he collapses on top of Josh. They both breath heavily, until Tyler finds the strength to roll off and grab some tissues from the nightstand. He wordlessly hands some off to Josh and cleans himself off as well. 

After a moment, they look at each other, but no words can be found. They don't need words, but they both smile. At some point, they seem to silently agree to go to sleep, as they both crawl under the blankets. Despite being the taller one, Tyler curls himself up into Josh's side, head laying on his chest, and they drift off to sleep.

 

Josh jolts upright hours later. Tyler seems to have rolled over to his other side at some point, and Josh is glad for that because he is suddenly met with the urge to pee. He carefully rolls out of bed, trying not to disturb the other man sleeping peacefully, as he runs to the bathroom. A moment later, feeling thoroughly relieved, he registers his stomach grumbling. He stumbles sleepily toward the kitchen, passing through the living room first. 

He flips the light switch and squints into the room, when something catches his eye. What looks like some pictures poking out of the couch cushion. Curiously, he walks over and plucks them out. It takes his sleep-ridden brain a moment to register what he's looking at, and when he realizes, his breath catches.

“Baby?” He whispers to himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not great at writing smut, but I hope you liked this! Comment and let me know what you think <3


	7. Haven't You Taken Enough From Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark was casually scrolling through his phone, when suddenly he made a startled noise and nearly choked on his food.
> 
> “Dude, you okay?” Tyler asked once Mark had stopped coughing.
> 
> “Uh… Have you looked on Twitter lately?”
> 
> Tyler cocked his head to the side in confusion. He pulled out his own phone and pulled up the app. His eyes widened as he saw the tweet from the band account.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 100 Kudos?! Holy crap! I'm so excited. I love you all, thank you for reading this trash.
> 
> This chapter is kind of a filler, but also important.

The first thing he registered as he woke up was the sun piercing through his eyelids unforgivingly, as he rolled over onto his stomach. After a moment, his brain started to come to as he groped the empty space next to him.

“Josh?” Tyler lifted his head up and rubbed his blurry eyes. No one was next to him. He strained his ears and couldn’t hear anyone in the kitchen, either.

_He’s probably in the bathroom or something._

A groan escaped his lips as he stretched and felt the tingling in his joints. He rolled off of the bed and worked his way to the kitchen, still half asleep. Tyler busied himself with pouring a bowl of cereal. He saw that the bathroom door was ajar, and the light was off. No one there. As that sunk in, panic immediately formed a vice grip in his chest. Josh wasn’t anywhere in the house. The logical part of his brain knew that Josh was probably out running a quick errand or something and just didn’t think to write a note.

With that in mind, Tyler pushed the untouched cereal away from him and trudged into the bedroom to grab his phone off of the nightstand. The corners of his mouth twitched up as he looked at his lock screen fondly for a moment. It was a picture of the three of them- he was in the middle with Josh on his left and Jenna on his right. It was a picture they’d taken a few days before the wedding, and it was one of the few serious pictures they’d ever taken, no one was making a stupid face. They looked genuinely happy. Just looking at it filled Tyler with a sense of longing. He wished more than anything that he could go back to those days, when things were so much less complicated. 

With a sigh, he forced those thoughts out, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his contacts until he got to Josh. He pushed away his hesitation and pressed “call.”

One ring.

Two rings.

Three ri—

“Hey, this is Josh- Tyler, stop it, I’m trying to do something!- uh, leave a message or whatev- STOP TRYING TO TICKLE ME- leave a message, uh, okay. Stay street.”

A short beep. Tyler has a split second to decide whether he wants to hang up or leave a message.

“Um, hey Josh, it’s me. Tyler. I mean, duh, you know it’s me. Um. Yeah. Call me back. Bye.”

He cringed at how awkward that sounded. He set his phone back down with a feeling of unease. It cut off in the middle of the third ring. Was Josh ignoring him? 

_Maybe he feels weird about last night. We were both drinking a lot. No, he must be busy. I’m just being paranoid. Everything’s okay._

Just then, his phone started to light up and the sound of the vibration against his nightstand broke him out of his reverie and caused him to jump. He looked at the screen and huffed out a short breath.

“Hey Mark, what’s up?”

“Dude, I’ve been trying to call you for at least a week now. Why have you been ignoring me?”

Tyler scratched the back of his neck absent-mindedly. “It’s… it’s a long story, man. I just, you know, there’s been a lot of stuff going on. Sorry.”

He heard Mark sigh heavily on the other end. “Alright, I’m just glad you finally answered. I was starting to worry, dude.”

“Yeah… Sorry.” He wasn’t really sure what else to say at that point. He didn’t really feel like explaining everything right then, especially not over the phone.

“Well, listen, I’m really bored and hungry, you wanna go get some Chipotle or something?”

Tyler paused for a moment. He didn’t really want to leave the house, but hanging out with Mark would probably help him get his mind off of things. “Yeah, man. That sounds nice. You wanna just meet there?”

After figuring out specifics, Tyler hung up the phone. He absent-mindedly scratched at the new scars on his arm, as he stared at the phone for a moment and chewed his bottom lip, wondering if he should try to call Josh again.

_Nah, forget it. I’m sure it’s nothing, he’ll call me when he’s done doing… whatever he’s doing._

After yet another sigh, he fluffed his hair and got ready to go out. Other than his very brief meeting with Jenna, he hadn’t been out in public for weeks. He wasn’t sure if he was ready, because he was sure to be recognized, and that wasn’t something he was looking forward to. Don’t misunderstand- he loved his fans so much. Wished he could really get to know everyone on a personal level and call them true friends. But when you’ve recently tried to commit suicide, public attention just isn’t appealing.

When he got to the restaurant, Mark was already there and settled with his food. Before he could say a word, Mark called out to him _**loudly**_ \- “Tyler! Over here!” Tyler stiffened as a few people turned around to see who this guy was yelling to. A few exchanged excited glances, but luckily no one went up to him as he walked over to the table and sat down.

“Dude, I was standing, like, 15 feet away from you. You didn’t have to yell.” Tyler sighed as he tugged his hood down. No point trying to be incognito now.

Mark smiled with his mouth full of food. “I know. Just thought it would be funny to see how people reacted.” Tyler scoffed and shoved him playfully. He couldn’t help but smile, though. He’d missed Mark.

His stomach reminded him that he hadn’t eaten yet that day, and the smell of Mark’s food was making his mouth water. As he stood in line, he heard someone’s phone beep loudly behind him, followed by a sharp gasp.

“WHAT?!” came a shrill female voice, much too loud for such a small space. Tyler turned to look at her out of curiosity, to find that she was glaring directly at him. It caught him off-guard and he stumbled backward slightly. He turned back around, but he could feel her eyes burning into him. He got his food and slowly walked back to his table, carefully avoiding the glare. Mark was casually scrolling through his phone, when suddenly he made a startled noise and nearly choked on his food.

“Dude, you okay?” Tyler asked once Mark had stopped coughing.

“Uh… Have you looked on Twitter lately?”

Tyler cocked his head to the side in confusion. He pulled out his own phone and pulled up the app. His eyes widened as he saw the tweet from the band account.

**twenty one pilots**

**the journey has been sick, but due to some personal and private problems I am leaving the band. Much love, stay street- @joshuadun**

Before he had even fully processed anything, he was flipping through his phone contacts, and found the one that he wanted. Josh’s parents’ house phone.

“This is the Dun’s, and yes this is the house where the music video was filmed.” Laura, Josh’s mom, was the voice that greeted him.

“Laura, it’s Tyler. Where’s Josh?”

“Oh hey, sweet-pea. Josh is in his room… I think. He came home real late last night and I haven’t seen him since then. You wanna talk to him?”

“No. I’m coming over. Don’t tell him. Just, make sure he doesn’t leave, okay?” Tyler hung up without waiting for her answer, and looked up at Mark in disbelief. He just stared back with his jaw slack.

“Dude, you gonna tell me what the hell is going on?” Mark demanded.

Tyler sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose while he squeezed his eyes shut. “Can I give you the short version?” He peeked his eyes open to see Mark nod slowly, his brow was furrowed in complete bewilderment. 

“Uh, so… Alright, I’m just going to say this all in one go, don’t freak out. So, I’ve been in love with Josh for, like, I don’t know, the entire time I’ve known him. I finally cracked and told Jenna, who promptly freaked out entirely, so I tried to kill myself because that’s obviously the next logical step, and then Josh was staying with me to make sure I was okay and Jenna wasn’t anywhere to be found and no one could get a hold of her, so I told Josh how I felt, then we went on a date and stuff, and last night we both got drunk and maybe hooked up a little, okay, a lot, and this morning he was gone, and apparently he’s quitting the band.” The stream of words had come out in one long breath and he was nearly blue in the face by the end. Slowly, he opened his eyes to find Mark staring at him.

Tyler waited a full minute, and still Mark was staring at him in complete shock, unable to speak. Tyler waved a hand in front of his face and still, nothing. Finally, he decided to just stand up slowly and leave Mark to process the whole thing. 

“Um. So. I’m, uh, gonna go. Uh… yeah. Okay. Bye.” Tyler awkwardly exited and then quickly bolted out the door to go confront Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You should totally leave a comment. I'll give you all my internet cookies.


	8. You're the Only One Who Knows It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First off, I want to apologize for the amount of time this chapter took. I really wanted to get it just right, and I've also been dealing with some personal stuff. But really, it was mostly that I really wanted this chapter to be done right, because it's an important one. I rewrote it in my head about a thousand times before I actually sat down and typed it.  
> Second, I just want to thank everyone who has bookmarked/commented/given kudos. It means more to me that you know.

Josh hadn't slept a wink. In fact, in the hours since he'd come home to his parents', he had hardly moved at all. He was sitting on his small twin sized bed with his back against the headboard and his arms wrapped around his knees. He was coiled up so tight that he was sure he was going to be in pain when he finally did decide to stretch out his limbs. His phone lit up beside him, and he glanced down and saw that Mark was calling him. He closed his eyes and willed it to go away- he knew what this was about. Josh had been expecting it since he posted that tweet.

He wasn't really sure what had prompted him to do it. Probably a combination of delirium from lack of sleep and the cocktail of emotion coursing through him- hurt, fear, anger, and crippling all-consuming loss. It was childish, Josh knew it was. I mean, who leaves their band by posting about it online and not telling anyone in person? He wasn't feeling reasonable, though. And, for the first time in years, he really wished he had some alcohol. Anything to numb himself, really.

Tyler _knew_. He knew that Jenna was pregnant, yet he didn't say anything. What's more, they were... intimate. God, it was the best sex Josh had ever had, and it only confirmed the feelings that he was too afraid to admit to before, even though Tyler had already said it. Because of course he loved Tyler. Of course he did. How could he not? Tyler was his everything. When he would have panic attacks before shows, Tyler was there to talk him through it. Even when their manager was telling them it was time to go on, Tyler would pull Josh's focus. In those moments, he couldn't see the flashing lights or hear the crowds chanting for them, or feel his pulse beating erratically. There was only Tyler, his hands on Josh's shoulders to keep him grounded, his quiet voice breaking through the noise telling him it was okay. In those moments, they were the only two people in the world.

Yet Tyler was about to be a father, and have a family with someone else. And that, that was more than Josh could bear. Once he had woken up to his feelings, once he knew that Tyler was his moon and stars, he couldn't stand to see it all ripped away from him. So he had to leave. He didn't know what he would do. He just knew it wasn't this.

Distantly he heard someone knock on the door, and the muffled voices of greetings. He barely registered it, he didn't really care. But footsteps were getting closer to his door, and he heard his mom speaking with a hushed tone so that he wouldn't overhear her. One set of footsteps shuffled away quickly, but he could see the shadow of someone standing on the other side of the door.

“Josh?”

Tyler.

NO.

Josh couldn't find his voice, but he immediately felt the sting of tears spring to his eyes. Eyes that he had thought for sure were dried up forever from all the crying he had already done. His heart rate picked up and his grip around his knees became painful as he saw the doorknob turning. Tyler walked through the door, and the tears fell. God, he was so beautiful. His brown hair had gotten so long and fluffy on top, and Josh felt his fingers physically ache with the desire he felt to run his hands through it. Tyler closed to door quietly and held the other man's gaze for a few seconds. He observed the tears and the look of pure betrayal there.

“Josh.” his voice dripped with emotion, “Josh... what’s going on? You're, you're not really quitting the band, right? Is this a cruel joke? Did I do something wrong? I mean, I don't regret last night for a minute, but I mean if you... if you, um, weren't ready or something, I'm really, really sorry.”

“I saw the sonogram.” Josh's voice came out raw and squeaked in places from lack of use.

Tyler faltered.

“I-uh… I was going to tell you about that.”

“Tyler. We had sex. We had sex and your wife is pregnant. You knew before, and you didn’t tell me. What was that? I feel so… _used._ ” Josh put his chin on his knees and stared down at his trembling hands.

“Josh. _Josh_. I would never, ever use you. Last night was… amazing, and special, and everything I could have ever want, okay? Look, Jenna doesn’t even want me to be around the baby. Not unless I go to, like, some gay conversion therapy thing, and that’s not going to happen.” He approached the bed cautiously and Josh looked up as he felt the mattress dip under the other man’s weight. “Look, we’ll figure something out. I’m sure I can still be a good dad, I mean I can probably get some custody, right?”

Josh chewed his lip nervously and shifted his weight under him. He felt the other man’s hand on his knee, and distantly heard his mom call out to him that she and his dad were going out to dinner. He shook his head rapidly to clear his thoughts. 

“This is all too much. It’s just too much, and I won’t be a homewrecker, Tyler. I can’t have that on my conscience.”

“Hey, look at me.” Tyler scooted closer and cupped his hand under Josh’s jaw and pulled him up until their eyes met. “I’m scared, too. This is a lot, and I… I can’t lose you, Josh.” His voice cracked.

For a moment, Josh held Tyler’s gaze, and he couldn’t help but think of how great things could be with them. How great their lives could be as a couple. But how would a baby fit in to all of that? He wrenched away from Tyler and stood, pacing back and forth.

“You don’t get it! This kid needs stability, not hostility. What kind of environment is that to raise a kid in? I can’t be part of that, Tyler.” He looked down at Tyler, to see the other man looking so broken. In one fluid motion, Tyler stood up and closed the gap between them. He pushed Josh against the wall and crushed their lips together, cupping the sides of his face gently. After a moment, he broke the kiss and fell to his knees, clutching Josh’s shirt and sobbing.

“We could be so great together! We could be so-” His breath caught and his tears pooled against the fabric of the red head’s shirt.

Without thinking, Josh started to thread his fingers through Tyler’s hair. It was so, so soft. He pressed his back against the wall and his legs gave out from under him. He slid down, and pulled a sobbing Tyler into his lap, feeling a few tears escape down his own cheeks. Tyler looked up at him with huge eyes, red and puffy. His eyes searched Josh’s, looking for an answer. It seemed as if both of them were holding their breath. After a moment, Josh realized that Tyler was shivering.

“You’re freezing. Here, let me, like-“ he pulled himself up and brought Tyler with him. He led Tyler to the bed and instructed him to curl up under the blankets, while Josh sat up beside him. There was a long silence that followed, broken only by small sobs coming from the brunet.

“Look, I… I don’t know what to do here. Is there, like, a right answer?” Josh stared at his trembling hands for a moment. “I’m so conflicted. I can’t be the reason your kid grows up without a father.”

“None of this is your fault, Josh. It’s mine. I’m useless, I destroy everything I touch. I can’t blame you for not wanting to be with me.” It all came out a bit muffled as Tyler had his face turned into the pillow.

“Is that- do you really think that’s what this is? Ty. Tyler, I want to be with you. Of course I want to be with you. You’re Tyler freaking Joseph. There isn’t a human alive who wouldn’t want to be with you.” At that, Tyler couldn’t help but chuckle dryly and Josh gave him a small smile. He chewed his lip a bit as if he was trying to think of what to say next.

“But, you’re not… you’re not really leaving, are you?”

Josh let out a long and drawn out sigh. Honestly, it all felt really high school now. How immature could he be? “No. I’m… I mean, I don’t really know why I posted that tweet. I was just so overwhelmed and I acted before I really could get a handle on my emotions and stuff. I don’t think I could ever quit the band. It’s my whole life, and what’s more, I get to play music with my best friend. I couldn’t walk away even if I really wanted to.”

Tyler choked out a sob, and he felt the relief hit him like a powerful ocean wave. All at once, he was scrambling up and embracing Josh, pressing kisses to his neck and every inch of his face- until Josh grabbed his shoulders and held him firmly.

“I can’t do _this_ , though. At least not now. My head is just a mess from all of this and I need time to process, okay?” Josh could read the hurt in Tyler’s eyes, and he immediately wanted to take it back and kiss the boy breathless, but Tyler nodded. He understood, and he would wait for Josh.

There was a beat of silence between them as they each thought about what these next few months were going to bring for them. They were just about to leave to go on the Blurryface Europe tour, and they could lose themselves in their music for the next couple of months. Josh stared at his hands as he fidgeted with his fingers.

“So… what are you going to tell your parents? You should probably tell them they’re going to be grandparents soon.” 

“Honestly, I’ve been trying to avoid that whole thing. Like, I know I have to tell them eventually, but I’m… I’m honestly really scared because they still don’t know why Jenna left.” Tyler sniffed and Josh realized that the other man was crying again. “What if… what if they find out and they, like, disown me or something? I mean, they’ve never actually told me that being gay or bi or whatever I am is wrong, but I remember the church sermons. My parents never seemed to disagree with them.”

Realization struck Josh, because honestly he hadn’t thought about it before, either. What would his parents think if they knew his feelings for Tyler went beyond friendship? They honestly were never really supportive of him growing up, and he couldn’t imagine that this would be any different. He shook his head roughly.

“Don’t. Look, your parents have their beliefs and stuff, but they’ll always love you. They’re, like, some of the most supportive people I know. I think they’ll accept whatever makes you happy.” He nudged Tyler and gave him a small smile. “And I’m sorry Jenna couldn’t see it that way.”

The boys embraced one last time, and Josh inhaled Tyler’s scent deeply, as though trying to memorize it. He could feel his heart fracturing in his chest as he pulled away, and it was all he could do to keep from breaking down completely. Instead, he forced a smile on his face and offered to take Tyler home.

 

It was their first show of the Blurryface European tour, in Scotland. Josh was completely losing it. It hadn’t happened in a while, but he was having a full-blown panic attack about getting back onstage. Everything, all of his emotions, had come to a pinnacle. Everything was crazy and he hadn’t had a second to himself to just breathe and take it easy since they left home. And there he was, crumpling in on himself just to the side of the stage, holding onto his head as if that was the only thing keeping it in place. Then Tyler was there. Because of course he was. Tyler was always there when Josh needed him. His hands were on Josh’s arms and he was looking at Josh as if he was the only person in the world. His voice was clear and steady, and there was only him. Tyler’s forehead connected with Josh’s, and that was it.

Before he could even process his actions, his lips were on Tyler’s, his hands grabbing the side of Tyler’s face, and tears were leaking down his cheeks. Everything was just so much. His heart thrummed against his chest, and when he pulled away, still holding Tyler there, he looked in the other man’s chocolate eyes and he knew.

“I love you, Tyler.”


	9. It's Our Hearts That Make the Beat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on twitter if you want to give me suggestions or something!  
> @blurry_cake
> 
> I also have a tumblr, but I don't post much there anymore. (I might, though, if I get lots of asks.)  
> http://visions-of-lonely-tunes.tumblr.com/
> 
> I think this is my longest post yet, just shy of 4,000 words. Enjoy!

The gentle sound of beeping is what woke him, though he wouldn’t really call what he was doing sleeping. The heart monitor seemed to get louder as he came to a bit more, and all over again he remembered why he was in the hospital. He looked over at the sleeping figure on the bed, some part of him hoping that if he stared hard enough, he could will the other man to wake up. The man just continued to lay there, his mouth slightly open from the tube going down his throat. He looked pale, but peaceful. Like he was content to just never wake up again. The lines on his face were smoothed out, he had never looked more relaxed.

They’d been there for two weeks and there was no change. There was talk of pulling the plug, but no one could truly stomach the idea. The doctors didn’t know when he would wake up. Be it days, months, years, maybe never. He hadn’t so much as twitched a finger since he went into the coma. Which didn’t make any sense. No one could explain why he was still unconscious when he should have woken up over a week ago, when the doctors had stabilized him. Instead, he continued to lay there, with the machines pumping life into him.

 

TWO MONTHS EARLIER

 

“I love you, Tyler.”

There was a beat.

And another.

Then Tyler was pulling Josh up and rushing the both of them onstage. Josh stumbled toward his drums in a state of confusion, but played the show as usual. Maybe he hit the drums a little harder than normal, and maybe he was sweating more than normal, but he was okay. He certainly wasn’t obsessing over Tyler’s lack of response.

By the time the show was over, Josh was sure he was just overreacting. Tyler had a tendency to get a little weird before a performance, understandably. He had to get his head into the right space, and put on more of a show persona. So really, Josh had probably just caught him off guard, and they could talk more about it after they met with the fans, when they were back on the bus.

Except as soon as they were off stage, Tyler bolted. He went straight for the bus and into his bunk, mumbling something to Chris about feeling sick. So Josh was left to meet with the fans on his own. It wasn’t long before someone asked where Tyler was.

“Ah,” Josh cleared his throat, “he, ah, he doesn’t feel very good right now. He’s lying down.”

Then came a chorus of “awwww”s and well wishes toward his bandmate. Josh just chuckled and thanked them, and eventually he was able to go inside the bus. He had every intention of confronting Tyler, but the brunet seemed to be fast asleep. He sighed and let the curtains from the bunk fall out of his hand. Tomorrow. Tomorrow they would sort this all out.

This went on for about a week. Josh was sure that this was anything but accidental. They were never alone in a room together and even on nights when Tyler went out to meet the fans on his own, he wouldn’t come back until hours and hours later, when Josh had fallen asleep despite his best efforts to stay awake. When they were around other people, Tyler acted like everything was normal, and honestly Josh never wanted to punch Tyler in the face as much as he did in those moments. 

So finally, after a show one night, Josh cornered Tyler in his dressing room. The other man was busy removing his Blurryface makeup and hadn’t heard the door close. He jumped about a foot in the air when he felt Josh’s hand on his back. He whirled around, and his eyes widened as he saw who was in the room with him. He’d known this was coming, he knew that they couldn’t avoid talking about it forever. Still, Tyler backed up into the mirror behind him, trying to put as much distance between the two of them as possible. It was stupid, of course, because all Josh had to do was take one step forward, and then Tyler really wasn’t able to get away. Josh put his hands firmly on his shoulders to make sure of that.

“Tyler.” Josh started, his mouth in a hard, firm line. “What. Is. Going. On.”

Tyler felt his heart racing, and tried not to think about how close to him Josh was, how he could feel Josh’s breath on his skin, how Josh’s hands were touching him in a firm but gentle way. He stared down at Josh’s chest, refusing to meet his eyes. After a moment of silence, Josh let out a frustrated groan, and dropped his arms. He paced across the room, running his hand through his hair. He stopped and stared at Tyler, his eyes wild and tired at the same time.

The room seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, with nothing but the space between the two of them. Tyler stared at the tile on the floor, his heart beating so loud that it rang in his ears. It took him a moment to realize that Josh’s feet were stopped right in front of his, and he looked up instinctually. Instantly, he met Josh’s eyes and he couldn’t look away. The light caramel color of his eyes had darkened, and Tyler couldn’t breathe. Josh was so close that he could practically feel the electricity flowing between their bodies like a constant current and Tyler _couldn’t breathe_.

Then the only thing he could register was Josh’s lips, Josh’s lips on his, Josh’s lips wet and soft, _Josh’s lips_. His own were moving without him even realizing, and it was hard to even think with Josh pushing him into the wall. When his brain caught up, he put his hands on Josh’s firm chest and pushed. A little harder than he had intended it turned out, as Josh stumbled back, barely keeping his balance. 

“You can’t just- you can’t just _do_ that, I-I-“ Tyler sputtered. He didn’t know what words were, and his body was screaming at him in protest. He fought the urge to pull Josh back to him, and instead focused on slowing his breathing.

“What? Do _what?_ Kiss you? Tyler, you’ve been avoiding me and I want to know why. I… I told you that I l-love you.”

“That’s the problem!” Tyler shouted, surprising even himself. Josh blinked.

“Wh- _what?_ ” His brow furrowed and his eyes widened.

Tyler took a breath to calm himself, and placed a hand on the wall behind him to keep himself grounded. He counted to five before he spoke, with Josh studying his every movement.

“Josh. Before we left, you told me that we couldn’t be together. Back home, you said you couldn’t do this. And God,” Tyler sucked in a breath, “that hurt. Really hurt. Because I wanted to be with you so badly. But I accepted your reasons after a while, because, you know, I couldn’t lose you. If I could only have you as a friend, that had to be okay. And then you just…” he gestured to the air and dropped his hand against his leg. “You came out of nowhere with this whole thing, and I can’t handle it. I don’t want it.”

There was a heavy silence after that. Josh stumbled into a chair and sat down, his eyes closed tight like he was concentrating very hard. Tyler couldn’t do anything but watch him, and it was maddening. After a few minutes more of silence, Tyler started to panic. He just wanted to shout at Josh, shake his shoulders, maybe slap him, _something_ to get a response. Then, without a word, Josh stood, nodded, and walked out of the room. Tyler flinched as the door slammed.

Then, things went from uncomfortable to tense, quickly. The next week passed with the two of them only speaking when they had no other choice. Even then, it was mostly grunts and stiff gestures to communicate. Most times, Mark was there as a buffer. He knew something was going on, but he decided not to ask. Mark didn’t like to pry, especially when it came to his two best friends.

Josh was drowning. He didn’t really know where to turn or what to do. He knew that he needed to talk to Tyler, but he didn’t know how or what to say. He really had thought it would be easy- they’d never really fought before, and he thought admitting his feelings would make things better. He thought that maybe if he just kissed Tyler, they could be happy and everything would just be dandy. He really was too much of an idealist, though. He didn’t know how much he had hurt Tyler before, and he didn’t know how to fix it.

Honestly, though, more than anything, he was just angry. It was irrational, he knew, because Tyler had every right to say what he did. He knew he wasn’t being fair, but he was too stubborn to admit it. So instead, he just practiced on his drums, hitting hard enough that new blisters formed on his hands and he broke countless sets of drum sticks. It worked for a few days, but eventually it wasn’t enough to numb his feelings. Which is how he found himself in a bar for the first time in years, drinking himself stupid.

It was a dingy little dive bar somewhere in Europe, he didn’t even know where they were. The people seemed to speak English, though, so that’s something. The bar itself was somewhere he never would have set foot in a few weeks ago. It was really repulsive, the musky smell in the air seemed to be permanent. There were a few booths lining each wall, with torn up seats and numerous unidentifiable stains. Josh chose to sit at the bar, which seemed to be the cleanest spot. He shuddered to think what the bathrooms looked like, and vowed to go pee outside before he set foot in there. 

Tyler awoke with a start, confused and extremely groggy. He checked the time on his cell phone- 3:42 a.m. Why on earth was he awake? He rubbed his eyes, then heard heavy and stumbling footsteps outside of his bunk. He pulled back the curtain and blinked out into the darkness. He could only barely make out the outline of the figure that was standing there.

“Josh?”

The figure grunted in response, pushing a hand against the wall to keep from falling over. Tyler scrambled out of his bunk and grabbed Josh, fearing that the man was hurt or sick. The stench of alcohol on Josh’s breath hit him and he had to fight back a gag. 

“Are you- are you drunk?”

Josh giggled and swayed to the side. Tyler barely caught him, and the two sat on the ground by the bunks. Josh’s head lolled to the side, his mouth hung open lazily as he stared at Tyler with unfocused eyes. The moon cast a light over half of the man’s face, and Tyler could see that he was definitely drunk. Beyond drunk, even. It made him uneasy. As if remembering who it was he was looking at, Josh’s face crumpled. And then he was crying. The tears broke like a dam, and with them brought painful sobs. Tyler just stared in shock for a moment, watching as Josh curled into himself, face in his hands. 

“Josh… Josh, what-what’s wrong?” Tyler asked it so quietly that he wasn’t sure it could be heard over the sobs, until he heard the derisive laugh. Josh sniffed and wiped his face roughly with his palms.

“What’s _wrong?_ You seriously are going to ask me that?” Josh’s eyes were pure fire in the dark as they burned into Tyler’s. But his face faltered as the sadness washed over him again. “Ty, I-“ his voice broke and he was shaking again.

Without a second thought, Tyler pulled the broken man into his lap. He ran his fingers through the matted hair, stroking it softly.

“Shh, it’s okay, don’t cry…”

They stayed like that for minutes, hours, days. Neither of them really knew. Josh eventually stopped crying and steadied his breathing. The alcohol had long since worn off, but his head throbbed slightly. He focused on the beat of Tyler’s heart, his siren in the storm. Leading him… he didn’t know where. But it felt safe. Like home. He cleared his throat.

“Uh, so… I kind of got your shirt all wet. Sorry.”

Tyler chuckled. “It’s okay, J.”

Josh looked up at Tyler through his wet lashes. The man looked so calm, his face was peaceful. He had his eyes closed and looked almost like he was about to fall asleep. He felt the shift in Josh’s weight, and stilled his hand, peeking one eye open down at him.

“Hm?”

“You look like you’re about to fall asleep. C’mon. Let’s get you into bed.” 

He struggled to stand, his legs were half asleep at this point, but eventually managed to straighten and pull Tyler with him. He pulled back the blankets and helped Tyler into his bunk. As he turned to climb into his own bunk, he felt his arm being pulled back. Josh looked down in confusion, only to be met by Tyler giving him a pleading look.

“Stay.”

So he did. It wasn’t an easy fit, honestly, the bunks were really only meant for one person, but they made it work. And somehow, it was comfortable. Tyler turned on his side to face Josh, but the darkness made it so that they could really only see the dark outlines of each other. He sighed and laughed a little.

“What?” Josh asked groggily.

“I want to give you a kiss goodnight, but it’s so dark that I can’t see where your mouth is.”

Josh giggled. “Dude, you’re so dumb.”

Even so, Tyler carefully placed both hands on either side of Josh’s head, and gently caressed his cheeks with his thumbs. He heard Josh’s breathing hitch and smiled to himself. Carefully, he leaned forward and first felt their noses brush lightly. Finding his bearings, he leaned forward more and pressed their lips together. It was tender, but lingering. Neither of them seemed to want to break it, for fear that their lips may never touch again. Josh shifted his hips and leaned in closer, subtly placing a hand on Tyler’s hip.

The kiss deepened, as both parted their lips in unison to allow their tongues to tangle and explore. Then they were moving closer, pressing together, completely in sync. Tyler ran a hand down Josh’s arm, leaving goosebumps in its wake. Josh pulled back slightly and worked kisses down the other man’s jaw and neck, licking and blowing on the wetness. Tyler felt a chill run up his spine and let out and involuntary moan at the sensation. His hands were running up Josh’s shirt, tugging. Josh pulled off, and Tyler let out a whine.

“We don’t have enough room.” Josh stated.

“The bus is empty.” Tyler shot back.

Before Josh could work out what he meant, Tyler was swinging himself out of the bunk and pulling Josh along with him. Through the hallway, there was a small couch in the living room/kitchen/dining room area. Tyler pushed Josh down and quickly climbed onto his lap, grinding his ass down on Josh’s lap in the process. The action was met with a guttural moan and hands gripping his bony hips roughly. Josh mouthed at Tyler’s neck, and bit down a little too hard right below the ear. Tyler could feel the hickey already forming, but he was too far gone to care. Actually, the feeling of being marked, of being claimed _, was making him even harder._

Tyler’s hips stilled as he took a moment to run his hands over the broad, muscled chest in front of him. Josh’s chest rapidly rose and fell as he watched Tyler’s every movement. And then Tyler’s hands moved up to cup Josh’s face and their eyes met. This was different. This was so different from anything else they’d done or experienced. There was something here, an energy that didn’t exist outside of the two of them. Their eyes searched one another’s, and they were so, so gone. Their lips touched again, and the urgency returned. 

Tentatively, Tyler climbed down and knelt in front of his best friend. With trembling hands, he undid Josh’s pants, the latter pulling his hips up so that Tyler could pull both his pants and boxers down in one move. Tyler found himself very nervous. This wasn’t like last time. He wasn’t drunk because he found out his soon to be ex-wife was pregnant. This time was so real. He wrapped a hand around Josh’s already leaking cock, and the moan that followed was enough to drive him absolutely insane. He wanted absolutely nothing out of life but to hear that sound come out of Josh’s mouth. He pumped his hand faster, twisting it expertly, until Josh was lifting his hips and bucking into Tyler’s hand. 

“Shhh, Joshie, not yet. I’m not done with you yet.” Tyler purred. He held his hand tight around the base, and slowly, maintaining eye contact, lowered his head and pressed his tongue flat against the underside of Josh’s cock. He dragged it upward, flicking his tongue across the head. 

Josh was sure that he would have cum right then and there if Tyler hadn’t been gripping him so tightly. This repeated a few more times before Tyler stood, taking his shirt off and tossing it to the wayside. His pants and boxers followed, his cock standing to attention and glistening slightly. He climbed onto Josh’s lap once more, pulling the man’s hand up to his mouth and coating his fingers with saliva. 

“Tyler, what are you…?” Josh raised an eyebrow. Tyler looked him dead in the eye, his eyes practically burning with lust. 

“Joshua, I want you to fuck me.” 

Josh briefly contemplated the fact that he might have actually died from alcohol poisoning and was in fact in heaven, because in no universe could he imagine Tyler Joseph saying those words to him. His brain quickly caught up with what he was supposed to do, because, hey, he’d watched some gay porn before, though he’d never admit it to anyone. His pointer finger rubbed the outside of Tyler’s hole, while his other hand gripped his ass firmly. 

“Are you ready?” Tyler nodded and bit his bottom lip. He whimpered slightly as he felt Josh’s finger push in, more out of discomfort than pleasure. It was a strange feeling, but as Josh curled his finger and moved deeper, the better it felt. Before long, he was writhing and begging for more. 

By the time the third finger was in, he was so ready. And then, one of Josh’s fingers grazed his prostate and he nearly fell over. He pressed his palms flat against Josh’s shoulders and pushed him back against the couch, stilling the fingers inside of him. 

“I want you inside of me. Now.” With that, he pulled Josh’s hand away, spat on his hand to coat the other man’s cock, and lined himself up. 

Tyler braced one hand on Josh’s shoulder, digging his nails into the skin. Their eyes locked, as Tyler slowly lowered himself, unable to keep himself from hissing at the burn. It was overwhelming at first, but somewhere he could feel the pleasure in it. As Josh bottomed out inside of Tyler, they both let out a low groan. Tyler rested there for a moment, but soon he felt Josh swiveling his hips, a low whine escaping him. 

“Now, now, baby. You have to be patient.” Tyler cooed. 

“Yes, daddy-“ Josh’s eyes went wide, and he froze. He did _not_ mean for that to slip out. 

“Daddy?” Tyler cocked an eyebrow, a smirk spreading across his face. He slowly rocked his hips forward, making Josh’s eyes roll back into his head. “I like that.” 

Tyler ground his hips inward, nearly losing it when he felt Josh’s cock press against his prostate. He kept up the pace, lifting more and more each time. His whimpers quickly turned into loud moans as he felt his orgasm approaching. 

“Fuck, Joshie, baby, touch me, touch me. God, you feel so good baby, so _good-_ ” his words came out in a slur. 

Josh wrapped a hand around Tyler’s cock and began to pump furiously, not one to refuse a command like that. In this state, he would burn down a building if Tyler asked him to, as long as he kept riding him like he was, and digging his nails into his shoulders. 

“I’m so close, you make me feel so good, daddy-“ Hearing that, Tyler lost it completely and came all over Josh’s hand and stomach. His body tensed, from his skull to his toes, and his vision went completely white. He collapsed immediately after, so dazed that it took him a full minute to realize that Josh had also finished. 

They lay there panting for a few moments, their bodies sweaty and sticky, but neither cared at all. Well, they cared a little bit, a little voice in the back of their heads telling them that they were gross and needed to clean up, but the larger part of them just wanted to stay and bask in the afterglow. Tyler laid his head on Josh’s shoulder and softly kissed the side of his neck. Eventually, the small voice in the back of their heads won out, and they went in search of towels to clean off. 

They didn’t say anything to one another, just quietly put on clean boxers, and, as if communicating telepathically, climbed into the same bunk together. They fell asleep wrapped around each other, for once their minds were blank and they were content. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is a power bottom. Also I should never write smut. And really, really lame fluffy ending.
> 
> Who's in the coma?


	10. One Half of My Heart is Free

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey Joshie. Isn’t it beautiful?” His words could barely be heard over the sound of the water. Josh just stared at him wordlessly as he felt tears sting the back of his eyelids. After a moment, he found his voice.
> 
> “Why… what are you doing?”
> 
> “It feels good. Look at how pretty it is.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter isn't the greatest. I've been experiencing some writer's block lately. I have plenty of ideas, and I know where the story is going, but I'm having trouble stringing those things into coherent thoughts. You find out who is in the coma, though!

He really, really hates the hospital. Too many people, too much chaos, especially in the ICU. Yet, he had lived here for going on three weeks now, just waiting for the man in the hospital bed to open his eyes. It was all a blur, really, because on one hand it felt like time was blending together and they hadn’t been there that long- on the other, it felt like he couldn’t remember life before this hospital. This hospital, with the chairs that were comfortable for sitting but not for sleeping. With the food that was way too expensive to be so disgusting. With the nurses who knew him by name and barely paid attention to his presence anymore, because he was simply always there. 

He wasn’t even sure when the last time he took a shower was. Maybe three days ago? Four? He really didn’t like having to leave the room, because he knew he wanted to be the first person that the other man saw when he finally opened his beautiful eyes. Families came and went daily, sometimes it was just one family member, and sometimes they’d all crowd in the room and tell each other fond memories of the man in the bed. He hated that the most, because they were acting as if the man in the coma was already dead. He knew that they were just trying to comfort each other, so he didn’t say anything to them. He barely spoke to anyone anymore, his days lived in half-sleep mode. He just continued to stare at the lump of blankets on the hospital bed and remember everything that led up to this. He liked to torture himself that way.

 

The next morning, they were awakened by a pounding on the bus door, the familiar sound of Mark’s yelling coming from the other side. The two men groaned. They hadn’t gotten much sleep. Tyler rolled on his back and looked at the bright red haired man lying next to him. It was as if he was seeing him for the first time, and everything looked brighter. Everything seemed like it was actually going to be okay for once. Tyler smiled at that.

“What?” Josh scrunched up his nose at Tyler’s staring.

“Nothing,” he said softly as he reached a hand up to caress the side of Josh’s face, “I just forget how beautiful you are sometimes.”

Josh blushed a deep red, and opened his mouth to reply, but he was cut off by the sound of the bus door banging open.

“Guys, you have an intervi- what’s this?” Mark stormed on the bus and stopped in his tracks as he observed the two men canoodling in one bunk. He’d seen them cuddle before, sure, but this looked intimate. Suspicious. “Tyler, is that a fucking _hickey_ on your neck?!”

Tyler bit his lip nervously and subconsciously put a hand up over the bruise. He had forgotten all about that. He pulled himself up to a sitting position, looking anywhere but Mark.

“Dude. Where did you get a hickey? Jenna isn’t… Holy shit.” Realization spread across Mark’s facial features as he looked back and forth between the two men in front of him, both wearing guilty smiles. “What the- what the hell! Are you serious right now? Are you- do you have any idea- I can’t-“

“Mark, calm down, man.” Josh spoke, pulling himself up to standing in front of their friend. 

“ _Don’t tell me to calm down!_ ” Mark practically screamed it as he began pacing and gesturing wildly. “That-“ he pointed at Tyler’s neck, “that is not just a hickey, bro. That’s a damn bite mark. There is absolutely no mistaking that. Like, zero point zero percent chance, man.”  
“Mark. It’s cold outside. I can wear some hoodies and scarves and stuff, and no one will know.” Tyler spoke quietly, still sitting with his feet outside the bunk and staring at the ground. “Plus, onstage my Blurryface makeup will cover my entire neck, so it’s all good, right?” He peeked up hopefully at his friend, eyes squinted slightly.

“Just… when did this… what even-?” Mark found himself unable to form real sentences as he looked between the two incredulously. Tyler had his eyes trained on the floor, but Josh… Josh was looking at Tyler like the world began and ended with that lanky kid. Like he was just coming home for the first time in years.

The bus remained silent. Mark let out a long, low sigh. He rubbed his eyes in frustration. This was really just _fantastic_. If anyone found out, the fans were going to spontaneously combust. They already fantasized about the two together, but if they actually knew it was the truth… Mayhem.

“Look,” he started, and they both snapped their heads in his direction, “I support you guys, okay? You’re my best friends and I love both of you no matter what. Just… tell me what’s going on. You guys are keeping secrets from me, and I don’t like it. Where’s Jenna?”

Tyler bit his lip nervously, and he fidgeted with his hands. Mark deserved to know what was going on with his life, they’d been friends for practically a decade. And Mark could be trusted, he knew that. It didn’t make anything easier to say. So he told him everything, starting from the beginning, as Mark slowly sunk back into the bunk behind him. Starting from when he met Josh, when he knew that he was in love with him. Then to his confession to Jenna, her reaction, the hospital, and everything that followed. 

“Wow. That’s just… wow.” Mark bit back tears. He knew his friend had been going through some things, but he had no idea how deep it went. “Ty… Ty, I’m so-“

“Wait, there’s one more thing.” Tyler interrupted Mark, holding his hand up to silence him. “Jenna is… Well, Jenna is pregnant.”

“WHAT?!” Mark lept to his feet, nearly knocking over Josh, who had just been silently standing there and listening to his friends. He backed up next to Tyler, and reached down for his hand.

“Yeah,” the brunet squeaked out. He cleared his throat and Josh squeezed his fingers in encouragement. “Yeah, she is, and I… I don’t know what to do about it, she keeps threatening that she’ll never let me see the baby unless I go to some ‘pray away the gay’ camp thing, but I love Josh. I love him, and I want to be able to be a good father, but she just- she just-“ He choked out a sob, and immediately he felt Josh’s arms crowding him, pulling him home.

Mark stared at him with his mouth slightly open, a clearly conflicted look on his face. His eyebrows knit together as he looked at his friend crumple before him. He shook his head slowly and knelt down.

“Ty. It’s okay, man. We’ll figure it out, okay?” He gave a small smile that he hoped conveyed reassurance. He laid a hand on the man’s knee. “You’re going to be the best dad in the world, and we will figure this all out. I promise.”

 

The show that night was electric. It was the best they’d ever done, and the chemistry between them was palpable. Even the crowd seemed more alive as they shouted the lyrics to their songs. They shared a look between them, and they knew that this crowd, this venue, this _night_ was special. It was significant in a way that neither of them could really place. As they clasped each other’s shoulders for the final bow, it was all Tyler could do to stop himself from kissing Josh until they were both breathless.

The energy put into that show meant that they were both truly exhausted. Tyler decided to take one for the team and let Josh go back to the bus and rest. He trudged out to meet fans, not even bothering to wash off his makeup first. It was so cold outside, but he couldn’t bring himself to put a coat on. The cool air felt nice on his skin after a show.

The meet and greet went like any other, though Tyler had a nagging feeling that the smiles he was receiving were… off. He couldn’t really understand what it was, but he felt like they were all staring at him too. Like, more intensely than normal. He shook himself out of his reverie and just smiled along with the pictures, barely registering anything that was being said to him until he was finally able to head back to the bus and clean up. 

Josh jerked awake as he heard the door close. He sat up on the couch and rubbed the sleep from his eyes with the heel of his hand, stretching his other arm out above him as he did so. He squinted at Tyler slightly, who was smiling down at him. After a moment, his sleepy brain caught up to him and he gasped. Tyler tilted his head and furrowed his brow.

“What?”

“Dude, did you go outside like that?”

“Um…” Tyler looked down at his clothes and then back up at Josh. “Yeah. Why?”

“Dude,” Josh shook his head, “your makeup faded during the show. Like, it’s basically not even there anymore.”

Suddenly it felt like all the air had been sucked from the room as the words hit Tyler square in the chest. He ran to the tiny one-man bathroom in the back of the bus, nearly tripping on the random piles of clothes everywhere. He turned on the light and, yeah, Josh wasn’t lying. The paint was no more than a gray sheen on his skin, and the bruise on his neck stood out brilliantly. All at once, his legs gave out and all he could see was the floor getting closer and closer to him as he collapsed. He vaguely registered Josh running to his side, shouting something he couldn’t hear. 

It was plain as day. He’d taken pictures with the fans like that. They were all probably too respectful to say anything to him about it, but there was no doubt that pictures would be posted online and someone would notice. He registered Josh picking him up as if he weighed nothing, setting him up on the bathroom counter while he rested his head on Josh’s shoulder. Josh tugged at his shirt and Tyler unconsciously lifted his arms so that it could be pulled over his head. The rest of his clothes followed, and Josh cradled him against his chest. 

There was a hiss as the water in the shower turned on, Josh gauged the temperature with one hand while holding Tyler up with the other. He gently lifted Tyler and sat him down on the floor of the shower as he stepped in after, still fully clothed. He grabbed the soap and gently rubbed it over Tyler’s hands and neck, washing the paint off, before moving it to his back and chest. He rubbed shampoo into the brunet’s hair, humming a low tune as he did so. It wasn’t sexual, just a calming gesture. Tyler let his eyes slide closed as he pressed his head into Josh’s hands and allowed his scalp to be massaged. His brain still felt fuzzy, but he allowed it to go blank as he concentrated on Josh’s gentle but firm hands washing away everything he felt.

Later that night, they were curled up together in the bunk, Josh having donned some dry pajamas, and Tyler allowed himself to think about what might happen. Thinking rationally, they could probably just ignore everything that was going to be said, and people would eventually drop it like with everything else. With that in mind, he focused on Josh’s steady breathing next to him and fell into an easy sleep.

Wrong.

He awoke the next morning to Mark shaking him awake.

“Dude, go away.” Tyler attempted to turn over and press his face back into the pillow, noting that Josh wasn’t next to him anymore. Mark just shook him harder.

“Tyler, Ty, get up, something’s happened.” Tyler snapped up. 

“Where’s Josh?” His worry immediately flared up.

“He’s fine, he’s outside, and you should come see this, too.” Tyler swung his legs over the side of the bunk and stretched his arms out to the side before getting to his feet.

“I swear, if this is a prank, Mark, I’m going to kill you.” He grumbled, rubbing his eyes with the heel of his hand.

Mark didn’t say anything, just led the way off of the bus. He stepped to the curb and turned to face the side of the bus. Tyler just stared at him for a second, and spotted Josh talking to the bus driver off to the side, until Mark gestured to the bus. Then he saw it. In large, bold letters, someone had spray-painted “FAG” on the side of the bus. Someone had obviously seen the bite mark and put things together. If he went online, there were probably already theories all over social media. Josh saw him and immediately ran over.

“What the heck, Mark, I told you not to wake him!” He reached Tyler and pulled him in to his chest. Tyler was just frozen in shock, but Josh was purring and petting his hair as if he was having a breakdown. He supposed the way he would normally react would be to cry or get angry, anything other than laughing. 

That’s what he did, though. He laughed.

Everyone just stared at him, and Josh pulled back to look at him as he laughed so hard that he was wiping tears away. He didn’t miss the look Josh exchanged with Mark, like they feared for his sanity.

“You guys,” Tyler looked back and forth between them, “it’s okay. It’s totally okay. I’m okay. It’s funny, right?” He cocked an eyebrow at them, and then shook his head. He turned on his heel and went back into the bus to sleep.

“What the heck was that?” Josh asked after a few moments of silence. Mark just shrugged. When Josh got back on the bus, after talking to some crew about getting the graffiti off of their bus, he found Tyler fast asleep.

 

Later that night, after the show, Tyler went to take a hot shower to wash all of the grime off of him. They’d decided it was best not to meet fans that night, as much as they wanted to. Josh decided to take to social media, twitter mostly, to see what people were saying and what he might need to block Tyler from seeing. As he scrolled through his notifications, sure enough, they were full of people asking about Tyler’s hickey. 

Most were excited teenage girls who were excited at the thought that ‘Joshler’ (Josh chuckled to himself at the name) might actually be real. Some demanding to know what was going on with Jenna, but a few were downright nasty. Saying they were going to burn in hell. He could feel himself getting more and more enraged the more he read, so he sighed and stuffed his phone down into the couch cushions. It was then that he realized that Tyler had been in the shower for almost an hour. Probably nothing, but his anxiety wouldn’t let it go, so he went to check on him.

“Tyler?” He called and knocked softly. He could hear the water still running, but he didn’t receive a response. He knocked louder. No response. Okay, now he was actually panicking. The door was locked, so he shoved his shoulder into the door. The lock was already faulty, and the rough movement shifted it enough so that the door could be opened. For a moment, Josh just stood there, convinced he was just in a nightmare.

There was Tyler, sat on the floor of the shower, letting the water run down over his head and onto his cheeks. He didn’t look up when he saw Josh, too focused on what he was doing. He held a blade between two fingers, and ran it over the inside of his thigh. He didn’t flinch. It didn’t hurt. He let out a slow breath as he watched the blood bead up on his skin, collecting enough so that it ran down to the shower floor. He tilted his head to the side and concentrated on how it swirled down the drain. He felt detached from himself.

Josh’s legs gave out and he fell to his knees beside the shower. Tyler turned his head and looked up at the man slowly, a brilliant and crazed smile blooming on his face. 

“Hey Joshie. Isn’t it beautiful?” His words could barely be heard over the sound of the water. Josh just stared at him wordlessly as he felt tears sting the back of his eyelids. After a moment, he found his voice.

“Why… what are you doing?”

“It feels good. Look at how pretty it is.”

More staring. Josh thought for a second, or maybe hoped, that this was a weird joke that Tyler was pulling, but no. He knew the brunet wasn’t cruel, not intentionally. No, Tyler really believed what he was saying, and for that Josh was terrified. He stood and shut off the water, and he was relieved when Tyler let Josh wrap him up in a towel and carry him out of the bathroom. Tyler looked like he was on drugs. His face was totally blissed-out, and it was disturbing to say the least. He hummed softly as Josh cleaned up his cuts and put pajama pants on him. He fell into an easy sleep wrapped in a blanket with Josh next to him, but Josh didn’t sleep at all.

That night was when everything went downhill, at an alarming rate. Tyler continued to act like nothing was wrong, and Josh couldn’t let him shower by himself anymore for fear of him hurting himself. He’d walked in on the same scene again the next night, and he wasn’t taking any chances. Tyler had snapped and Josh didn’t know what to do. He felt completely helpless, and when Tyler tried to initiate sex, he just couldn’t get into it.

“Did I do something wrong?” Tyler huffed and rolled off of Josh. He’d tried to initiate sex for the fourth night in a row, and the other man couldn’t get it up for him.

“No, baby boy, no.” Josh rolled on his side to sling an arm across Tyler’s chest. “I’m just really stressed, you know, we’ve been doing so much and running ourselves ragged with all the shows and interviews…” _and you’re scaring the shit out of me with the way that you’ve been acting lately,_ he wanted to add.

 

It kept on like that for at least a few weeks, and Josh found himself staring down the end of more and more empty bottles. Mark had taken to sleeping on the bus again, per Josh’s request to help keep an eye on Tyler, but he found more and more that he was concerned for both of his friends. He didn’t know what to do about it, though, so he just made sure they were both safe. Until one night.

One night, Josh didn’t come back. Tyler wasn’t worried when he went to bed alone, this had become the new norm. But when he woke up, he was still alone. Josh wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Mark had stayed up the whole night pacing, waiting for his friend to come back. Josh’s cell phone seemed to be dead, and no one knew what bar he’d gone to.

Tyler was just about to suggest walking to the nearest bars and asking around, when his phone rang. It wasn’t a number he recognized, but he hoped that maybe Josh was borrowing someone else’s phone to call and tell Tyler he was okay.

“Hello, is this Tyler Joseph?” It was a female voice.

“Um… Yeah? Who is this?” Tyler shot Mark a glance over his shoulder. He watched with bated breath.

“My name is Sarah, I’m calling from St. Vincent’s Hospital about your… friend, Joshua Dun? He’s been in an accident.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. Hugs?


	11. The Other Half of My Heart's Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh knew somewhere in his mind that he wasn’t sleeping. This was different than sleep. He didn’t dream. Like sleep, though, he had no idea how long he’d been wherever he was. One moment it felt like hours, and another it felt like mere seconds. All he knew was that he wanted to stay here, in this peaceful limbo, for as long as he could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit, over 200 kudos! That's crazy, thank you all so much. I thought I would be lucky to get 50.  
> I'm sorry it took so long to update. Life has been crazy for me lately, and I've recently been trying to get back on my meds. Depression is a bitch, y'all.

It was so fricking cold outside. Josh huddled in on himself, mentally berating himself for not at least grabbing a hoodie. He’d spent a long time in that bar, but his buzz wore off long ago. He walked down the sidewalk, trying desperately to remember where the bus was parked. It was late. Or early, however you want to look at it. His phone was dead and he didn’t have any way to tell what time it was. He knew he shouldn’t have stayed out so late, Mark was definitely going to let him have it when he finally got in.

Distracting himself from the cold, his thoughts wandered to Tyler. Of course. He couldn’t help feeling that something was really wrong, and it scared the crap out of him. And of course he had no idea what to do or how to deal with it, so he did what he did best. He ran away. Josh didn’t like confronting his demons, they stayed at the back of his mind. Locked away, and only growing stronger.

He was so lost in his thoughts and trying to remember which direction he’d come from that he didn’t hear the screech of the brakes and the peeling out of the wheels until it was too late. Someone was leaving the bar. Someone, soon to become no one, who shouldn’t have been driving. Pain. Pain was everywhere and the only truth he’d ever known. There was darkness and flashes of imagery, and he felt like he was floating. 

Lights. Dark. Yelling. Screaming. Dark. Pain. Scrambling. Running.

Dark.

There was no concept of time in the dark. There was nothing. Josh didn’t feel like he was in his body anymore, but instead felt as if he was floating in water. There were invisible waves with dry water rocking him slowly and softly. Every now and then, there would be dull noises that would permeate, and they sounded vaguely like voices that were very far off. Sometimes it was just one, sometimes it was many. He couldn’t make anything or anyone out. There was a repetitive noise that sounded vaguely like beeping. 

He didn’t have thoughts, but only felt one emotion- peace. He felt so calm. Josh knew somewhere in his mind that he wasn’t sleeping. This was different than sleep. He didn’t dream. Like sleep, though, he had no idea how long he’d been wherever he was. One moment it felt like hours, and another it felt like mere seconds. All he knew was that he wanted to stay here, in this peaceful limbo, for as long as he could.

Then, something broke through. He registered that someone was crying. No, not crying. _Sobbing._ For the first time, he felt the need to hear whoever it was. He felt himself pulling out of his oasis, but he hesitated. He wanted to help whoever it was, but he was so content where he was.

“Josh.”

Strange. Why was this person saying his name? It sounded warped, and he strained to figure out who the voice belonged to. It sounded like someone was talking to him underwater.

“Josh, please.”

That voice. It was so familiar. 

“Please, wake up.”

 _Tyler._

It was the first coherent thought he had. And he felt a sudden, desperate urge to find him. Yet, he was so confused. Where was he? Why was Tyler so upset? He suddenly didn’t feel at peace at all. He felt like he was drowning. His lungs were on fire, and he was struggling to swim. His limbs were numb and he didn’t know if he was moving at all, but he felt like he was being pulled apart. He had to get to the surface. He had to get to Tyler.

 

Doctors were rushing in and Tyler jumped back as he watched Josh flail violently on the hospital bed. There was yelling, but no one would tell him what the heck was going on. The doctors flipped Josh on his side and held him in place through his seizure. After his spasms stopped, they checked his vitals and found that everything was back to normal. When pressed for information, the doctors simply shrugged and told Tyler that this happens sometimes. They held off on getting a CT scan and opted to just closely monitor him in case it happened again.

Tyler couldn’t keep still. He paced around the bed. This was the first sign of life that Josh had shown and, though the seizure was scary beyond all reason, he couldn’t help but feel that this was a sign that Josh was trying to wake up. He stopped and gripped his best friend’s hand tight.

“Josh,” he whispered, “can you feel this? Come back to me, Joshie.”

 

Josh was once again floating, but now he was thinking. He had to get to Tyler. He had to fight. He could hear Tyler talking, his voice still warped but somehow cutting through. There was something else, now. He could feel parts of his body, heavy as lead. He willed himself to move something, anything. But he was so tired. His body ached and his muscles were heavy. He felt his lucidity slipping once again, though he tried to stay present. 

 

Tyler stayed by Josh’s bedside, never letting go of his hand. Every now and then, he would squeeze, and he would pray that the other man could feel it. He didn’t allow himself to fall asleep. He wanted to be the first person Josh saw when he woke up. He hated coffee, but the hospital didn’t have redbull, so it would have to do. The nurses took pity on him and brought it to him periodically. He lost track of time, but soon there was sunlight peeking through the windows and he knew he’d been sitting there for at least ten hours.

Despite all the caffeine in his system, he could feel himself crashing. His eyelids kept drifting closed and he’d sit up with a start. He was swaying in his seat and he knew he couldn’t hold on for much longer. In an attempt to keep himself alert, he squeezed Josh’s hand again as hard as he could despite the fatigue that was seeping into his muscles. A moment later, he felt the hand weakly close its fingers around his hand, and he was wide awake. He jumped from his chair, and leaned over Josh.

“Josh?”

Josh’s eyes fluttered. They opened.

“Tyler…?” His voice came out rough and sounding as though he’d swallowed a heap of salt. But it was there.

His eyes became slowly unfocused and slipped closed again.

The darkness returned for Josh. He knew he wasn’t alone. There was someone or something else with him, he could feel its presence. Instead of him being alone in an endless void, it was as if he was standing in a room that was pitch black and he could feel whatever was in the room moving closer to him. And suddenly, he saw Tyler. His smile was too wide, and his eyes were bloodshot. His hands were covered in dirt, mixing with the blood that was trailing down his arm. He didn’t say anything at first, just stared. Then, he slowly lifted his arms and his eyes widened as they bore into Josh’s.

“Hey Joshie. Isn’t it _beautiful?_ ” His head tilted to the side and his eyes twitched. 

 

Josh was seizing again. The second time in 24 hours. This one lasted longer. How long, Tyler wasn’t really sure because time meant nothing to him in that moment. The first seizure only lasted 30 seconds. This one, though it felt like hours and seconds all at once, lasted two minutes. Tyler stood, and let himself be pushed aside as the nurses rushed to roll Josh’s body onto his side. He watched as Josh vomited over the side of the bed, as his eyes rolled back, as his legs kicked involuntarily. In that two minutes, he felt himself break apart. 

Before the two minutes were over, Tyler found himself fleeing down the hallway. He didn’t even know what time it was, and he couldn’t process anything other than the need to be somewhere else, _anywhere_ else. Somehow, he ended up in the elevator with no idea how he got there. He sat in the corner, with his head down and arms wrapped around his knees. He couldn’t get the image out of his mind. 

He wasn’t sure how long he was sat there, but he figured it must be daytime because the hospital seemed fairly busy. No one bothered him, but he heard a few people whisper to their friends and coworkers about how weird or creepy it was that he was just sitting there. At one point, he almost drifted off. He wasn’t comfortable in the slightest, but he hadn’t slept all night. Just as he was about to, a voice broke through his haze.

“Tyler?” It was a voice he’d know anywhere.

Breathing slowly, he lifted his head up, and sure enough, there she was. Jenna was looking at him with mild concern, her hand paused over the elevator door to prevent it from closing. She looked somewhat frightened, like maybe she should turn around and leave.

“Hey, uh… are you okay?” She took a hesitant step toward him, and the doors closed. “I heard what happened to Josh, I… I’m sorry.” She chewed her bottom lip, she wasn’t really sure what else to say. She waited for him to speak, but he was just staring at her with wide eyes, like he wasn’t sure she was real.

It took him a moment to figure it out, but at first he couldn’t figure out what was different about her. Her skin seemed to have a certain glimmer to it, and her cheeks were flushed. Her face was a little rounder. Then, his eyes wandered down and he remembered. Jenna’s belly stuck out from her hips. She was so thin that, although it was not that big, it was immediately noticeable that she was pregnant. She caught where his eyes were and adjusted her stretchy shirt subconsciously.

“Yeah, uh… so I’m here for an ultrasound. I know I should have told you, but I just…” she shifted her feet nervously, “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to know.”

Tyler’s brain caught up to him quickly and his head snapped up to look at Jenna’s face. 

“Why wouldn’t I want to know?” His voice was soft, but his face was perplexed. This was _their_ baby, after all.

“You haven’t exactly, um, been in touch.”

He shifted guiltily. It was true, he hadn’t contacted her at all since they went back on tour. He looked down at his fingernails.

“I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to say.”

Her face twitched with a sympathetic smile. She turned toward the number panel and punched the number for her floor. She turned back to him, tucking her hair behind her ear and fidgeting nervously.

“Do you… do you want to come with?” She raised her eyebrows and bit her lip. “Maybe?”

Bracing his hand against the wall, Tyler stood just as the door opened to the floor with the OB/GYN offices.

“Of course.”

It was awkward. Neither of them really made eye contact as the doctor first did a physical exam, which included lifting up the awful hospital gown to measure Jenna’s uterus, and they only spoke when the doctor asked questions. After some time, the doctor informed them that the ultrasound tech would be in shortly with the sonogram equipment to do an anatomy scan.

“Just to make sure that your baby is developing fully, and of course you get to find out the gender today!” The doctor left with a snap of the door.

“Hey,” Tyler started as a realization dawned on him, “how far along are you? I… I realized I don’t actually know.”

“I’ll be 20 weeks tomorrow. About halfway done.” Jenna gave a nervous chuckle, and an uncomfortable silence settled over them as they waited.

About 20 minutes later, a young woman entered the room with some electronic equipment. 

“Hey!” She smiled at them cheerfully. “You ready to see your baby?”

Tyler was overcome with a fit of anxiety. This was going to be the first time he would be seeing his baby in real time. _His_ baby. This baby that he was going to be a father to. He watched in a daze as the tech squirted some goo on Jenna’s bare belly. They both laughed at how unpleasantly cold it was. He kept his eye on the wand that was pressed to her skin, as the tech wiggled it around. He couldn’t look at the screen. He could hear the woman saying something, but it all went over his head. Tyler continued to stare at the wand. It wasn’t until he felt Jenna’s hand on his that he snapped out of it.

“Look,” she whispered softly. Her eyes were sparkling. “It’s our baby!”

It was. It looked a little like an alien, but there was no denying that it was a baby. Tyler watched in awe as the little one squirmed about in an attempt to get away from the wand. The baby even kicked it, and Tyler couldn’t help the breathless laugh that came out of his mouth. Then, he heard it, as the tech turned on the sound to record it.

The heartbeat. His baby’s heart, beating. 

The tech looked over at them and smiled. “Do you want to know the sex?”

Jenna agreed emphatically, while Tyler could only nod and wipe away the tears slowly tracking down his cheeks.

“It’s a baby girl.”


	12. (Don't) Leave Me Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They talked about it a lot.” She said after a moment. “Your… sexuality, I guess. They made it sound like it was the worst thing a person could be. They said things like, ‘thank goodness all of our kids are _normal_ ,’ and they kept hinting that they would disown you if you were their child, and I just-“ her voice cracked, and for the first time, Tyler realized she was crying. “I can’t imagine treating my baby that way. I will love her no matter what.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it Christmas? Your birthday? I don't know, but here's another shitty chapter. It's super long, and it's a fucking mess.
> 
> Also, if you haven't seen the trailer for Truth Slash Fiction, DO THAT NOW.  
> It's a TV series about a girl who writes erotic fanfics about her favorite band. The pilot is going to be shown at a festival in hopes of getting picked up and I would sell my left tit to see it.  
> https://youtu.be/ozl6PRA5zlM

The next time Josh woke up, he was severely confused. Firstly, he wasn’t entirely sure where he was. Second, he was positive Tyler would be with him somewhere. As he surveyed the room, he figured out it was obviously a hospital room, and his head was killing him. The beeping sound was finally identified as the heart monitor on his left. The walls were white, with a few generic nature paintings hung here and there. Probably just in place to make the room less depressing. There was one chair to his right, that had some blankets piled up on it, and he vaguely remembered seeing Tyler sitting there from when he had regained consciousness for a few seconds. But Tyler was nowhere to be found.

A nurse walked in, and she stared down at her clipboard. She turned to the side and started writing some notes on the whiteboard by the door, some medical jargon that he didn’t understand, and then adding what Josh presumed to be her name. Amy. She was fairly pretty, but not really in a conventional way. Her hair was short and black, with one side was longer than the other. She had gauges in her ears, but she wore flesh-colored plugs to make them less noticeable, and she wore bright pink scrubs that fit snugly on her heavy set body. Completely oblivious to her surroundings, she studied her clipboard for a few moments while being studied herself. Josh wondered briefly how long it would take her to notice that he was watching her.

“Oh!” Her hand flew to her chest as she turned around and finally looked up. “You’re awake! Holy crap, you’re awake!”

Josh snorted a laugh at that, and cleared his throat. He said the first thing that came to his mind.

“Where’s Tyler?” Of course.

“Oh, uh…” Nurse Amy looked around the room as if Tyler was just hiding under the bed or something. Her face screwed up in concentration. “Hm. I haven’t actually seen him in the last hour or so. Let me go see if-“

The nurse was quickly cut off as Josh’s mom walked in the room. She promptly dropped her coffee on the floor and squealed as she ran to fling herself on the bed.

“You’re _awake!_ ” She cried, the sound muffled as her face was buried in her son’s shoulder.

“Yeah, mama, I’m awake.” Josh replied quietly, and he wrapped his arms around her. Her presence put him at ease. He could feel her shaking on top of him as she sobbed into his shoulder.

“Joshua William Dun, don’t you ever do that to me again, you hear me? I was so scared, baby, so scared that you-“ she choked on the rest of her sentence and the sobs took over. 

“I know, mama. I missed you, too.”

 

The ultrasound tech finished up and wiped the cold goo off of Jenna’s stomach. She printed off some pictures, some of the baby’s profile, some of the feet, and of course, the one detailing that she was, in fact, a girl. Tyler was about to ask for a second copy of each picture, when Jenna cut him off.

“No, no, it’s… it’s okay.” She gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand. “You can look at these whenever you want.”

Tyler looked at her incredulously. He didn’t know what to say, so he just squeezed her hand back. They left the small office after Jenna set up another appointment for the next month. On the way down the elevator, neither said anything, but it wasn’t awkward like before. The air between them had settled, and Tyler just stared at the sonogram pictures with a goofy smile on his face. He was so out of it that he didn’t even notice when they’d stepped out of the elevator until Jenna waved a hand in front of his face.

“Yoo-hoo! Earth to Tyler!” She smiled once she realized she’d caught his attention. “Which room is Josh in? That’s where you’re going, right?”

In that second, all the fear and panic came flooding back to him. Flashes of Josh thrashing on the hospital bed, of him seizing so hard he threw up over the side of the bed, attacked his psyche until it was all he could see and feel and _remember_. And it was all his fault. He was the reason why Josh was here. Because Tyler had snapped and Josh couldn’t fix him, didn’t know how to fix him. So Josh went out by himself and almost died. Because of him. He steadied his breath and looked toward Josh’s room. He could see Josh’s mom in there chatting to the nurse happily. Josh wouldn’t be alone if or when he ever woke up. He turned to Jenna, who was looking at him expectantly.

“No, it’s okay. Let’s go home.” He sighed and turned back to the elevator. Jenna stood frozen.

“Home?”

Tyler gave her a small smile.

“Yeah. Home.”

 

TWO MONTHS LATER

“It’s official! I’m 28 weeks today. I’m in my third trimester!” Jenna bounced excitedly on the bed, shaking a groggy Tyler awake. He groaned.

“How do you have so much energy? Aren’t pregnant people supposed to be tired and cranky all the time?” He grumbled, though half of his question was unintelligible, as he had his face pressed into the pillow. Jenna giggled at him and pushed him playfully.

“What? I can’t hear you. Now, get up, I made breakfast!” She slid carefully off of the bed and waddled out of the room. Tyler looked after her and smiled softly. He slowly slid off the bed and stretched as he walked into the kitchen. The smell of bacon drew him in and his mouth watered. He knew Jenna wouldn’t be eating it, though, as she was on this weird healthy food, all-natural diet “for the baby.” As the kitchen came into view, he could see Jenna shuffling around and setting plates at the breakfast bar.

Her tummy had grown quite a bit, and it made things a lot more hilarious around the house since she kept running into things and knocking things off the counters and tables. Then, when she knocked said things down, she had to squat to pick them up. Tyler would try not to laugh at her as he offered her help, but Jenna was stubborn and would insist on picking whatever it was up herself. Once, she dropped her keys, and Tyler doubled over in laughter as he watched her sit on the floor and lay on her side to pick them up. Then, of course, she needed help standing.

Recently, she’d gotten on this kick of researching anything and everything about birth. She cancelled her appointments with her OB/GYN and looked up a local midwife who specialized in something called hypno-birthing. Hypno-birthing is a practice where women focus on something other than the fear of childbirth and pain, in an attempt to not actually feel the pain as they delivered. She was planning to deliver at home in the tub. Tyler rolled his eyes at everything, but he kept his mouth shut. After all, it wasn’t him that would be pushing a watermelon sized object out of his body.

They ate breakfast mostly in silence, with some small talk here and there. Jenna chewed on her lip nervously and Tyler could tell she wanted to tell him something. He waited a few more minutes for her to say something, and when she didn’t, he set his fork down on his plate and looked her in the eye.

“Hey. What’s up? You seem nervous about something.” His brow furrowed. “You’ve barely touched your food, and these days you’re basically a human garbage disposal.”

She rolled her eyes at him. “Oh, _ha-ha._ ” She retorted sarcastically.

“Really, though,” he smiled at her encouragingly, “what’s on your mind?”

Taking a deep breath, Jenna chewed her lip and looked down at her food. “Well, it’s just… I think… I think we should go see Josh today.” She finished and chanced a look up at him. He looked as though she had just threatened to set his piano on fire.

“I, what? Why-what-where is this coming from?” Tyler sputtered. Jenna picked at her food absentmindedly and avoided his eyes.

“I just… think it’s time.” She blew out a breath, causing her bangs to flutter slightly. “He’s been out of the hospital for over a week now.”

Tyler shook his head violently, as it all came back to him. The panic, the fear, the guilt, it was rising in his throat like bile, threatening to spill over. Jenna put her hand on his arm in an attempt to calm him.

“Hey. Hey, it’s okay. What’s wrong? Why don’t you want to see him?” She pleaded with him. “Talk to me, Ty.”

“I just don’t. I can’t.” His voice cracked and she nodded, dropping her arm to the table.

“Okay.”

 

Two months. Two whole months and not a word from Tyler. Josh stared at the ceiling of his old bedroom in the early morning. Almost three months since they’d postponed the tour indefinitely after Josh’s accident. Two months and the most contact he’d had with Tyler was through Mark, who somehow became the middle man between the two of them. It was always band stuff, and never anything personal. He sighed and rolled to his side, preparing to get out of bed. His muscles were still sore from disuse, but he’d insisted to his mom that he could walk on his own, and no, he did _not_ need to call her every time he wanted to stand up. His legs still _worked_ , they were just a little… dysfunctional.

He got himself breakfast, under the ever watchful eye of his mother. She meant well, she really did, but it had been barely over a week since he’d been home and she was with him every waking moment of the day. At least at the hospital, she’d go home most nights. She needed her beauty sleep, you know. Plus, sleeping in that stiff hospital chair always made her cranky. 

The morning went by slowly, and Josh was bored because his mom didn’t allow him to do anything that would require standing for long periods of time or put any strain on his muscles. He knew better than to argue with Mama Dun. Sometime in the early afternoon, the doorbell rang. Josh made to get up, but was stilled by the glare that his mom gave him as she got up herself and got the door. A moment later, she heard a delighted squeal, and he couldn’t help the way his heart nearly stopped in his chest. It wasn’t who he wanted it to be, he knew, but he hoped.

He pushed himself off of the couch slowly, knowing full well that his mom would scold him when he walked in. As he rounded the corner, his stomach dropped. Jenna was standing in their doorway, preceded by her belly. Josh hadn’t seen her in person, just seen the pictures she’d posted online, and it was too much for him. He stumbled, which caused his mom to whip her head around and run to his side to catch him. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Jenna, and she smiled at him timidly.

“Hey,” Jenna spoke softly, “how are you feeling?”

Josh shook his head and turned around. He let his mom guide him back to the couch. She turned her back to him and focused on Jenna, who had followed behind them and was carefully lowering herself onto the chair to the right of the couch.

“Can I get you anything, dear?” Laura smiled at her.

“Water would be wonderful, thank you.” Laura nodded and strode out of the room. Jenna leaned back on the chair and rested a hand on top of her belly. Neither her or Josh said anything, and a few moments later, Laura came back in with a glass of water and a tray of cookies.

“I’ll leave you kiddos to talk. You holler if you need anything.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the room, but Josh knew her better than that. He knew she’d be listening in from the other room, because eavesdropping was Laura Dun’s favorite pastime.

“What are you doing here?” Josh blurted out.

“Uh, I… I just wanted to see how you are. I know a lot’s happened, but…” Jenna hesitated and looked up at him. She took a deep breath and, with some effort, leaned forward to put a hand on his knee. “I care about you, Josh. You were always like a brother to me.”

Josh stared at her hand for a moment, and he couldn’t help the rush of affection he felt toward her.

“You’re like a sister to me, Jen.” He paused for a moment, and then- “Where’s Tyler?”

The air became perceptively thicker as Jenna slowly reclined back, withdrawing her hand. She sighed loudly and fiddled with the hem of her shirt as she looked down at the dark fabric.

“He… He doesn’t know I’m here.”

“Because he doesn’t want to see me.” It wasn’t a question. She nodded, then met his eyes.

“Josh, what… what happened? When I was gone? Did you two…?”

It was Josh’s turn to look away. He could feel tears stinging his eyes as they threatened to spill. After a moment, he nodded.

“It’s just, you know, I don’t understand, after everything that happened, I don’t know what I did wrong, why won’t he _talk_ to me? He’s my best friend, and I- I-“ He broke off into small sobs. Jenna struggled to her feet and sat on the couch next to him. She pulled his head under her chin and ran a hand through his hair while he sobbed. The pain wracked through him, the tears he’d refused to cry for two months came spilling out. Also spilled out was their story. Everything that had happened, everything that he’d kept bottled up inside, afraid to tell anyone else, not even Mark.

After he finished talking, Jenna just sat there in a stunned silence, still holding her trembling friend. His sobs quieted down, and she finally voiced what she’d been thinking the whole time.

“He tried to kill himself?” She whispered.

Nodding slowly, Josh picked up his head and looked at her. He sat up straight and wiped his tears with his fingers. 

“I’m sorry he didn’t tell you.” Was all he could think to say.

She nodded as she stared off in a daze. The man she loved, the man she’d married, had tried to kill himself after she’d left. She couldn’t wrap her head around it. It was because of the things that she’d said to him, how disgusting she made him feel. Suddenly Jenna felt like vomiting, and it wasn’t a symptom of pregnancy. Vaguely, she felt Josh pull her into a hug, an awkward side hug with one of his arms resting on top of her belly. 

“Woah!” Josh jumped slightly and chuckled a bit. Jenna snapped out of her daze. “Was that...?”

“Yeah, looks like the baby wanted to say ‘hello.’ That, or ‘go away!’” She chuckled. She was fairly used to baby kicks now, they happened so often that she barely even registered it anymore.

“Jenna,” Josh chuckled and smiled his first genuine smile in weeks, “Jenna, that’s amazing! I can’t believe it, you have an actual little baby in there!”

Jenna rolled her eyes at him, but smiled warmly back. The rest of the visit passed, and they were joined by the rest of the Dun clan. After receiving more parental advice than she could ever want or need, Jenna decided it was time to leave, and gave into a round of hugs from everyone before she left. As the door closed, Josh’s mom pulled him aside, out of earshot from the others.

“What’s up, mama?” Laura studied her son’s face for a moment, before pulling him into a strong hug.

“Joshua, I will always love and accept you no matter what.” She said as she pulled back. “No matter whom you love.”

With that, she left Josh standing there in the dark hallway, wondering what the heck she was talking about.

 

It was a shirt. Just a stupid, stupid shirt. Here, he’d thought he’d shipped all of Josh’s clothes back to his parents’ house, but here it was. That ridiculous “DAD” shirt that Josh used to wear all the time. It showed up in the hamper after two months, and it was taunting him. A fit of rage overtook Tyler, and he kicked over the hamper. And yet, the shirt was still there, in its neon, tie-dyed glory. 

He screamed in anger and grabbed the hamper. He threw it against the wall of the bedroom as hard as he could, and fitfully tore through the clothes on the ground, flinging them in every direction. The shirt, the stupid, weird, amazing shirt, ended up in his hands and he stilled. The fabric was softer than he remembered. He held it up to his nose and tentatively sniffed. Oh _God._ All these months, and it still smelled like him. His knees hit the floor before he could register falling. 

The shirt was clutched to his chest, when he heard a small cough from the doorway. Tyler froze as he slowly turned to the side and saw Jenna standing there. She looked apprehensive as she chewed her bottom lip. She entered the room slowly and offered him a hand up. He took it, and she held his face in her hands as she wiped the tears he didn’t realize he’d shed with the pad of her thumb. 

“Oh, Tyler…” she whispered. “I’m so sorry for everything.”

“What-“ his voice cracked as he tried to speak, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “What do you mean?”

Jenna looked down at for a moment, and then pulled them to sit on the bed. She rubbed her belly absentmindedly, and took a deep breath.

“Do you know why I left my parents’ house?” Her brow furrowed.

Tyler slowly shook his head. She nodded a few times and placed a hand on his knee.

“I told you, I talked to my parents about everything, and… well, I thought that they were right. I really did, I thought that having homosexual…” she held her breath as she searched for the right word. “ _tendencies_ … was wrong. But then… Then that day at the hospital, I saw our baby girl, and it was all real. Like, knowing it was a girl made her like a real baby in my mind. And I just…” she gestured to the empty air in front of her. “I couldn’t imagine loving her any less for any reason in the world. And love, _love_ is beautiful. I love this baby more than I ever thought I could love anything and I haven’t even met her yet.”

As he traced the patterns of the ‘DAD’ shirt with his index finger, Tyler looked down at the bed and tilted his head in confusion.

“But I don’t understand. Why did that make you leave your parents?”

Jenna scooted further down the bed and lay on her side. Tyler followed suit and lie facing her, not touching, and still holding the stupid shirt in his hands. She didn’t say anything for a few moments, and they let the silence settle in comfortably. Tyler found himself suddenly exhausted, and the bed was very inviting.

“They talked about it a lot.” She said after a moment. “Your… sexuality, I guess. They made it sound like it was the worst thing a person could be. They said things like, ‘thank goodness all of our kids are _normal_ ,’ and they kept hinting that they would disown you if you were their child, and I just-“ her voice cracked, and for the first time, Tyler realized she was crying. “I can’t imagine treating my baby that way. I will love her no matter what.”

There was a heavy, stunned silence as Tyler took in Jenna’s words. He didn’t know how to respond. He was a rush of emotions- sad, angry, confused- but most of all, he felt a rush of affection toward his wife that he’d never felt before. He reached his hand out and laid it on top of hers, stroking it gently.

“I went to see Josh today.” Another bombshell. Immediately, Tyler’s shoulders tensed and his expression turned blank. “He… he told me what happened.”

Silence.

“Ty, I…”

“It-it’s okay, you don’t have to-“

“I’m so sorry.” She cut him off in a whisper. “I’m so sorry you ever felt that way. And I’m so sorry I was the cause. I love you no matter what, and if…” Jenna closed her eyes and clenched her jaw to collect herself. She took a deep breath and continued, “if you want to be with Josh, I support you. I just want you to be happy.”

That was when Tyler shut down completely. He shook his head vigorously and insisted that he didn’t want to go back.

“I hurt him, Jen. I _did that_ to him. He almost died.” Jenna smiled at him sadly.

“Baby, you’re getting so much better. That’s why you go to therapy and take medication. What happened to him wasn’t your fault. I know you miss him.” She gestured to the shirt.

“What?” He looked down and realized for the first time that he still had it balled up in his hands. “No, this doesn’t mean anything.”

“Tyl-“

“No!” He jumped off of the bed. “Look, I’ll show you!” He made a show of throwing the shirt in the garbage can.

Later that night, as Jenna woke up for the millionth time to waddle to the bathroom, she saw Tyler digging through the trash and pulling the shirt up to his chest, clinging to it like it was the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth.

Over the next two months, it continued to get worse for both men. Josh stayed in bed most days, and when he wasn’t, he played video games. He barely touched his drum sticks anymore. Laura called Jenna almost daily to express her concern, and Jenna visited whenever she could, though getting around was getting more and more difficult. Tyler still had that damn shirt, though he insisted he’d gotten rid of it. Jenna knew better, but she let him be.

 

“Nnngghhhh.” The inhuman groan came from Josh as he rolled over in bed. His phone was ringing at 8 am and he was going to kill whoever it was. He pressed the ‘talk’ button without reading he name. “What?”

“Good morning to you, too.” Josh huffed.

“Mark. What do you want?” He rubbed his eyes and attempted to sit up. “You better have a really good reason for waking me up. I don’t even want to be _alive_ right now.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever princess.” Mark chuckled. “Listen, there’s something going on with the band that I need to talk to you about. Meet me at the Shari’s downtown in an hour?”

“I hate you.” Josh sighed and ran a hand through his tangled curls. “Fine. But I refuse to be cheerful.”

 

“What is this?” Tyler looked at Jenna accusingly. She smiled coyly at him and raised an eyebrow. He’d been under the impression that they were going to get some crappy diner breakfast, and there they were standing in front of the one and only, Josh Dun.

“You two,” she pointed between the two of them, “are going to sort out your issues.”

“Yeah.” Mark appeared seemingly out of nowhere. “I’m tired of being the messenger. No more. Deal with each other. Like the big boys I know you are.

 

There was a lot of yelling. Mark and Jenna could hear it as they sat in the car outside of the restaurant. They saw the two men through the front window of the restaurant and watched as a manager came up to the table to warn them that they’d have to leave if they didn’t calm down. Mark chuckled and shook his head.

“I think this is their first fight… _ever._ ” Jenna wore a bemused expression.

“True. Even when they were, uh, ‘just friends,’ they never fought. They must have a lot to work out.” She hissed in pain as the baby landed a particularly painful kick- right in the ribs. “Kid, stop it, mommy needs those!” Mark laughed and rested his hands on the steering wheel in front of him.

“How long you got left now?” Her belly was so big it almost reached the dashboard, and most days now she couldn’t even stand up without help. It had been at least a month since she last saw her toes.

“Thirty-seven weeks. Any time now!” She said cheerily. She had long grown weary of pregnancy. Her feet were swollen so much that she couldn’t wear anything other than flip-flops (not that she wanted to even attempt to tie shoelaces at this point), and she couldn’t go more than an hour without having to pee, no matter if she was sleeping or not. 

“You got a name for her yet?” Mark cocked his head to the side. Jenna frowned and shook her head as she watched the manager walk up to the table a second time.

“Nah. Nothing seems right, you know? I think we’ll know when we meet her.” A soft smile crossed her face as she saw Josh stand up from his seat. They seemed to be coming to terms with everything, and Josh quickly crossed over to the brunet to pull him into a hug. “Looks like we’re getting somewhere!” She pointed excitedly.

“Bout damn time!” Mark exclaimed. He wrinkled his nose as he heard fluid gushing. “Ew, did you just pee on my seat?!” Jenna looked at him with wide eyes, her face awash with fear and excitement. She grabbed his arm and shook him slightly.

“Mark… Mark, my water broke.” Jenna answered shakily.

“Dude, gross.” Jenna glared daggers at him and he quickly cleared his throat. “Uh, um, what do we do?”

“Go get them!” She hissed at him.

“Yeah, yeah, okay.” He stared at her, stunned and frozen.

“GO!” He jumped and scrambled out of the car.

 

Josh paced in Tyler and Jenna’s living room. Jenna _insisted_ on following her birth plan, and she wanted a home birth, so they called the midwife and waited. The woman showed up a half hour later and immediately started barking orders. She ran the bath and had Jenna get in, and Josh was banned from the room, which he was completely fine with. They’d been in there for at least 6 hours now.

He could hear guttural screaming coming from the other room, and it terrified him. He suddenly envied Mark, who’d opted not to stick around. A wise decision on his part. Josh shuddered when he thought of what was going on in the other room. He could hear Tyler’s encouragements, and also gasps of pain as Jenna squeezed his hand so hard he thought his fingers might be broken. Looks like the hypno-birthing wasn’t working out so well. 

 

The midwife was preparing some towels and supplies on the floor of the bathroom for after. It seemed as if Jenna was going to need to start pushing any moment now. Tyler looked at her, her blonde hair was matted and it stuck to her forehead. Her face was flushed a deep red, and her skin was covered in a sheen of sweat. She groaned as she tried to prepare herself for the next contraction. Her eyes squeezed tight as her hand clamped down on Tyler’s- he’d had to switch hands because he was sure the other one was close to being broken. The scream she let out this time was more pain-filled than any of the previous screams, and the midwife scrambled up immediately.

“She’s crowning!” She cheered. “This is the hard, part, okay, listen to me, Jenna.” She looked the blonde straight in the eye, who nodded quickly in response. “I know your instinct is to keep pushing as hard as possible, but I’m going to need you to hold off. If you push too hard, you’ll tear, okay?”

Jenna nearly cried at the words, but tried her best not to bear down. It was almost more painful than the pushing itself. She did this over and over, unaware of how much time had passed, though it must have been almost an hour. Finally, it was over. She heard the first cry.

His baby was crying. Tyler’s baby was crying. She was making her introduction to the world, and as the midwife carefully laid her on Jenna’s chest, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He’d never seen anything so beautiful. She was so tiny and pink. She had a little tuft of brown hair that was sticking in every direction. He was so mesmerized that he didn’t notice anything else going on, he didn’t notice as the midwife started to panic.

“Call an ambulance.” Tyler snapped out of his reverie and almost fainted when he looked down. Blood was steadily starting to fill the tub, and the midwife’s hands were covered in it.

“What- what’s happening?!” Tyler panicked and scrambled around for his cell phone.

“Her placenta isn’t detaching. It’s causing her to hemorrhage. She needs to get to the hospital immediately.” Tyler’s fingers fumbled as he located his phone on the bathroom counter.

“You can’t fix it?!” He was hysterical as he dialed. She shook her head solemnly.

“No. She needs surgery, immediately.”

Jenna looked back and forth between the both of them with a panicked expression.

"What's happening? Am I gonna be okay?" She began to cry and rock her baby on her chest. Tyler fell to his knees beside her and ran a hand through her hair.

"Shhh, it's okay. We're going to get you to the hospital really fast and it's going to be fine, I promise." His voice shook and he knew it was a lie. There was so much blood.

 

In the ambulance ride, Tyler held Jenna’s hand tight. Her hand felt barely there and he would give anything to have that bone crushing feeling back. He briefly thought of his newborn baby girl, at his house with Josh with the midwife showing him how to feed her. Jenna looked at him and smiled weakly.

“Ty… be happy.”

 

Later, a nurse asked what the name of the baby was as she filled out a birth certificate.

"Elizabeth. Her name is Elizabeth."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you wish you read the updated tags, huh? Elizabeth is Jenna's middle name, FYI.
> 
> Real talk, though, this chapter was hard for me to write. It is what happened to me during childbirth (I had a ton of other complications as well), and I have nightmares thinking about what would have happened if I wasn't at a hospital when it occurred.


	13. I Am Cold, Can You Hear?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was nothing in the world that could have prepared Tyler for this moment. Legs shaking slightly, he stood and shuffled his way out of the pew and into the aisle. He ducked his head down and made his way to the podium, not daring to look up yet. He closed his eyes and braced his hands on either side of the podium, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He wasn’t ready, but he had to do this. For her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Raise your hand if you're obsessed with Heathens and are going insane waiting for the music video to be released.
> 
> Sorry this took so long guys, I wanted to get the funeral just right. I don't feel like this chapter is very good, because I was just trying to push past it and get it out of my head. Also personal stuff and depression doesn't make me want to write. It also isn't that long because I felt that the funeral and the events following needed their own chapter. After this, it'll be back to my normal length chapters.

“Wear the gray one with the pinstripes. She loved you in that one.”

Josh’s eyes were soft and kind as he gestured to the three suits laid out on the bed. They were the only three that Tyler owned. There was the one he wore on his wedding day, but it didn’t seem right to wear the suit he married Jenna in to her funeral. None of them seemed right, honestly. But that’s because it didn’t seem right to be going to her funeral. It wasn’t right. It was so, so far from being right or okay. Distantly, he heard Elizabeth crying and his mom subsequently trying to soothe her. His heart ached every time she cried, because he knew that she had grown to know what her mother’s voice sounded like. 

For nine months, her mother’s voice was the only sound she really knew, and she felt comfort in it. But now that she was out in the world, that voice was nowhere in the people that held her and loved her. The thought made Tyler feel sick. He couldn’t shake the guilt. If he had just _insisted_ that they go to the hospital when she went into labor, maybe this whole thing wouldn’t even be happening. She would have been rushed to surgery, and she would have had a long recovery, but she would have been fine. 

Placenta Accreta is what they called it. He didn’t retain most of the information they threw at him, it was a lot to take in at once. Her placenta attached too deeply into her uterine wall and wouldn’t detach, causing severe hemorrhaging. That’s what they told him. It seems so simple and stupid, and yet it killed her. 

Killed.

Dead.

_Dead._

“Ty? You okay?” Josh’s voice broke his reverie. Tyler shook his head and grabbed the gray suit.

 

Before he was ready, they were sitting in the church. It was a small service, not many people were invited. That was Tyler’s idea, for two reasons. One, he didn’t really want to have to deal with too many people today. Two, he knew that Jenna would have preferred it that way. She would have only wanted her closest friends and family there. Tyler was sitting with her parents out of respect. Every time he looked at them, though, the guilt would gnaw away at him like a tape worm in his gut. And he knew that they hated him, so that didn’t help matters at all. Josh was with him, sitting on his right side, and he couldn’t have been more grateful. Josh didn’t say anything, he was just there.

The small side conversations died down as the soft organ music began to play and the pastor said some words. Traditional. It was hard for Tyler to really pay attention, everything just sort of blurred together. Which is why it wasn’t until Josh squeezed his leg gently that he realized everyone was looking at him expectantly. Oh. It was time for him to give his eulogy.

There was nothing in the world that could have prepared Tyler for this moment. Legs shaking slightly, he stood and shuffled his way out of the pew and into the aisle. He ducked his head down and made his way to the podium, not daring to look up yet. He closed his eyes and braced his hands on either side of the podium, taking a deep breath to calm himself. He wasn’t ready, but he had to do this. For her. He opened his eyes and cleared his throat, finally allowing himself to look, really look, at everyone there. He scanned the crowd and found nothing but sympathetic smiles and pitying eyes. It made his stomach churn. He hadn’t prepared anything to say, he told himself that it didn’t feel right to recite lines off of a paper. Now he wished he would have.

“Jenna…” He began, looking over to where her picture was posted up. “It’s hard to find words to describe her. She was… man, she was beautiful. You all know that, I don’t know why I’m telling you. But not, like, just physically, you know? Mentally, spiritually. Everything about her was so… _pure_. And she always put others before herself. I remember the way she used to make me laugh. This one time, she stuck a grape up her nose just to try and get me laughing, to cheer me up.” He smiled to himself at the memory. “She regretted that about five seconds later when she couldn’t get it out, and then we had to squeeze it, which made grape juice go up her nose.” The congregation laughed, and Tyler sighed.

“Our daughter looks so much like her. God, her eyes, she has Jenna’s eyes, and I’m so grateful for that. Every time I look at her, I just see those giant baby blues, and I can’t help but smile. But… but she’ll never know her mother.” His voice cracked on the last word as the tears he’d been trying desperately to reign in spilled over. “She looks so much like her, and she… She’ll never know her and there’s nothing, _nothing_ that I can do about it. That kills me.”

At that point, he found himself unable to go on, and Josh led him out into the hallway as the pastor finished up the service. Again, Josh said nothing, but pulled Tyler tight into a hug as the brunet sobbed into his shoulder, shaking uncontrollably. After what seemed like hours, but was likely only a few minutes, the scraping of pews and shuffle of feet could be heard from inside the chapel. Tyler reluctantly pulled out of Josh’s embrace, and Josh squeezed his shoulder.

“Hey,” Josh searched his face and found deadened puffy eyes staring back at him, “we can leave if you want. I don’t think anyone would blame you.” Tyler nodded wordlessly, and they walked back to the car in silence.

Upon returning home, they found Tyler’s mom rocking the baby who was sound asleep in her arms. Tyler smiled fondly at the sight. Elizabeth was only a week old, but she was such a good baby. He watched her sleep for a moment, mesmerized as Josh and Kelly had a murmured conversation that he caught none of. He thought about the nickname they called her, how it didn't make sense to her name but it was apparently a popular nickname for Elizabeth, and it seemed to fit her. His mom snapped him out of his reverie.

“Do you want to go put Effy in her crib?” 

Tyler shifted nervously and looked between her and Josh with a panicked expression. Josh sensed his distress and swooped the baby up, leaving the room. Kelly looked at him in confusion, but he just shook his head violently and went to his room.

He shut the door behind him and lay down on his bed, not bothering to take off his stuffy suit. He studied the ceiling designs as the guilt came back, curling and twisting in his gut. He hadn’t held her since she was born. Couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was so scared that he would hurt her, like he hurt everything he touched. She was so tiny and amazing, and he couldn’t help but feel that he wasn’t good enough to be her father. She deserved better than this. 

Silent tears rolled down Tyler’s cheeks as he slipped out of his suit. He knew he’d never be able to wear it again, but he also knew he’d keep it forever. At long last, after a day that seemed to stretch on forever, he climbed into bed. The pillows still smelled like her. Jenna’s kiwi scented shampoo permeated the pillows, and it made Tyler sick, but he couldn’t bring himself to wash the pillowcases.

He slept fitfully that night.


	14. Take It Slow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler is falling apart. Josh is at the end of his rope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over 300 kudos I'm actually crying you guys. I wrote this thinking it was a good concept but I never thought anyone but me would actually like it. Thank you so much, it means a lot to me.
> 
> More Josh perspective because Josh is kind of the hero of this story.

Something was wrong with Tyler. Well, not just something, there were very specific things wrong, but Josh didn’t know how to fix any of it. He’d always been the one that Tyler could count on for a shoulder to lean on or guidance, but he knew nothing he could say now would give Tyler the help he really needs. He looked at the infant he’s cradling in his arms, the one who’d just fallen asleep, and he can’t help but feel lost. 

Effy. Her full first name was Elizabeth but they’d heard somewhere that Effy was strangely a nickname for Elizabeth, and, well, it just seemed to suit her. She had blue eyes. The same piercing, startling blue that Jenna had, and for that everyone always exclaimed how much she resembled her mother. Josh, though. Josh could see Tyler everywhere. From the way her eyes were slightly puffy underneath, to the way her nose had a smooth slope that curved out just slightly to the tip, and of course her tiny little dimples, she looked just like her father. Tyler still couldn’t hold her. She was almost a month old and yet he could only coo at her from above while Josh held her, barely daring to touch her longer than to stroke a finger down her chubby cheek.

Over the next month, things kept getting worse, and still Josh didn’t know what to do. Tyler barely ate, and most of the time it was when his mom would come over and practically force food down his throat. He was already skinny before, but now he was starting to look sickly. Josh continued to care for the baby, and Tyler withdrew more and more.

 

“Oh honey. You look awful.” Laura Dun looked at her son as he stood in the doorway, looking as though he was about to keel over. He gave her a tired smile and invited her in. Josh had baby Effy cradled in one arm as he hugged his mom with the other.

Momma Dun insisted on holding the baby and fawning over her, of course. Josh sat on the couch opposite them and promptly fell asleep. About 20 minutes later, he jolted himself awake, his face showing momentary panic that melted away as soon as he registered the scene before him. He really didn’t get much sleep these days.

“Sorry, I just kinda dozed off there.” Josh chuckled anxiously as he leaned forward. “You want me to take her back?”

“No, honey, you rest.” Laura shooed away Josh’s outstretched arms. “Besides, I gotta get my baby fix!” She laughed and patted the now snoozing baby on her shoulder. After a moment, she sighed heavily and her eyes flickered toward Tyler’s closed door down the hallway. “How bad is it?”

“Bad.” Josh ran a hand down his face and closed his eyes. “I don’t know what to do anymore.” His voice cracked on the last word he clenched his jaw shut.

“Oh, honey,” his mom said sympathetically as she reached across to rub his knee soothingly, “he needs help. And not the kind you can give him. He needs to see someone, or it’s only going to get worse.”

Josh rubbed his tired eyes and leaned his head back against the couch.

“I know. I just. I don’t know how to tell him, and I’m so, so afraid that he’s going to lash out at me.” He paused for a moment, biting his quivering bottom lip, before adding in a whisper, “I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him.”

“Darling, you pretty much run that risk either way. This way isn’t working, and I hate to see you like this. Talk to him.”

 

The next time Josh tried to talk to Tyler, it didn’t go well. He doesn’t really pride himself in words and being able to really communicate what he means, so of course this was no exception. “Tyler, you need to go see a therapist” is apparently not the way you start a conversation with someone who is severely depressed and possibly suicidal, so Tyler promptly kicked Josh out of his room.

A few nights after, Josh was up at some ungodly hour making a bottle for a screaming baby, when Tyler suddenly appeared in the kitchen. At first Josh thought he’d reached the point of exhaustion that included hallucinations, but after a moment he realized Tyler was real, not an apparition. His hand was paused in the middle of measuring out a scoop of formula as he just stared at Tyler, standing there in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, fingers twitching. 

“Um, do you want me to-…” Tyler stepped toward them with his arm outstretched, though he wasn’t really sure what he was offering to do. Josh snapped out of his reverie and pushed the can of formula toward his friend along with the bottle.

“She just needs one scoop. Just enough to get her back to sleep.” Tyler nodded his understanding and added the powder to the water already inside the bottle. After putting the nipple back on and shaking up the liquid, he held the bottle out with a shaking hand extended toward Josh. “Thanks. Um, do you want to…” Josh gestured with the bottle toward Effy, whose screams had calmed now that food is in sight.

“Uh…” Tyler took the bottle and positioned it awkwardly above the baby girl, but she drank the liquid happily anyway. Something about being this close to both of them, Josh and his little girl, warmed part of him. He wasn’t touching either of them, but the closeness was still palpable. After finishing the bottle, the baby burped and fell asleep immediately.

“I’ll just. Um. I’ll go put her down, okay?” Josh made to leave the kitchen before pivoting and holding hand out to Tyler. “Stay. Stay right here, I’ll-… I’ll be right back, just. Okay?”

Seemingly rooted to the spot, Tyler stared after Josh, unsure of whether he’s doing the right thing or not. His hands started twitching and he started to feel that familiar itch in his wrists again. His instinct was to run back to his room and lock the door, but his feet seemed to have forgotten how to move. Upon re-entering, Josh steered him toward the living room couches and plopped down one himself. Flashbacks of he and Josh on this couch, drinking wine and being together plagued him, and he felt like the need for that intimacy was a physical pain.

“Tyler,” Josh said softly, pleadingly, “sit. Sit down, please. Talk to me.”

“Josh, I-… I don’t know what to say.” Tyler slunk down onto the cushions and stared at his hands. 

“Tell me what’s been going on. Please.”

Tyler looked up, his eyes finally connecting with Josh’s, and he felt the dam start to crumble. The leak was small, but the integrity of the stone was giving way to the flood.

“I… I break everything I touch.” He held out his hands, which were shaking violently. “Ever since… Ever since Jenna d-died, I-I-I just. I’m so afraid that I’ll ruin everything and everyone around me.”

Surging forward, Josh put a soft hand on Tyler’s face, reassured when he didn’t flinch away. “Jenna’s death was not your fault. It was awful, and tragic, and god I can’t even fathom the ways it tears you up inside, but it… Tyler, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I should have-“

“No. It wasn’t. your. fault.” Josh held Tyler’s gaze with an intensity neither of them really understood, and the dam caved in. Josh scooped his friend up and held him as the other’s sobs wracked through his body. Tyler’s hands clawed at Josh’s shirt desperately trying to cling to something real, and Josh held steady.

“I’m so sorry, Joshie. I’m so, so sorry.”

“Shhhh,” Josh soothed as he ran a hand down Tyler’s back, “it’s okay.”

After what seemed like hours, and in all likelihood probably was, Tyler’s cries were reduced to sniffles and the occasional hiccup. Josh kissed the top of Tyler’s head absentmindedly and buried his face in the brunet hair, squeezing his eyes shut. He knew this was the time he had to talk to his friend, to get him to seek help. He reveled in the closeness while he could, fully anticipating this to all backfire, but he knew he had to try. He memorized the way Tyler’s body felt cradled against him, how soft his hair and his skin was, his steady heartbeat, everything. He didn’t know how long it would be until he got to be this close again.

“Tyler, I need to ask you to do something for me.” Josh huffed out finally, with a hint of defeat already in his voice. He was already choking back tears. Tyler lifted his head and turned to Josh, confusion in his tired features. Josh took a deep breath and continued. “I think… No, I _know_ you need to… talk to someone.”

Tyler’s head tilted to the side as he tried to decode Josh’s vague statement.

“What do you mean?” He bit his lip anxiously and Josh sighed.

“Like… like a therapist.” The older man avoided Tyler’s eyes. He knew this was necessary, but he couldn’t help the sense of shame that swept over him, mingling with his raw desperation for change. Tyler tensed immediately and stood up, looking down at Josh.

“We already talked about this! I-I-I-I don’t need help. I’m not crazy! Why would you say that to me?” The brunet’s face betrayed the hurt coursing through him, but also the guilt. Josh remained silent and for the first time in over a month, Tyler looked, _really looked_ at his friend. 

He looked like hell, honestly. His hair had completely faded back to the bleach blonde, and his natural color was creeping up over his roots which were at least an inch long at this point. His eyes were trained down on his hands, but Tyler could see the deep bags that had taken root under them. His nails were chewed down to the bed, which had never happened before. Josh didn’t use to bite his nails, did he? As Tyler was making his observations, Josh spoke again in a voice barely above a whisper.

“I didn’t say you were crazy. Ty, I-… I know you’re not crazy, I just…” Josh finally looked up and made eye contact with Tyler, and the younger man suddenly wished he hadn’t. The tears were finally spilling over and those deep, chocolate eyes showed everything. He was broken. “I can’t do this by myself anymore.”

Before he even understood that he was moving, Tyler launched himself forward and pulled Josh’s head to his chest. For the second time tonight, one friend was comforting the other through his tears, only now the positions were reversed. Tyler found himself squeezing Josh tightly and wishing to never see that look on his best friend’s face again. The look that he put there. He would do anything to prevent that hurt from happening anymore.

“I’ll do it, Joshie. I’ll call someone, I’ll do anything. I’m so, so sorry I’ve done this to you.” Tyler lifted Josh’s face level with his own and searched the other man’s eyes. “Do you hear me? I promise I’ll do better. I’m going to fix this, okay?” He smiled weakly, and Josh’s eyes lightened a bit. “Everything is going to be okay, I promise.”

Effy chose that exact moment to start crying. Josh sighed heavily and went to stand up, throwing Tyler a bewildered look as he felt a hand push him back down. Tyler stood and went over to the baby’s room. He stood in the doorway for a moment, looking as though he was mentally preparing himself for war. He stepped in the room quietly as Josh looked on after him. A moment later, the brunet reappeared with Effy in his arms and Josh rushed over to them. She appeared to be fast asleep again, with a green pacifier nestled into her mouth. Tyler was rocking her gently.

“I guess she just needed her binkie.” Tyler said softly. When he looked up and the two men made eye contact again, Josh did the first thing that came to his mind.

He grabbed the sides of his best friend’s face and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this! Comments are like money for us fic writers, so please tell me what you thought!
> 
> ALSO! I'm working on a fic where Josh gets turned into a cat and it's actually hilarious (or at least my best friend and I peed ourselves laughing when we were coming up with ideas), so look out for that! I'm also working on a Cinderella AU! Exciting things, creative juices!


	15. My Taste in Music is Your Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's getting better, and Josh is always there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tooth-rotting fluff, and cheesy as fuck. Sorry.
> 
> Also the part in the beginning is really important to me because I've read so many fics where taking meds for mental illness is condemned, which is just so toxic and puts me off a lot.

Tyler stared intently at his hand. Well, not just his hand, but what was in his hand. He glanced up at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and back down at the thing in his palm. It was so small, but it scared him. Carefully, he picked it up with his opposite hand, holding it tightly between his forefinger and thumb, and brought the capsule up to his eye as he examined it closely. Pills. They gave him pills. He sighed and set it the pill back on the counter, opting to examine the prescription bottle instead. 

Effexor, it was called. He was to take 75mgs (1 pill) once daily for major depression and anxiety. He frowned. He hated that he now had a diagnosis. In some ways it made him feel better, like there was a reason for everything, but in other ways, he hated having a label put on him. It was like they’d put him in a box, and it felt constricting. The official diagnosis was Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. The therapist, Doctor Gibson, also suspected that Tyler might be suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder after Jenna’s death, but it was too soon to tell as the grieving process was tricky.

Three months. Three months he’d been seeing his therapist and all that time, Tyler had resisted taking any medication. He was stubborn. It became apparent, however, that therapy alone was not going to do the trick, so here he was. Standing in his bathroom, now scrutinizing himself in the mirror, he was truly seeing himself. The bags under his eyes were still there, they always were, but they weren’t as tired as usual. His eyes were still a little red. He’d been sleeping finally, but still not enough. His hands were steady. He was so focused that the light knock at the door caused him to jump slightly.

“Ty, you okay in there?” Josh’s calming voice came through the door. Tyler huffed and opened the door.

“Hey.” Tyler had a tight-lipped smile for him as he stepped to the side to let Josh into the bathroom with him. Josh eyed the pill bottle curiously, but didn’t say anything, instead looking to Tyler expectantly. The brunet ran a hand over the back of his neck and braced his hands on either side of the sink. “It feels like giving up.” He finally mumbled. 

“Why?” Josh’s voice was soft and unassuming, but his brow was furrowed in concern.

“I just. You know, it just feels like, like I’m admitting defeat or something.” He exhaled slowly. “Like I’m saying I can’t do it on my own.”

For a moment, the older man stayed silent and just observed his friend quietly. His head cocked to the side as he made eye contact with the brunet’s reflection.

“Okay, so tell me this. If you had a heart condition and needed meds to control it, would it bother you?” Tyler shook his head slowly. “Then why is this any different? You have an illness, and you need medication. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just like, imagine that someone has diabetes, right?” Josh nodded and gestured with his hands. “So, they have to control their diet to keep their sugar levels right, but like, maybe it’s not enough. Maybe they also need insulin. That’s like this. You need therapy, and it helps, but it’s not enough. So this is what you need. It’s okay, and it doesn’t make you weak.”

By the time Josh finished with his mini monologue, Tyler’s eyes were watering, and he turned to Josh and embraced him tightly. He ducked his head down and put it on Josh’s shoulder as he felt strong arms encircling his waist and tightening. He felt safe here. They hadn’t touched much since the night Josh had kissed him, as he’d decided that he needed to focus on himself for a while. They both agreed that it wouldn’t be healthy for either of them if they got into something when Tyler still had so much he needed to take care of for himself. Still, he missed this. He missed the closeness, and he missed Josh’s scent. Pushing away, he squared his shoulders and nodded. Before he could second guess himself, he tossed the pill in his mouth and swallowed it dry.

“Thanks, Jish.”

 

Effy was gurgling and babbling happily on her tummy in the living room. They had a blanket down with some toys around her, some just outside of her reach. At five months old, she could pull herself up to kneeling, but she hadn’t quite figured out where to go from there. She could also roll from front to back and back to front, and she could sit mostly unsupported. Her hair had started to come in just after she turned 2 months old, and it had grown rapidly. It was a dark brown, like Tyler’s, mostly straight with soft ringlets at the nape of her neck. Her eyes were still the same shocking blue they’d been at birth, and for that Tyler was thankful. The pediatrician had told him that often times when a baby was born with blue eyes, the color would change sometime in the first year, and he didn’t want to lose that part of Jenna. Thankfully, Effy’s showed no sign of changing in the slightest.

Ever since that night, Tyler couldn’t get enough of holding his daughter. It was a need that surged through him like electricity, and he would hold her constantly. His mom insisted that she would get spoiled on affection (as if there was such a thing as showing a baby too much affection), but he didn’t care. He would sleep with her in his bed if he wasn’t afraid of rolling on top of her. Josh joked that he now had to fight to get some quality time in with her, but it was just a front. Tyler loved seeing Josh with Effy. He would look at her and his eyes would go wide, and he’d smile that same crinkly-eyed smile that made Tyler swoon. He’d toss her in the air gently as she squealed and flailed her chubby little arms around.

The urge to touch, to kiss, to _feel_ Josh was overwhelming at times, and times like these were always the hardest. Josh lay down next to the baby on the floor, making funny faces at her to make her laugh while Tyler watched from the sofa. She reached out a hand and clumsily grabbed at his face, and he pretended to eat her hand, making her emit more peals of laughter. 

Tyler knew that it was best for them to not be together right now. He knew that, but every voice in his head was screaming at him to throw caution to the wind, say “to hell with it,” and just go for it. Even now, as he watched the man he was in love blow raspberries at his infant daughter, he fought against the urge to kiss every inch of that handsome face.

 

Josh yawned and rubbed a hand over his face. They’d just gotten Effy down to sleep, and tonight had been a particularly rough one. She screamed and screamed, but neither man had any idea what to do. Finally Tyler had the idea to play some music for her, so he pulled out the ukulele and played her some songs while singing softly as Josh rocked her and hummed along. It did the trick, and she was down within minutes. He wanted nothing more than to collapse into bed and be dead to the world for as long as he could before baby cries inevitably woke him.

“Josh?” Josh hummed in response and turned his head toward Tyler. The brunet was standing in the doorway to his bedroom, hands fidgeting nervously as he looked over at his friend. “Would you… would you stay with me tonight?”

The question caught Josh off-guard and he felt his heart stutter in his chest. His head was screaming _”yes! YES, GO!”_ and he felt his mouth run dry as he gulped. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Tyler’s, which were shining with hope and fear simultaneously. He took a deep breath.

“Tyler,” his voice cracked with emotion, “we-, we can’t.”

The brunet stepped toward him in a burst of confidence, and Josh couldn’t move. He was frozen, the zombie apocalypse could be going on and he’d be an entrée because he couldn’t will his legs to do anything other than stand there. Tyler stepped into his space, his shaking hands cupping the sides of Josh’s face as he looked into the other’s eyes earnestly.

“Please. I can’t. It’s too… I can’t be alone.” And with that, every last bit of Josh’s resolve was shredded as he felt himself being pulled by an invisible force toward Tyler’s room.

“Okay. Yeah, that’s-… Okay.” The older man swallowed down the saliva that suddenly seemed too thick in his mouth and followed behind Tyler.

It wasn’t weird. It totally wasn’t, they were just two guys sleeping in a bed together and it was totally platonic. Except that Tyler had curled up into Josh’s side and he couldn’t find it in himself to push him away, and the brunet was now sleeping soundly. And as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he’d missed this more than anything. And now that Tyler was in his arms, he was gone.

To hell with it, he thought. He wrapped his arms around the gorgeous man and let it all go. Nothing bad was going to happen, and he couldn’t resist this even if he wanted to. He pressed his face into Tyler’s hair and inhaled his scent as he quickly fell into an easy sleep.

The next morning found Josh waking up to a squalling baby who was protesting waking up hungry and trapped in her crib. He heard her impatient cries coming through the baby monitor, and Tyler jerked awake, sitting up and looking to Josh blearily. A blush crept across his face as he rubbed a hand through his brown locks.

“Good morning,” he murmured, biting his lip nervously while a smile played at the corner of his mouth.

Josh hummed in response, unable to stop himself from reaching up and brushing his thumb across one of those gorgeous high cheek bones. Tyler grew even redder and opened his mouth to say something only to be interrupted by Effy who cried with renewed valor to show her frustration at being ignored. Tyler stuttered something about needing to get her and stumbled out of the room.

 

“So, can we talk about this?” The question came the next night after Effy had been put to bed again. They hadn’t had a moment alone since the morning as today the baby decided that this was the worst day of her little life, not giving anyone a moment’s peace. Tyler scratched his arm nervously as he looked to Josh for a response. The older man studied Tyler’s face for a thoughtful moment before he took a deep breath.

“I love you, Tyler.” His voice was clear and steady. “I’ve never stopped loving you, and I don’t think I ever will, honestly. Oh my God, I sound like a Lifetime movie right now.” He chuckled and wiped a hand across his face in embarrassment. He cleared his throat and continued, making sure to look Tyler in the eye, “whatever you want to do, I’m okay. As long as I get to be in your life, yours and Effy’s, that’s all I need. I won’t pressure you to do something you’re not ready for.”

Tyler was momentarily speechless. His mind was reeling and he could feel his pulse pounding in his ears. The excitement, the pure elation at the words he’d just heard was vibrating through him. But, then-

“Wait, we… We talked about this, we-” Tyler gulped his panic down hastily, he reminded himself that this was something he couldn’t have, couldn’t _allow himself_ to have.

“Tyler,” it came out as a reassurance, “you’re getting better. You’re in therapy, you’re on medication, and oh my God you are the best father I’ve ever seen. Seeing you with Effy, it-. God, it makes me fall more in love with you, seeing how much you love that little girl.”

Tyler shook his head rapidly, he felt his heart breaking all over again, because he wanted, oh God, he _wanted,_ but he couldn’t have things, and Josh was too good. Before his thoughts could go any further, Josh firmly grabbed his face and held it gently, forcing Tyler to make eye contact. 

“Do you want to be with me?”

“It’s not that simple, Jo-“

“ _No._ ” Josh shook his head sternly. “It’s a yes or no question, Tyler.”

Tyler paused, and he didn’t have to think about it, really, because there was no question about it.

“Yes.”

The kiss was cautious, and Tyler knew Josh was giving him one last opportunity to change his mind, to let him know there was no pressure, but he’d waited too long for this. Dreamed of this every moment they’d been apart, through everything they’d been through over the past year. He pulled Josh into him urgently, leaning back against the couch. His hands roamed everywhere, everywhere he hadn’t been allowed to touch the past few months. He felt across the broad chest and shoulders, felt the taut muscles under the thin cotton shirt. 

Josh swept the small man up in his arms and carried him back to the bedroom. They lay in bed kissing softly and sleepily, and the clothes came off slowly as they touched and explored everywhere. There was time now, they didn’t need to rush. Josh reveled in every gasp and moan that fell from Tyler’s beautifully full lips. When he finally pushed into Tyler, it was slow, steady and determined. 

“ _Josh_.” The brunet brought his hands up to cup the older man’s face gently. Josh leaned his head forward until it connected with Tyler’s as he continued with his long thrusts.

Their lips met over and over as the emotional weight of the situation crashed over them and they found themselves at a loss for words. When they finished, they rolled together and fell asleep in each other’s arms, contentedly exhausted.


	16. Take My Whole Life, Too

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has setbacks sometimes, and Effy is getting bigger all the time, as babies tend to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is shorter than normal, and just a tad bit of a filler, but necessary.

‘The thing about life is, it’s not a fairy tale. It’s not like a Disney movie where the characters presumably life happily ever after and never have a hard day in their lives again. Things get better, and they can also get worse. Often times, things are right in the middle of better and worse. For Tyler, his good days were starting to outweigh his bad days. Sometimes a bad day just meant he got snippy with everyone and just in general wasn’t in a good mood. Other times, though. Other times it was really bad.

Panic rose in Josh’s throat as he banged on the bathroom door for the umpteenth time. Tyler had locked himself in there, and things were getting better, they _were_ , but he couldn’t help but remind himself that there were razors and chemicals in there that could do some damage. There wasn’t anything in particular that set Tyler off, the demons were just particularly loud today.

“Open the door! I will break it down, I’m not kidding!”

Inside, Tyler had curled himself into a ball against the sink, with his arms pulling his knees tight into his chest. He rocked slightly while tears spilled down his face, unable to turn off the self-deprecating thoughts running through him. Thoughts of how he was a _burden_ to everyone, how he was failing his family by being broken, how he hadn’t written a song or performed in months, and most of all how he didn’t deserve his amazing boyfriend or daughter. He scratched at his arms, tracing the scars that hadn’t yet faded from his suicide attempt. He wasn’t _that_ bad, no, he just wanted something to numb the pain.

“Tyler!” the voice boomed through the door. It made him jump slightly, but deep down he knew it wasn’t fair for him to make Josh worry like this. It took a few tries to flip the lock as his hands were shaking so badly, but the second he got it, the door flew open. The anger on Josh’s face dissipated immediately and he pulled Tyler into his side without hesitation, sitting on the floor beside him. Sobs wracked through the thin man as he pressed his face into Josh’s shirt, the strong arms around him grounding him.

“Hey…” Josh tucked a finger under Tyler’s chin and tilted it up until they were making eye contact. “What happened? What’s wrong?”

“I…” Tyler shook his head and looked into those worried, tired eyes. “I don’t know!” His shoulders shook as a new wave of sobs overtook him. Josh cradled him to his chest and quietly shushed him until he’d calmed down. When the tears were mostly gone, Tyler sat up straight and Josh regarded him kindly.

“Okay?” Tyler nodded numbly as he rubbed his eyes. 

“What time is it?” 

“It’s two in the morning.” Josh yawned widely, and stood up. He reached his hand out to the brunet. “Coming to bed?” Tyler nodded again and took Josh’s warm hand, allowing himself to be pulled into a tight embrace. Josh kissed his head, conveying in that simple action what words could not. That he was safe, and loved.

 

 

“You know, we have to tell people.” 

Tyler’s hands stilled in the midst of measuring out formula as the wheels turned in his brain. It was a late night feeding, and he was mostly on autopilot as Josh leaned on the counter next to him, arms crossed and looking much more awake than Tyler was. They didn’t happen that often anymore, Effy was mostly sleeping through the night now at seven months old. Distantly, he heard her squalling in her crib as if to say, ‘what’s taking so long?’ 

“Tell people what?” The brunet asked innocently, though he knew what Josh was referring to. They’d sidestepped this conversation before, and he was honestly dreading it. Josh sighed in resigned frustration as Tyler dumped the formula in the bottle and shook it up.

“You know what, Tyler.” He gave his boyfriend a hard stare. “I mean, I think our moms already know, cause they’re over here all the time, but we should tell the rest of our families.”

“Josh,” Tyler sighed, and began to walk past him to the baby’s room, “It is _way_ too early… err, late? Whatever. It’s way too something to talk about this right now.” He handed the bottle to Effy, who grasped onto it while laying on her back, sucking it down like she hadn’t eaten in days. “Can we at least wait until my brain is firing at least at half power to have this discussion?”

Josh leaned up against the doorframe with his arms crossed and frowned at Tyler. He could see that he truly was exhausted. 

“Fine.” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his forefinger and his thumb. “But we are talking about this tomorrow.” 

Later that morning, when they’ve all had a few more hours of sleep, Josh kept his word and brings it up again. They’ve just settled down on the couch with Effie on a blanket with her toys surrounding her.

“I just, I don’t get why it’s such a big deal that they know. Can’t we just keep things like this?” Tyler knew he was being a little ridiculous, but the thought of having to expose this part of himself to his family scares him a little bit. He chances a look up at Josh, expecting to see anger or frustration, but instead he just looks pained.

“Are you ashamed of me?” His voice comes out quiet, almost like he’s saying it to himself. “Of-of us?”

For a moment, Tyler doesn’t know what to say. This was not the reaction he was expecting. He shifts to the side a little to get a better look at Josh—who is avoiding his eyes and instead staring straight ahead—and gapes just a little bit. Because there are many things he felt about Josh, and shame is nowhere near making the list. 

“Is that what you think?” He asked incredulously. When he gets no response, he continues, “oh my God, no! Of course not. I could never-gosh, I can’t believe that’s what you-no. No, Josh, no. Never.”

Beside him, the older man stared down at his hands for a moment before clearing his throat and speaking a little louder.

“It’s just. You know, I want to be able to, like, tell people. I mean, I live here now. I have to be able to explain to my mom why I'm renting out my house here and am subletting my place in L.A.” With a sigh, Josh pushed a hand through his hair. “I just don’t want to feel like I’m keeping a secret, you know?”

Below them, Effy babbled something nonsensically, and made a frustrated noise. Her soft brown curls bounced slightly as she lurched forward to reach a toy, only to grunt when it was barely an inch away from her chubby fist. Determined, she wiggled slightly and pushed off with her knees.

“OH MY GOD!” An inhuman but definitely manly, so totally manly, squeal erupted out of her father, who promptly launched himself onto the floor next to his daughter.

“Did she just _crawl_?” Josh couldn’t contain his excitement, either. They spent the next hour trying to get Effy to crawl to certain toys or her father. Between the two of them, they probably took over 100 pictures and maybe half that many videos. Josh's snapchat story was approximately ten minutes long by the time he was done. The first time she opted to crawl to Josh instead of her father, Tyler nearly wept from pure joy.

“Okay.” Tyler said as he hefted his baby girl onto his lap, after she had successfully wobbled her way back to him. Josh, having gotten caught up in the excitement of the moment, looked up at Tyler, completely perplexed. “Let’s do it, let’s tell people.”

 

 

They decided to invite both families over to the house so they could make the announcement to everyone at once. They both agreed that it would be easier than having to sit everyone down one at a time and having to deal with all the different reactions over and over.

It was possibly the worst idea either of them had ever had, and Tyler had once written an ode to Taco Bell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cancer cover. I think I cried all the tears my body is capable of holding.


	17. He's a Butcher With a Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler and Josh tell their families.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry this took so long, life was kicking my ass for a little bit there. In the meantime, I wrote a short fic that you should totally go check out called Anathema (it's a/b/o, so don't read if that stuff weirds you out).
> 
> This is a short chapter, but I'll try to get another one up soon.

“This is the worst idea either of us has ever come up with,” Tyler said to Josh as they looked out at the gathering of family and friends, “And I once wrote a Taco Bell anthem.”

Wide-eyed, Josh nodded and sipped at his soda. They’d decided to get both families together to tell everyone all at once. It seemed like a good idea at the time, get all it over with, like ripping off a Band-Aid. As they eyed the gathering, it dawned on them that they were basically throwing a _coming out party._ Another thing they hadn’t considered was that they were going to have to deal with all the reactions at the same time. While their moms probably had an idea and seemed to be okay with it, they truly had no idea how the rest of their families would react. This was a potential disaster waiting to happen.

None of the family members really seemed to question the invite. They were all somewhat traditional, big family gatherings for no reason was kind of common for them. They’d all promptly made themselves at home- lounging on the couch, mulling through the snacks and sodas in the kitchen, sitting at the table, and of course Josh’s sister’s kids were running wildly through the whole mess. In front of the couch, Effy was crawling around in a pack and play, shoving toys in her mouth. She didn’t like to be picked up as much these days, not now that she knew she could go places by herself, so she had to be confined to the pack and play. Every now and then, she would squawk in protest of her prison sentence, only to be cooed at by the adults around her. She would then glare at them, as if to say, _don’t patronize me!_

This was one such time, where Effy decided she’d had enough of her cage, and started crying, loudly. The noise disrupted the conversations happening, and Josh took this as an excuse to distract himself. He scooped up the little girl, and carried her over to the table to grab some teething crackers. As long as she was preoccupied with food, she was content to be held. Josh found that her steady weight in his arms was distracting enough to provide some comfort. He walked back over to Tyler, and it wasn’t until then that he realized that everyone had gone silent, watching him curiously.

It was Maddy, Tyler’s youngest sibling and only sister, who broke the silence. She cleared her throat as she looked over at them from where she stood next to the kitchen table with her family. 

“So…” Her eyes swept around the room once before settling on the two men and the little girl. “Not that I’m complaining, but what’s with the impromptu shindig? Just missing your families or what?”

Josh shifted his weight nervously from one foot to another, and adjusted the baby on his hip. He never liked being put on the spot, and the fact that they had such big news was making his anxiety even worse. He felt a rush of gratitude when Tyler took it upon himself to speak first. Tyler knew Josh better than anyone, knew that even his own anxiety paled in comparison to that of the older man’s.

“Well, we, uh. We kind of. Okay, we…” The brunet stopped and took a deep breath to calm his nerves. He felt like he was practically vibrating with anticipation. He looked to the two families. Josh’s family was mainly sitting in the living room area, spread out over the couches and chairs, turned sideways to look at the two men. Tyler’s were all in the dining room with all the food, big surprise. They all looked to him expectantly, so he cleared his throat and tried again.

“Okay. So. We have, uh, something we’d like to… tell you.” He rubbed the back of his neck and looked at Josh out of the corner of his eye. His partner looked like his wires were about to snap with how tense he was. Tyler gulped. “So, uh. Josh and I, we’ve known each other a long time, and um. Well, we’re kind of… together.” He finished lamely, and rocked back on his heels, steeling himself for what was about to happen.

When they pictured this moment, they saw many outcomes. Outrage, disgust, even confusion. What they never expected was for Zack to burst out laughing, quickly joined by the rest of Tyler’s family. Josh’s family all looked slightly uncomfortable, save for his mom who smiled at her son encouragingly.

“This is _news?_ ” Zack said, as he wiped tears of laughter from his cheeks. “Dude, um, no offense, but you guys aren’t exactly subtle. You’ve been living together for like half a year now.”

Tyler’s family all nodded in agreeance as their laughter subsided into small giggles. The singer looked at them all with his jaw hanging open in shock. With their religious background, he had assumed that they would disapprove, but they were acting as if it was no big deal. He smiled as he turned to look at Josh, and was instantly confused as he saw the look of fear and apprehension on the man’s face. He turned his head to follow Josh’s gaze, and found that most of them were refusing to look at him. Josh’s father, Bill, looked downright disgusted. An uncomfortable silence settled around the room as the rest of them saw what was going on.

“Dad?” Josh’s voice was small and fragile sounding, like a child waiting for punishment. Without a word, his father stood and stared at his eldest son, looking for all the world like he smelled something foul. He shook his head and turned to leave, his footfalls heavy in the quiet room, slamming the front door behind him. The rest of the party stared after him in stunned silence. 

Josh passed Effy off to her father and walked back to the bedroom without another word. Tyler stared after him helplessly as his daughter squirmed in his arms, crying to be put down.


	18. Time to Say Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh deals with his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to add a warning to the beginning of this for severe homophobia and homophobic language. Given the events of the past week, I know a lot of us are still reeling and emotionally raw. With that in mind, please proceed with caution and stay safe. 
> 
> Also, kind of underage? It's just kissing, nothing sexual.

When Josh was a child, he went to church with his family every Sunday. Most sermons went way over his head, and his parents didn’t allow him to go to Sunday school, but forced him and his siblings to sit with them in the main church to hear what the preacher had to say. They said that church was serious, it wasn’t for them to goof off in a room with other kids where they could get away with not paying attention to the teachers. The first time he ever heard the word “homosexual” was when he was around 5 or 6.

“A man shall not lie with a man as he does with a woman.” The preacher recited to the congregation. “Leviticus 20:13.”

There was a quiet murmuring through the pews, with a few louder voices saying “amen!” echoing through the church. Josh looked to his siblings, whose confused expressions mirrored his own. He listened as the preacher continued to talk vehemently about filthy “homosexuals,” seemingly going off on his own tangent, his bible closed on the podium. By the end, the poor little boy felt like his head was spinning with all these terms he didn’t understand. “Sodomites,” he’d said, “perversions, pedophiles.” 

“Momma,” the little boy started once they were all back in the car to go home, “what’s a ‘hono-sectual’?”

“Homosexual, dear.” His mother corrected him, as his father laughed mirthlessly.

“They’re filthy faggots, Joshua. They’re men who like other men, which is a sin against god. You understand that, son?” His father raised his eyebrows at his eldest child in the rearview mirror. Laura looked slightly mortified, but said nothing. Josh, not knowing what to say, just nodded. His father continued on a rant about how disgusted he was by “gay” people. 

Josh didn’t really understand. He tried asking his sister, but she was younger than him and understood even less than he did. Of course, in his childish brain, he was soon distracted and the thought went abandoned. It would come up from time to time, it was always niggling away in the back of his thoughts, but he did his best to ignore it since he simply didn’t understand.

 

When he was 12, he met Isaiah. Isaiah was a kid that moved in down the street from him, and he was also homeschooled. Their moms got together with all the other homeschooling parents and let the kids play together, to “socialize” them. Isaiah and Josh became fast friends. They had a secret language and everything, and their parents let them run off and play together when they weren’t in “school.”

One such afternoon, it was nearing the end of the school year, and summer was almost upon them. It was warm enough now not to need a light jacket. There was a field where they would play together, anything from lightsaber wars (using sticks they’d found near the trees) to two-person tag. They could spend hours out there, just running around to their hearts’ content. 

They lay sprawled out next to each other in the tall grass, invisible to passers-by, watching the clouds and naming their shapes.

“That one,” Josh pointed upward while squinting his eyes, “looks like my pet turtle.”

“Woah,” Isaiah giggled, “you’ve got one funky looking turtle.”

“Hey,” Josh propped himself up on his elbow and studied his friend next to him for a moment, “your family goes to church, right?”

Isaiah cocked his head to the side and simply nodded, pushing himself to support his weight on his elbows behind him.

“Last Sunday they talked about homosexuals… again.” Josh’s brow furrowed as if he was trying to solve a particularly hard puzzle. 

“What’s a… what’s that word?”

“Homosexual.”

“Yeah, what’s that?” Isaiah looked confused as he idly plucked grass from the ground with one hand.

“Well, I tried to ask my dad, but he just gets really mad and starts yelling, but momma said that it’s when two boys or two girls, like, wanna kiss each other and stuff.”

“I don’t ‘member ever talking about this kinda stuff in church.”

“Dad doesn’t let us go to Sunday school. Says it spoils kids or somethin’.” Josh shrugged.

“What’s wrong with kissing? Kissing is fun.” Isaiah looked at his friend earnestly, while Josh looked shocked. A breeze rolled through and ruffled his curly hair.

“What? How do you know, have you- you’ve kissed a girl before?” Isaiah nodded, like it was no big deal. “Isn’t it gross?”

“Nah.” The boy shrugged. “It’s just… I dunno, it’s just fun. Haven’t you ever kissed anyone before?”

Josh shook his head so fast he almost got whiplash, looking down at his best friend in amazement. The breeze was picking up now, and the sun was starting to go down. It was almost time to go home. Josh couldn’t stop himself from wondering what it would be like to kiss someone. He’d found some girls that he thought were cute, but not enough to chase after or go as far as kissing. He’d kissed his mom and his grandma, sure, but that wasn’t the same. He didn’t know how it was different, he just knew it was.

“I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone before. But I’d like to try it, I want to see if it’s fun.”

“You could kiss me.” Isaiah said it as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Josh’s eyes widened.

“But we’re two boys! If my dad found out, he’d be really mad.” The other boy shrugged.

“He doesn’t hafta know. Can you keep a secret?” Josh nodded, suddenly eager. His heart was racing in his chest and he almost felt sick, and he wet his lips instinctually. “Okay, close your eyes.”

The young boy closed his eyes and waited what seemed like hours, not knowing what was going on. He heard shuffling beside him, and a sharp intake of breath. Suddenly, there were lips on his. Objectively, the kiss was horrible. It was too hard, and he felt his lips scrape against his teeth, but it was also warm and comfortable, and it made his head go silent. 

“Woah.” Josh said as his friend pulled away. Isaiah giggled and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Can we do that again?”

 

So, for the next three years, they continued to meet in secret. They knew that what they were doing was beyond friendship, and they grew to understand that they had to hide from their families and friends. When gay marriage was made illegal in Ohio, they cried together.

“Someday,” Josh would say, his fingers linked with Isaiah’s in that same field, looking at the same sky, “we’ll get out of here and go where no one knows us.”

It was so cliché, and it was the dream that seemed so achievable in their naïve minds. And, like so many teenage dreams before, it all came crashing down around them. His parents were supposed to be out of the house. He had his boyfriend pinned underneath him, their shirts off and tongues sliding together messily, when the door flew open. Josh’s father, Bill, had caught them.

 

The next few days went by in a blur. Josh’s parents threatened to send him to military school, and Isaiah was sent to a special “camp.” Not the fun camp, but the kind of camp where they tried to turn you straight. Not long after, Isaiah’s family moved while he was still at “camp,” and Josh never saw him again.

His parents really thought it was just a phase. He started dating girls, and some of them he did genuinely like. There always seemed to be something missing, though, and Debby was the closest he ever got to feeling like he was whole. It wasn’t enough. 

Now, he had Tyler, and a beautiful baby girl that he considered his own. He felt complete for the first time since he was 15. But his father was disgusted with him, and suddenly he was 15 years old again, crying on his pillow over a lost love. He vaguely registered a soft knocking at the door, what felt like hours later. Strong, warm arms enveloped him, and a voice spoke close to his ear.

“It’s okay.” The voice said. “I love you, everything is going to be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited to add: I feel that given the events regarding the election, I have a responsibility to let y'all know that we will get through this together. We will not give up the fight. I love all of you, and if you ever need to talk, you can DM me on twitter at any time and I promise I'll get back to you ASAP. Or, here's some resources for you:  
> The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline  
> 1-800-273-TALK (8255)  
> The Trevor Project  
> 1-866-4-U-TREVOR (866-488-7386)  
> The GLBT National Help Center:  
> 1-888-THE-GLNH (888-843-4564)  
> Youth Talkline:  
> 1-800-246-PRIDE (800-246-7743)


	19. I'd Live For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff and smut to tide you over. Effy's first Christmas.
> 
> Also- the stocking thing was me this year. Totally forgot to buy anything for stockings and my mom suggested apples and oranges. I'm Tyler in this scenario.

"Oh crap, I forgot the stocking stuffers. I'm the worst dad ever, crap!"

Josh stifled a laugh as he watched Tyler shaking Effy's empty stocking. He looked for all the world like he had committed the world's greatest crime. It was Christmas Eve, and Effy was already fast asleep. They were in the midst of putting out all the presents from "Santa" and there was no way any stores were open to go buy candy or small toys from.

"Tyler. She's not even a year old yet. She can barely even walk, and she hasn't said a real first word." He walked over and gripped the brunet's shoulders, and looked earnestly into his eyes. "She's not going to remember this. It's okay if she doesn't have candy in her stocking. Dude- she loves fruit! Let's just stick some oranges in there!"

Tyler gave Josh the mental image of an old southern lady clutching her pearls and this time he couldn't hold back his laughter. It's so ridiculous that he had to grab Tyler's face and kiss him. It caused him to cave for just a moment as their lips pressed softly together, before pushing away the next moment and pointing an accusing finger at Josh.

"No! Christmas is not about healthy food. Santa doesn't bring _fruit_ ," he spit the word as if he didn't want it anywhere near his mouth, "he brings candy, Josh!"

The older man simply chuckled again and sat on the couch in front of the tree. The tree that had been very  _carefully_ decorated, so that certain little hands can't reach the ornaments. He smiled at the clay handprint he and Tyler made with Effy. It'd been painted to look like Santa, with the fingers looking like a scraggly beard, the palm as his face, and the heel painted red like his hat. On the back, they carved "Effy's first Christmas!" Josh can't help but hope that he's there for all the rest of them, too. He looked down at the presents under the tree and can't help but think that _maybe_ they went just a  _tad_ overboard. There had to be at least 30 presents under there. Belatedly, he realized that Tyler had been talking to him, as a hand waved in front of his face.

"Hello? Josh, you in there?" Josh shook himself slightly.

"Sorry, what?" Tyler gave a sigh in exasperation.

"I was  _saying_ that... Well, maybe you're right. She doesn't know the difference right now, and, well, it's not like there's anything we can do about it, so..." He trailed off and looked down at the ground sheepishly as Josh just smirked at him in triumph. 

"Yeah, well," he shrugged, "next year, babe. She'll be way more excited for it next year, anyway."

Tyler couldn't help but freeze as his brain processed the words.  _Next year._ Josh will be there next year. And hopefully every year after. Before he even knew what he was doing, he launched himself at the man on the couch, mouth desperately seeking the other's lips. Josh was taken off-guard at first, but he caught on quickly and wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist. He couldn't be sure what caused the brunet to act like this, but he also found that he didn't particularly care why. He bit his lip as he felt Tyler's tongue tracing the outline of his ear, the sensation of that with his slow controlled breaths causing a shiver to go down his spine and straight to his cock. Tyler's lips trailed down to his neck where he nipped and sucked lightly- not enough to leave anything but a red mark that would fade by morning, but enough to make Josh's brain short-circuit.

"B-bed." He barely managed to stutter out. He felt Tyler's lips curl into a smile against his skin as he shook his head minutely.

"Ya know... we've never christened this couch." Tyler's words caused Josh to choke on air, which quickly turned into a guttural moan as he felt a hand groping him through the front of his jeans. He didn't think he could protest even if he wanted to. "Have you been naughty or nice this year?"

Josh couldn't help the giggle that escaped him.

"Oh god, please don't ever say that again, it's too ridicul-" his words halted in a surprised moan as he felt Tyler's hand snake into his pants and grip him loosely.

"You were saying?" The younger man smirked as he cocked an eyebrow. They kissed languidly and moved slowly, enjoying the moment as they shed their clothes.

When finally Tyler lowered onto Josh's throbbing cock, they both groaned simultaneously. Tyler never quite got used to the slight burning sensation that always came at first, but his body was so hardwired to the pleasure that the burn was almost unnoticeable. Being on top was his favorite position- he liked being in control when they had sex.

"Baby, you feel so good inside me," he panted as he began to move. Josh seemed lost to the sensations as he gripped Tyler's waist and buried his face in the man's chest.

The older man knew he wasn't going to last long, as Tyler slammed himself down harder, angling and almost sobbing when Josh's cock pressed against his prostate. Three, four thrusts and Tyler was gone, painting both of their stomachs as his vision blurred from his orgasm. He was vaguely aware of Josh roughly thrusting chasing his own release, and the warm sensation as he was filled. He collapsed against the older man's sweaty chest as they held each other through the after shocks.

 

 

 

They were awoken early the next morning by the shrill screaming of a little girl that was protesting her confinement in her crib as loudly as possible. They sleepily shuffled into her room, met by the delighted babbling of a baby about to be set free to wreak havoc on the world. Josh picked Effy up, only to have her immediately start squirming to be put down. Ever since learning to walk, there was no containing her. Tyler watched the exchange from the doorway with pursed lips and stifled giggles.

"She's going to be the death of us." Josh whined as they set off after her down the hallway. 

Tyler smiled wide as he watched her walk into the living room- it was her first stop nowadays, she was obsessed with the pretty lights on the tree- only to stop and stare in awe at the brightly covered packages under the tree. She wobbled her way over to them, her excited babbling getting more high pitched. Josh wandered into the kitchen to make coffee as Tyler settled on the couch and waited. 

It was all very picturesque. They were all in their PJs, hair mussed, and the two men sipped coffee as they watched Effy try to open presents- they had to help with most of them. There were some expensive gifts, and yet the little girl squealed in delight as she played with the mounds of wrapping paper and boxes, toys forgotten as they lay strewn across the floor. Josh couldn't help but giggle as he watched her, when he was struck with a thought- when he thought of Effy, he thought of her as his. His daughter, his family.  _Their_ daughter,  _their_ family. The thought left him stunned and breathless.

"Tyler."

"Hm?" The brunet turned his head as he looked at Josh over his coffee cup. He made a noise of surprise as lips were pressed against his own. "What was that for?"

"I love you." Tyler chuckled in response.

"I love you, too." He said bemusedly, but Josh was shaking his head.

"No, you don't understand, I," Josh smiled wide and bit his bottom lip as he looked at Tyler as though he'd never seen anything like him before. "I love us. I love our little family."

He looked at the beautiful little girl on the floor as she threw wrapping paper everywhere and tried crawling into too-small boxes. Her soft and curly brown hair, her bright blue eyes. He looked back up and met Tyler's eyes, eyes that reflected such fondness.

"Will you marry me?"


	20. I Sing of a Greater Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Josh started staying at his own house again (which had been being rented out indefinitely- he had considered selling it at one point, but he kept it just in case). It was just across town but Tyler felt that Josh may as well be back in LA for how far away they felt- emotionally as much as physically.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this took so long, guys. Life has been pretty tumultuous and part of me lost major motivation for this fic. I hope this was worth the wait!
> 
> Also, you should go read my X-Files Fic. I'm pretty proud of it, it might be my favorite thing I've ever written. 
> 
> Another thing, I love Michael more than any other member of the band (and yeah, he's part of the band, idgaf what anyone else thinks), and I miss him lots. This chapter should be called "Michael is the best friend anyone could ever have and he is a literal angel and I will fight anyone who says differently."

_"Will you marry me?"_

 

 

The question kept going around Tyler's head, and he still couldn't give Josh an answer. It had been weeks and Josh had been so understanding, even though Tyler knew Josh was feeling the sting of rejection. Josh put on a smile, and the brunet knew it was only for his benefit, because Josh was hurting inside. He wanted so much to quell that pain, but he didn't know how.

It would be easy, so easy to say yes. He couldn't imagine being with anyone but Josh ever again. Even when he married Jenna, he secretly knew that his love for Josh would outlast anyone else. 

So why couldn't he just say it? Doubt, his arch nemesis, was there to answer that question for him. The thing was, even though his family had been accepting of their relationship before, he wasn't so sure they'd be accepting of marriage. They'd always been of the "give them rights but don't call it marriage because that's sacred" state of mind. He was afraid of what they were going to say, that they wouldn't support him anymore, and he was afraid of losing his family. 

Deciding Tyler needed space, Josh started staying at his own house again (which had been being rented out indefinitely- he had considered selling it at one point, but he kept it just in case). It was just across town but Tyler felt that Josh may as well be back in LA for how far away they felt- emotionally as much as physically. Tyler felt like he was losing Josh, and he felt that he was somehow having to choose between his family and the love of his life. He also knew that he couldn't ask Josh to make this sacrifice for him- Josh, who had already been so patient and amazing. 

There was another part of him, too, that feared it was too soon. Jenna hadn't even been gone a year, and even though he knew she would want him to be happy- she wanted him to be with Josh even when she was about to give birth- Tyler knew how it would look to get engaged so soon. 

Then, there was the band. With everything going on- Jenna's death, raising Effy, trying to become somewhat mentally stable- they hadn't been making music. There weren't any new songs in the works, other than some random lines that popped into Tyler's head that he scribbled on the notepad on his nightstand in the middle of the night. Nothing cohesive, though. Some pretty dark, on the nights when the demons couldn't be kept at bay. With Josh gone, those nights were becoming increasingly frequent. But deep down, he had this ache to play music again, especially with his best friend, the love of his life. With getting engaged, he knew the fans would inevitably figure it out. As it was, many of them suspected that he and Josh had been in a secret relationship for years. 

Tyler felt more lost than he had in a long time. His mom was coming over more and more frequently to help take care of Effy, a task that was becoming harder and harder as Tyler's desire to even leave his bed decreased by the day. His mental state was rapidly deteriorating, and most days he was forgetting to take his meds unless his mom reminded him. This was the worst of everything, because on top of all of his bad traits, he felt "bad father" should be emblazoned on his forehead for all to see what a failure he was. 

On one of the increasingly less frequent days where Tyler didn't simply wish to disappear into his mattress and cease to exist, he was outside playing with his daughter when he got the call. She was steadier than ever on her feet, and even more fearless. She was only 11 months old and yet she was determinedly climbing steps up to a slide, apparently set on giving her father a heart attack as she whined when he tried to help her. They had a small play structure put in complete with a swing, stairs, and a slide. It was Josh's idea, something Tyler tried very hard not to think about. The call was from Michael, his lifelong friend and the person that used to be head of his security team. He recalled with a twinge of guilt that it had been a long time- way too long- since he'd talked to Michael. 

"Hello?" Tyler answered.

"Hey, man, how's it going?" Michael's deep baritone voice was comforting in a way.

"Um, it's going alright. I'm currently watching my daughter climb these stairs over and over, and trying not to have a brain aneurysm over the anxiety it's giving me."

Michael chuckled in response, "she's doing that already, huh? Man, her teen years are going to be the death of you."

"Yeah," Tyler replied absent-mindedly as he watched Effy push herself down the slide. "How are you?"

"I'm okay, dude. I miss you, though. Was wondering if maybe you want to grab some lunch together or something?"

"Yeah, man," Tyler replied, feeling inexplicably lighter at seeing his oldest friend again, "that would be great. Name the time and place, we'll be there."

 

 

A few days later, Tyler found himself at a local diner, nervously bouncing Effy on his hip. This diner reminded him so much of the one he and Josh had gone to on their first date. Different people, different decor, but the smell and the atmosphere were the same. He could hear the women cooing over his daughter, and he couldn't help but smile. She was darn adorable, even if she was drooling all over her fist. She hated all the teething toys he had bought her, seeming to prefer chewing on her hand, though he couldn't understand how that could be comfortable. She already had four teeth, and now it seemed like her molars were coming in early. Most days she seemed to be taking it in stride, happily drooling all over her hands and clothes, while other days she screamed all day like someone was burning her from the inside out. Today, thankfully, was a good day.

A waitress led him to a booth where they found Michael already sitting, sipping on a soda and looking over a menu. He looked up at their approach, a smile gracing his features as soon as he saw them. He stood up immediately and grasped Tyler in a tight hug, being careful not to jostle Effy too much. The embrace made something inside Tyler immediately calm, and he realized just how much he missed his friend. 

"So, man," Michael said as they were sitting down, "where have you been? It's been way too long."

Tyler shifted uncomfortably and gestured to Effy sitting in her high chair vaguely, avoiding eye contact. "You know, just. I dunno, being a dad and stuff. Nothing too exciting." He winced and added, "sorry I haven't been in touch. Just, you know. Haven't been up to it."

Michael waved a hand at him as if to say,  _no big deal, man._ "Don't worry about it. I just missed hanging out, is all."

They exchanged smiles, and both went back to their menus. Lunch was great, and just what Tyler needed. After a while, he felt himself settling completely, the vague uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach dissipating. They joked, and talked about the mundane things in their lives. It was too good to last, though.

"So, what's going on with Josh?" 

Tyler licked his lips and bit his bottom lip nervously. He knew it was coming, but he was still unprepared to answer this question.

"What... what do you mean?" He asked weakly.

"Dude," Michael leveled him with a knowing stare, "you can be honest with me. I toured with you guys from the beginning. We've been friends with each other our whole lives. I'm pretty sure I knew you were in love with the dude before you did. I never did understand why you started dating Jenna, if I'm being totally honest. And..." He sighed, and put his hands flat on the table top. "Your mom talked to me. Says you haven't been doing too well, and says she hasn't seen Josh in weeks. So, come on man, what happened?"

The singer huffed out a shaky laugh. Of course Michael knew everything. Most people thought Mark was the observant one, but Michael was the one who stood silently in the back and watched everything. He picked up on more than anyone else, and he never judged. And something about him just made you want to be open and honest with him, because he'll never think badly of you, and he would safeguard your secrets with his entire being. 

And so, Tyler let go. It felt like a dam buckling and finally giving way to the rushing waters beyond, and he told Michael everything. Of course, Michael, being the amazing human being that he was, listened. He listened without interrupting, and gave Tyler his full attention. Effy squawked from her high chair and Michael took it upon himself to give Tyler this one small break, and took her into his lap, bouncing her lightly and playing with her dark brown curls. Tyler talked until his voice cracked, and he felt the tears running down his neck before he even realized he was crying. 

"And now," Tyler said as he reached the conclusion of his story what seemed like hours later, "I don't know what to do. I know he feels like I rejected him, but I don't know how to make it right. I can't choose between him and my family, I just can't. And Effy, I know she can feel that he's gone, too, cause he's been there every day since she was born, and now he's not. And I want him to be there, to help raise her, but I know I can't make him stay if I can't even commit to him fully."

Michael nodded thoughtfully, then reached over and smacked Tyler on the side of the head.

"Ow! Dude, what the heck?" Tyler said indignantly as he rubbed his head.

"Sorry, but I had to." Michael shook his head disbelievingly. "One, Josh is loyal almost to a fault. You haven't lost him forever. Two, your family loves you, and they accept you for who you are. I know it's hard, but if they don't, do you really want those people around to influence your daughter? Three, look me in the eyes and tell me you aren't dying to marry that man. Four, you can't take Effy's dad away from her. No, not you. Her other dad. Josh is her dad just as much as you are."

And that... well, Tyler hadn't really thought of it that way. He peered at his adorable daughter and realized, hey, he's right. Josh has helped raise her from day one. Tyler looked up at Michael with a look of surprise.

"Oh my god. You're right. I'm  _such_ an idiot."

Michael winked and smiled as he said, "it's okay, bud. I know you are. That's why I'm here to help you."

 

 

It had been a month, and Josh wasn't sure what to do with himself. When he left, he was so sure that it would only take a few days for everything to go back to normal. But every day, he heard nothing from Tyler, and every day, his resolve strengthened. He had put it all out there, his whole self laid bare for Tyler, and been rejected. He couldn't break, he had to cling to what little dignity he had left. Even though he missed Tyler and Effy with every fiber of his being. Effy, whom he had helped raise from the day she was born. Effy, who felt every bit his own daughter, excepting the fact that they weren't biologically related. 

And Josh, Josh wasn't doing much better than Tyler was. He wasn't showering as much as he should, he was living off of delivery pizza, and most nights he couldn't sleep without clutching his pillow for comfort, easing the growing feeling of loneliness pitted in his chest. His beard was back, but it wasn't groomed. His hair color was almost completely faded, and his curls looked like a rat's nest on his head.

Late one evening, he found himself drinking beer and eating crappy Chinese takeout. He rarely ever drank, he wasn't really fond of feeling out of control, but tonight, that's what he craved. He wanted to feel just a little bit numb for a while. Which is why he didn't notice at first that there was music playing outside, but as it caught his ear, he muted his TV, confused as to who would be playing music outside at midnight. It was soft, and as he made his way over to the door to tell the person off, he found that he recognized not only the song, but the person who was singing. The person was singing and playing an instrument live, not out of a boombox or whatever like in that one 80s movie. 

 

_Like a river flows_

_Surely to the sea_

_Darling so it goes_

_Some things are meant to be_

 

Tyler stood playing in the street in front of Josh's house, his eyes closed. They flew open when he heard the door creak on its hinges, but he didn't stop singing. His voice wavered with emotion, but he pushed it to be louder as he held Josh's gaze. The older man stepped out as if in a trance, and walked down the front steps slowly.

 

_Take my hand_

_Take my whole life, too_

_Cause I can't help_

_Falling in love with you_

 

Josh stopped a foot away from the brunet, stunned and wide eyed, and watched as Tyler tucked his ukelele under one arm, then produced a small black box from his back pocket. He stepped forward, popping the box open.

"It's yours if you still want it." Tyler promised, and added, "and everything that comes with it. I'm ready, and I'm sorry I was such an idiot. I just-"

Josh's lips pressed against his as he made a startled noise, but he slowly relaxed into it. Josh pulled away and held Tyler's face in his hands, his eyes searching.

 

"What took you so long?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last regular chapter, the next will be the epilogue!
> 
> This was the cheesiest ending to ever cheese, but I'm not even the least bit sorry.


	21. Made It This Far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Everything," Tyler breathed, "everything that's happened to lead us here, I wouldn't change it. We've been through so much together, and we're still here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to say that I can't thank any of my readers enough for the endless support. I know that this fic took foreeeeever to update at times, and I just want to thank you all for being so patient with me.
> 
> Second of all, when I started writing this story, I had just come off reading a bunch of other fics in which the main characters were mentally ill, and that illness drove them to either suicide or pushing away the person they loved to the point where the relationship crumbles. I always had a happy ending in mind for this fic. I knew it was going to end up here. My main aim was to write something where a main character struggles with a mental illness, but they still get their happy ending. Because having a mental illness means some days you'll hate everything, or not feel anything at all, or want to die, but that doesn't mean you don't deserve to have love. So if you're out there and you struggle with mental illness, no matter it's depression, anxiety, bipolar, borderline personality disorder, etc., know that you are worthy of love. Your illness doesn't define you, and you not only deserve love, but you WILL find it. I know it.

**Epilogue**

 

"The groom is missing!"

"What? Wait, which one?"

Tyler kept his head down as he moved toward the parking lot to his car. 

"Josh! We can't seem to find him. I don't think he ever made it here. I hope he hasn't changed his mind..."

The brunet tried his best to block out the loud and panicked conversations drifting toward him across the lawn. He made sure his mom had Effy before he took off in search of his fiancé. Her first birthday had came and went, a small familial affair. Tyler remembered her blue eyes sparkling with electricity when the smash cake was placed in front of her. She attacked it with vigor, but her ambition was bigger than her stomach and she only got halfway through it before she couldn't eat anymore. She'd been covered practically head to toe in frosting, though, and went straight in the sink for a makeshift bath. The sugar rush lasted a good hour, where she played with her toys and ran around the house screaming in joy. When she crashed, she was on her knees leaning up against the couch, faceplanting directly into a cushion. 

Tyler got into his car and searched everywhere he could think of that Josh would be.

 

 

He stood in the middle of the field as the cool early autumn wind ruffled his hair. The last vestiges of summer clung to the air, making the day warm in a pleasant, not-too-hot way. He looked out to the edges of the field where the trees framed the clearing and the sun was edging toward the treetops. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath through his nose, and exhaled quickly. Careful not to ruffle his closely-tailored tux, he sat down on the dry grass, leaned back, and tilted his head up toward the sky. He closed his eyes and let the calm wash over him. He wasn't in the least surprised when he heard hurried footsteps behind him.

"Hey, call off the search party, I found him." Tyler pocketed his phone and stood next to Josh. He contemplated the likelihood of grass stains before sitting gingerly, opting to wait in silence for the other man to speak.

They sat for at least a half hour, just listening to the sound of the wind blowing the grass and the trees, the birds calling to each other in the distance, and their own breathing. Finally, Josh spoke.

"I had my first kiss in this field." He opened his eyes and looked to the left to see Tyler watching him, contemplating him. "We used to come here all the time and play. I spent a lot of my childhood here."

Again, Tyler didn't speak.

"It's always seemed so peaceful here." Josh sighed. "And there's something comforting about the fact that, despite everything that's happened, despite an entire lifetime of things happening, this field is still here. And it still looks exactly the same. In a way, it feels like everything that happens is trivial, because the earth goes on without us. But at the same time, there's this feeling that I'll always have this."

He reached his hand out, where it hung in midair for a moment as Tyler looked at it consideringly before wrapping his own around it. Tyler pulled Josh to him and kissed his forehead softly. 

"Everything," Tyler breathed, "everything that's happened to lead us here, I wouldn't change it. We've been through so much together, and we're still here."

Josh hummed his assent and leaned his head against Tyler's shoulder. 

"I love you," he murmured with his eyes closed, "and I love our little family. I would do it all over again- the mental hospital, the car crash and coma, all of it- if it meant I would still end up here."

Tyler turned his head and pressed his lips to Josh's in a soft and brief kiss.

"We have a wedding to get to. C'mon."

 

 

In the end, Tyler needn't have worried. His whole family showed up to support them, even if they didn't agree with it. They all just wanted him to be happy. They were even in Tyler's church. Something that Tyler wasn't sure would happen, as he didn't know where the church stood on the whole  _gay_ thing. His pastor had chuckled and shook his head fondly, and told them that he would be honored to host their wedding. Josh wasn't quite so lucky. He tried not to let the disappointment show, but Tyler knew he was sad that his dad wasn't there. 

Effy was the cutest flower girl that anyone had ever seen, in her dark orange dress with the wicker basket clutched in her chubby fist. About halfway down the aisle, she strayed and tried to say hi to some other kids in attendance, which caused Tyler to have to try to get her attention from up at the alter. Eventually his mom had to run and grab her, which made everyone laugh. 

When they exchanged vows, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. In so many ways, this was the end of one chapter, and the beginning of another.

 

 

"Oh my god, I thought we'd never be alone again."

Josh pushed Tyler up against the wall before the door to their hotel was even fully closed. They'd barely got any time to themselves as soon as the ceremony was over, what with family members constantly whisking one or the other away during the reception. Josh pushed Tyler's tux jacket off roughly, and started to work on his button down under shirt, causing Tyler to chuckle in a low pitch.

"Slow down there, turbo, we have all night."

"Dude," Josh shook his head and let out an exasperated sigh, "I've been trying to keep my hands to myself  _all night._ You have  _no idea_ how delicious you look in a tux." The last part was ground out, as if it pained the man to say it out loud.

The singer responded by ducking his head and kissing his  _husband_ with a slow, steady press of his lips. His hands settled on Josh's hips and pulled them until they were flush against his own, causing a small whimper to escape from the older man.

"I think I have some sort of idea." He put his hands on Josh's shoulders and steered him toward the hotel bed until his knees buckled from hitting the mattress, forcing him to sit. Tyler pushed the other man's suit jacket off slowly, sliding his hands over shoulders, down biceps, skittering his fingers over the fabric of the shirt underneath. His fingers played with Josh's bowtie for a few moments before finally unknotting, grabbing both ends to pull Josh forward into a searing kiss that left them both breathless.

Tyler stepped back and left Josh looking slightly dishevelled and leaning back on his hands through hooded eyes and lust blown pupils. The brunet casually slipped his fingers over the buttons on his shirt, undoing them with ease, but his eyes were dark with lust and they never left Josh's face. He undid the last button and crawled over his husband on the bed, pushing him back until he lay flat on the bed, his shirt open and hanging off his shoulders. With a growl of frustration, Josh surged up and met Tyler in a ferocious kiss as he pushed the shirt off of his shoulders. He caught Tyler off-guard and used the leverage to flip them around, so Tyler was on his back with Josh pushing onto him from above.

"Mmm, damn, I've never seen this side of you before," Tyler purred, biting his lip, his eyes sparkling with excitement, "so demanding. I like it."

The next thing either of them knew, there was a flurry of clothes being strewn on either side of the bed as they both rushed to get naked. There might have been some ripping of fabric, though whose clothes they couldn't be sure, nor did either of them care. When they were both naked, Josh pushed down, his erection against Tyler's, eliciting a high pitched whimper from the brunet. Spurred on, he dove in and latched on to Tyler's neck, red marks dotting his dark collar bone. He thrusted a few more times, but it wasn't enough, not for either man.

The cap of the small pocket sized lube snicked open, and Josh poured a generous amount on his hand. Probably a little too much in his excitement, what with it dripping down his forearm, but he didn't care. He shifted to the side and reached his hand down, the tip of his pointer finger circling the sensitive rim of Tyler's hole. He looked up at his lover's face to see his skin was flushed and sweaty, his teeth clamped on his bottom lip in anticipation, his brown eyes almost completely eclipsed by his pupils. Josh watched his face as he slowly, torturously slid his finger in. He pushed in to the first knuckle and stopped. He knew Tyler could take his whole finger, but he rarely ever found himself in this situation, in control with Tyler so open and vulnerable underneath him. He wanted to savor it. 

Tyler waited patiently for a whole two seconds until he couldn't take it anymore, leveraging his heels against the bed and pushing himself down on the finger. Josh held still and watched as his finger was enveloped quickly, as Tyler fucked himself on it. He wanted to draw this out, but he couldn't deny that his patience was wearing thin as the lust started to overpower him, and his erection throbbed painfully. He took over and drilled his finger in quickly, making Tyler still his hips and let out a sudden and surprised moan. A second finger pressed in beside the first, and Josh spread his fingers apart only to bring them back together to press against the spot he found immediately. Tyler couldn't control the load strangled moan that escaped him and his back arched up off the bed as Josh pushed his fingers in and out, hitting the spot every time.

"Josh-" Tyler choked out, "oh god, right there, yes- Josh, please, I need you-  _fuck, yes_ \- please I'm ready, please-"

"Are you sure? You don't want another one first?" Josh's eyebrows knit together in a mixture of concern and concentration.

" _Yes."_

Not needing to be told twice, Josh withdrew his fingers and quickly lubed up his cock. He scooted up the bed until he was level with Tyler, one hand on the bed above the singer's shoulders, the other guiding the tip of his cock into Tyler's ass. He kept his eyes trained on his husband's face and watched his mouth go slack as he pushed in further, and he couldn't resist leaning down to capture that mouth in a kiss as he brought the other hand up to the other side of Tyler and settled above him as he bottomed out. He held himself still as the pleasure and the tight heat enveloped him, his breathing ragged.

"Josh, please,  _move_."

They made love languidly, as Josh thrust slowly, alternating lazy kisses to Tyler's mouth and neck as the brunet devolved into a whimpering, moaning mess beneath him. He shifted his hip slightly to the side as he thrust in sharply, causing his cock to hit Tyler's prostate dead on. 

" _Fuck,_ shit,  _Josh_ , yes, right there, fuck, harder, harder, please-" Tyler babbled as Josh picked up the pace and started fucking into him ruthlessly, hitting his prostate every time. Shocks of white hot pleasure surged through him, and he arched up off the bed.

Josh wrapped an arm around Tyler's middle and sat up on his heels, taking Tyler with him. The new position had Tyler in his lap, his cock going deeper than ever as the man on top of him nearly sobbed in pleasure. He grabbed Tyler's hips in a bruising grip as he thrust upward with a renewed vigor.

"Oh shit, Josh, I'm gonna, fuck, I'm right there, I'm gonna-" His vision blanked out at the edges as his cock spurted white ropes of cum between them, the vibrations wracking through him causing him to pulse around Josh's erection buried deep inside of him. Josh wasn't far behind and he thrust once, twice, and spent himself inside Tyler.

They sat there for a few moments, with Tyler slumped against Josh and both of them panting heavily. Summoning up his last bit of strength, Josh turned them so they could fall sideways onto the bed. He closed his eyes.

"Dude," Josh echoed his earlier sentiment in between heaving breaths, "we get to do that for the rest of our lives."

He opened his eyes again to see Tyler curled up and like he was wondering why he married this idiot, but the fond smile told him that Tyler didn't really mind. Yeah, they could do this. Forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never include what their last name is because I don't know which one would sound better.  
> Josh Joseph or Tyler Dun?
> 
> Edit: as soon as I posted this I started to get very Emotional™  
> This fic was my very first and I can't believe it's done. I'm a little teary-eyed.


	22. Chapter 22

I'm making this a two part series! I just wanted to let you guys know that my first chapter of the new work is in production. For updates, thoughts, ideas, and endless tøp reblogs, follow me on tumblr, mynameisblurrycake.

 

I'm so excited to keep this story going!

 

Edit: the first chapter of part two is now up!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow my tumblr [mynameisblurrycake](https://mynameisblurrycake.tumblr.com) for fic ideas, writing progress, etc.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow my tumblr [mynameisblurrycake](https://mynameisblurrycake.tumblr.com) for fic ideas, writing progress, etc.


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